Parenting: The unreasonable husband

We parent differently and I’m sure he is wrong.

My husband is a kind, honest, hardworking, spiritual man and every day he works to become a better human being. But sometimes, the way he parents my (ahem, our) children makes me want to break something.

(Before we continue, I will acknowledge that, given the motivation, Hums could make a long list of unacceptable things I say and do every day, but it appears that he has better things to do with his time.)

Here is the current issue: My husband is unreasonable, and I am not.

I completely agree with him that as two intelligent individuals dedicated to raising these kids of ours, it is only right and respectful that each does not interfere in the other’s parenting, even though what he’s doing is wrong, whereas my way is almost always right. Do note that I changed that last sentence from “always always” to “almost always.” I recognise that I’m not perfect.

But, since I spend every waking minute of their lives (and too many of their sleeping ones) with the kids, it should be clear that the parenting buck would automatically stop at my desk. This is why, sometimes, despite my signing on to the non-interference theory, I have to take charge. For instance, just a few days ago, we were out doing some errands and I caught Hums carrying Beta around ... when our son, the four-year-old, is perfectly capable of walking by himself! So I say to my husband gently, “Put him down! Why do you always do that?! Sheeeeesh!”

We bickered half-heartedly about it for a few minutes and then decided to do something less boring. Do you ever have one of those fights with your spouse where you know you aren’t actually mad but you just sort of argue in a ritualised way in order to pass the time or get some excess energy out or because you’re kind of hungry? Someone should categorise them all — the little flash in the pan, the boredom battle, the blood sugar tussle, the competitive ‘who’s tired-er?’. Maybe you have to be married a certain period of time to understand the nuances of this better. Please don’t judge me.

Anyways, the thing is, I can leave Hums alone when it comes to him mishandling the little stuff, but for the big issues, like, you know, walking, I have no choice, as a responsible mom, but to step in. If I don’t, our son will sit on the floor of his university and shout for his friends: “Guys!! Carry me to claaaaass!” He will never have a healthy adult relationship like his dad wherein he can walk around a mall fuming at his wife for disagreeing with his parenting style. Because of my intervention, someday he will stride confidently about, walking hither and yon, never faltering in his step because he knows — he knows in his very soul — that he can walk and walk and can walk till such time as he chooses to stop walking. That’s the kind of self-assurance my husband is undermining, folks.

However, it seems of late, Hums is taking issue with my comments regarding his parenting and since I am a generally reasonable wife, I’m trying to hold my peace while he is messing up our kids’ lives. But then! I notice that he is also barging into a situation where he best should stay silent. For instance, the other day, I was lovingly reprimanding Beta and Beti for being monsters. This was simply an extension of a long-running discussion between the kids and I about maintaining a calm and quiet demeanour when the situation warrants it. It was not because I hadn’t had breakfast yet and Beta was yelling “MUMMAMUMMAMUMMA!” while running circles around me and Beti was howling and yanking at different articles of my clothing. I was not “shrieking” as Hums might suggest to you. I was simply explaining that the morning, or even life itself, would be better if the children would go mute and cease any and all movement. Telling me to “calm down” was uncalled-for. Patting me on the back was hugely patronising, and suggesting that I “perhaps, eat something” was really too much. And let’s be honest here, the kids are hardly going to be damaged by a little yelling. What will be scarring though is seeing their mother’s authority undermined.

I tell you, it’s not easy being a hypocrite. But someone’s got to do it.

Hiba Masood is a stay-at-home mother to four-year-old Beta and one-year-old Beti. Writing about parenting affords her time away from actually doing it.

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Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 11^th, 2012.

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