How to receive free protection in England

In some cultures, in a joke or witticism aggression is activated, carefully disguised so we don't feel guilty about it

On an average, I receive around 70 emails a day. These missiles can be roughly divided into various categories. The Facebook references where people announce with a note of undisguised glee that they have changed their profile picture, possibly for the eighteenth time; or that they lost an earring while visiting the Cu Chi tunnels 70 miles west of Saigon, possibly in the hope that I may be able to locate it for them. The inviting communiques sent by a clutch of international estate agents for properties on sale in Dubai, each costing around 14 million dirhams, possibly in the belief that a rich Afrikaner aunt in Bloemfontein has left everything to me in her will. The enticing messages from exiled African potentates who need me to spring millions of dollars stashed away in Swiss banks. The medical bulletins which tell me that there is now an excellent cure for ringworm and that people who are afflicted with the malady won’t have to scratch any more. And there are the regular dispatches that always bring a smile to my lips, which endorse my belief that even in moments of adversity we Pakistanis have managed to retain our sense of humour — even if it at times veers a little towards the bizarre.



In some cultures, in a joke or a witticism, aggression is activated, carefully disguised so that we do not feel guilty about it. This frees us from repression, and this energy, which is no longer needed for repression is turned to laughter, as Freud has described it. The Jewish joke has a special place among witticisms. Like every joke, it is a guilt-free expression of aggression, but this aggression is directed against the Jewish person himself. It is a combination of a sadistic attack with masochistic indulgence. Like the story about the time Mrs Goldberg invited Mrs Cohen for coffee. “Have another cookie/Thanks I have had three/Actually you’ve had five but who’s counting?”. If, as the dictionary defines it, humour as “the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and to provide amusement”, then the following droll story that was sent to me by my niece in Switzerland, which describes how an Englishman in northern England received free protection, certainly qualifies.

A note from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham reads: “I am fed up with being burgled every other day. I report the matter to the police but they won’t do anything. What am I supposed to do?”

“Tear out your alarm system and de-register from your local Neighbourhood Watch” was the reply. “Plant a large Pakistani flag in each corner of your front garden along with a large black IS flag. Keep a long beard and wear a black turban on your head!”

A week later, the citizen in Sheffield replied. “Thanks for your advice mate. Now the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house for free 24 hours a day, seven days a week. My children are followed to school and my wife has three free armed escorts when she goes shopping. I’m followed to and from work on a daily basis. So no one bothers me at all. I’ve never felt safer. No burglar will ever dare come even a mile near my home! My neighbours are also happy for the added security for their homes and families. There is only one problem. Street parking is difficult with four or five unmarked cars with people in them parked around my house!”

Published in The Express Tribune, November 2^nd, 2014.

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