A question of looks

On the court she is dynamite. She can hit the ball really well, but frankly who cares? When we refer to her as being the hottest desi babe on the tennis circuit, we are not talking about her serves. When this Hyderabad girl is playing the courts are jammed with young fans — and some are even watching the tennis.

Some of the fans may not even know who is on the other side of the net. They really do not care if Sania Mirza is playing Serena Williams, Venus Williams or for that matter Robin Williams. These fans may not be tennis experts, but when Sania is down 40-love, they understand the ‘love’.

If you think they're dumb, consider this: they're smart enough to remember Sania’s numbers. And if that doesn't impress you, here's more proof of their intelligence: they know how to spell ‘Hyderabad’. This desi girl has never won a major tournament, and perhaps never will, but few of her fans care. After all, she looks good losing. And looking good is often more lucrative than playing well, as discovered by her agent — who happens to be her father.

Got a car you'd like to advertise? Sania will look good driving it. Got cereal you'd like to promote? Sania will look good eating it. Got a book you'd like to sell? Sania will look good pretending to read it. Poor Sania. She can't help it that she's so hot. She was born that way. So if you want to blame anyone, blame her parents. The same can't be said about, say, jobs on television. Paula Zahn, a CNN anchor, was offended that a promotional ad called her "just a little sexy". But the truth is if she weren't “just a little sexy” she might soon find herself “just a little unemployed”. It isn't happenstance that CBS anchors Katie Couric and Deborah Norville as well as other television personalities are attractive. Even male anchors like Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw are rather handsome — just like I have been told about myself.

If television seems discriminatory, take a look at the music industry. Record companies want to market not just good voices but also good-looking faces. Without her looks, Britney Spears' career would have quickly fizzled out. So what do you do if you have a great voice but not a great face? Simple. You try the karaoke bar. Or join the church choir. My friend Reverend Majeed is on the lookout for new voices at the Naulakha church. Auditions are scheduled for Sunday after prayers.

Our obsession with looks even affects politics. If you want to run for president, you'd better not look like William Howard Taft. He was US president from 1909 to 1913, but that was before the invention of television and the creation of Slim Fast.

If it were up to Shoaib and Sania, the border between India and Pakistan would be eliminated. Of course, if that happened, the country would have to look for a new enemy, so some people in the government could keep their jobs. Gotta keep the economy going. It's a funny thing about borders — how they divide people, how they create enmity and envy, how they give travellers the occasional thrill of being strip-searched. One just hopes there is never a border between Sania and Shoaib and they can live happily ever after.