Distorted self-images

There is a famous Punjabi saying that teray nallon watta jam laindi tay oo changa si. It means, “It would’ve been better if I’d given birth to a rock instead of you”.

To say something like this in anger to a child is awful. Could a mother choose crueller words to shame her child?

The problem is that parents often say and do things that cause their children shame without even realising it. Sometimes we just do it out of affection like calling our children ‘laddo’ if the child is chubby or ‘kachhua’ if the child is slower than other kids in the playground. But as psychologists have proven time and again, shame leads to lifelong issues like low self-esteem, inferiority complex, and in some cases, severe psychological disorders.

Once our self-image is distorted, we develop a dislike for ourselves which leads to self-punishment. One form of this is obsessive eating — a commonly used term but psychologists prefer to use the term ‘compulsive eating’. Obsessions exist at the level of thinking in the conscious mind. When they become a part of our actions they turn into compulsions.

Obsessive thoughts are our uncontrollable thoughts. These thoughts, when turned into actions, become compulsive actions; hence the term ‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorder’ (OCD). One example of OCD is when we equate food with love and vice versa. The result of this disorder is that we crave food when the love we desire is unavailable. So, it’s not hunger pangs calling, it is actually our obsessive thoughts kicking in. When we cater to such thoughts and turn them into actions weight issues kick in, people become obese or indulge in binge eating after days of starving and our already distorted self-images become even more complex.

You are probably wondering why I am giving you a lesson on basic psychological terms. In my early teens, there were a few girls in my extended family that suffered from obesity. My mother and aunts would often discuss these girls and how they would ruin their chances at landing a perfect husband and, by extension, a perfect life. I overheard so many of these conversations that I slowly became obsessed with remaining thin. I was a skinny tomboy growing up. Even so, I devised a plan with a slightly older cousin to first eat all we wanted and then getting rid of it by sticking our fingers down our throats and vomiting it all out.

This behaviour started off as a once in a while activity. But ultimately, it became a routine after every meal and continued for almost three years. Then, while I was a college student, I came across some literature dealing with bulimia and anorexia nervosa. After discovering the negative long-term consequences of my actions such as graying skin, loss of kidney and liver function, rotting teeth and premature aging, I forced myself to break out of this obsessive addiction.

I have to admit that breaking this pattern was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Even today, when I overeat or eat the wrong things I am tempted to purge and have to force myself to stop. After I broke this habit, I started gaining weight and a whole new set of issues emerged (but those are a discussion for another time).

Today, I make sure that I do not let family put my son down or make fun of him. I know I can’t protect him from the entire world but I can watch my own actions. I know I am a little oversensitive about it but so what? The less negativity in our lives, the better off we all are; especially our children.

As a mother, one of the most frightening things to consider is the huge impact my words have on my child. A mother’s relationship with her child is most important and is the first learning ground for that child’s future behaviour. And yet, we so easily forget that a mother’s lap is actually the child’s first school.

Many of us know that negative reinforcement should be avoided at all costs. The problem is we often don’t even realise what we are doing, even when we do it. The first signs of obsessive behaviour have to be recognised and tackled before they turn into permanent learned behaviour. Otherwise, learning to love oneself becomes a difficult uphill battle.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 16^th, 2013.

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