Who's hogging your newsfeed

Published: September 8, 2012
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Growing up, you’ll always have that one slightly saucy friend who wanted to explore her sexuality but couldn’t because she was restricted by her parents, society and judgmental little school girls.  DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL

Growing up, you’ll always have that one slightly saucy friend who wanted to explore her sexuality but couldn’t because she was restricted by her parents, society and judgmental little school girls. DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL

Here are some people who can ruin your Facebook experience (or have you coming
back for more!). DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL Just by being inactive, he’s trying to be better than all of us under-evolved monkeys updating our statuses with rubbish.  DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL While the cricket jiyalas don’t bother you unless there is some huge match, the football sportscasters will update you with every non-consequential transfer goal and match all year long.  DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL I can guarantee that even if you upload a picture of poop, someone on your Facebook friends list will instantly hit the like button in three seconds. DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL These guys have some sort of talent — it maybe writing or doodling stick figures or making cupcakes out of garbage. DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL This girl is perpetually heartbroken and everyone from her chacha on Facebook to her mama on Twitter must know all about it. DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL This guy has all the time in the world to dig up unfunny memes with some weird pictures created by some really farigh people. DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL When the campaigner updates his status with, “3 Shias dead, AND THE WORLD SLEEPS” (all upper case, mind you), and it’s only been three minutes since the news was announced, it annoys me to no end. DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL Growing up, you’ll always have that one slightly saucy friend who wanted to explore her sexuality but couldn’t because she was restricted by her parents, society and judgmental little school girls.  DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL This person goes out of his house a lot, so he needs to show-off that he has a life and friends. DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL The shoda travels quite a bit. And of course, being the shoda, he loves to tell people on Facebook about it.  DESIGN : AMNA IQBAL
KARACHI: 

How many times do you sign into Facebook to see ‘what’s happening’ every day? Regardless of the fact that I hate Facebook’s spiffy, new, improved and shiny look, I still find myself scrolling through my News Feed at the speed of lightening.

But during my few hours of relieving stress and bringing some sanity in my life, all I get to read on my News Feed are ridiculous status updates, pictures and comments, which literally make me want to smash my computer.

Here are some of those annoying people on Facebook hogging my News Feed.

1.The shoda

The shoda travels quite a bit. And of course, being the shoda, he loves to tell people on Facebook about it. Now if he simply updated his status with, “Guys, in Berlin at the moment. Lovely weather”, I’d be okay with it. But when he says oh-so-casually, “With Berlin’s beauty behind me, I’m sitting here, sipping affogato in a quaint cafe and looking out the window at a beautiful Paris sunset” — it gets to me. Especially because the closest thing to a sunset near me  is that ugly orange folder filled with pages and pages to edit. 

2.The check-inner

This person goes out of his house a lot, so he needs to show-off that he has a life and friends. This usually means I’ll know exactly when, where, and who he goes out with for coffee or dinner. And it doesn’t just stop there. This guy checks himself in at places he shops at, when he goes to work (which, by the way, isn’t very often), where he gets his hair cut and where he gets his shoes fixed. And he’ll tag anyone who was with him during the process — so employees, mochis and hairstylists should beware.

And of course, the friends who aren’t tagged in his check-ins, somehow always complain, “Arey mian, humain bhool gaye?”

3.The Veena

Growing up, you’ll always have that one slightly saucy friend who wanted to explore her sexuality but couldn’t because she was restricted by her parents, society and judgmental little school girls. Then, she goes off to college in England — and boom! All the clothes suddenly come off and she’s ‘hanging out’ with a bunch of gora boys. You know this, because every day you’re forcefully exposed to a gazillion pictures from her “crazy” night(s) out at the pub. While you spend your nights watching “Humsafar” with your daadi, the pubs keep getting cooler; her minis keep getting shorter; the boys keep getting hotter; and her eyes keep getting glazier. And you are left in a vicious  cycle of judgment, hate, envy and then judgment all over again.

4.The campaigner

When the campaigner updates his status with, “3 Shias dead, AND THE WORLD SLEEPS” (all upper case, mind you), and it’s only been three minutes since the news was announced, it annoys me to no end. By updating his status, he isn’t any better than any of the rest of the ignorant world. What has armchair activism ever achieved?

5.Meme jokers

This guy has all the time in the world to dig up unfunny memes with some weird pictures created by some really farigh people. All day, he spends his time on Facebook and likes them, shares them with his friends and always comments, “EPIC yaaaaar”. Trust me, the joke is never epic.

For me all this “epicness” means my News Feed will be exploding with not-so-funny cats and babies saying things they’ll never really say.

6.The broken hearted girl

This girl is perpetually heartbroken and everyone from her chacha on Facebook to her mama on Twitter must know all about it.

She doesn’t care if there is still good left in the world. Broken-hearted girl just cannot see past the pain of rejection and betrayal. So every day, she will post a status like: “You had my heart inside your hand and you played it to the beat”.

She will sap out all your positive energy and make you want to kill yourself and/or her. Why can’t the witch just eat some candy and get over it already?!

7.The creative one

These guys have some sort of talent — it maybe writing or doodling stick figures or making cupcakes out of garbage. Great, good for you! Now please keep it to yourself and don’t post your latest article, the lovely stick figure or your yummy cupcake every day. You’re talented, we’re all convinced, so shut up about it and go back to doing what you do best.

8.The likers

I can guarantee that even if you upload a picture of poop, someone on your Facebook friends list will instantly hit the like button in three seconds. You can post your suicide note and someone will like it. You can change your relationship status to ‘divorced’ and someone will like it. It’s sickening to see that even pictures of abused dogs and malnourished kids in Africa get liked.  For god’s sake, stop LIKING everything!

9. The sportscasters

While the cricket jiyalas don’t bother you unless there is some huge match, the football sportscasters will update you with every non-consequential transfer goal and match all year long. They’ll get angry and fight like animals about their teams. Teams are like their tribes; their lifeline.

Cricket jiyalas come out of the dark when a big match is happening and whether you are watching the match or not, you will know after every minute how many balls are left, how many overs are left and how stupid the umpire is. I have a TV too, you know!

10. The inactive Facebooker

This guy has an account but he’s so cool and evolved that he “forgets” to check it. Just by being inactive, he’s trying to be better than all of us under-evolved monkeys updating our statuses with rubbish. If Facebook is so childish and stupid, why not deactivate your account altogether? I can bet he checks the thing pretty often but doesn’t admit it since it would ruin his image.

Do you blame him though? Because Facebook is like bad candy, no matter how disgusting it tastes, you put it in your mouth anyway and hope the taste has changed — only to be reminded that it tastes even worse than before.

 

Disclaimer: The author has been called No. 6 and No. 7 by her Facebook friends on various occasions. 

Published in The Express Tribune, September 9th, 2012.

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Reader Comments (28)

  • Blah
    Sep 8, 2012 - 11:24PM

    You forgot to mention the publicly love confessing couple, who love to show their love for each other to everyone. I mean why in the world would I be interested in how ur cat/dog/hubby/wife/gf/bf/fiancé etc has made your life so totally worth living??

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  • Ali Raza
    Sep 8, 2012 - 11:44PM

    The cool one who thinks she has got everything sorted in her head and makes a list of “annoying people on Facebook hogging my News Feed.”
    Recommend

  • Faham Saleem Asghar
    Sep 8, 2012 - 11:46PM

    This so hilarious. Loved it..

    Recommend

  • Ez
    Sep 8, 2012 - 11:48PM

    no.10 and the rest of the list are a paradox!
    u dont want us to be like 1-9 and then if u dont do that, you automatically become 10. yet u criticise him/her to deactivate the account?

    altogether good article!

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  • Reader
    Sep 9, 2012 - 12:04AM

    Dear Writer, do you know that there is a way to ‘silence’ your friends, so that their status updates and other activities do not show up in your news feed ? Yes you can un-check ‘show in news feed’ and get rid of such annoying updates instead of cribbing about it here

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  • Hasni
    Sep 9, 2012 - 12:11AM

    good article. food for massive introspection. perhaps u missed a category, however. the stalker, invisible on your newsfeed, yet always somehow there?!

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  • Annoyed
    Sep 9, 2012 - 12:32AM

    Stop accepting friends left right and centre and stick to the tolerable few … Then u wudnt have to go thru all these problems! Simple

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  • Sep 9, 2012 - 12:38AM

    You forgot the “intellectual” facebook user. He/she updates a quote every single day, and then bunch of his/her friends would jump on to “like” it. My news-feed is inundated by quotes from seemingly “intellectual” people who are considered to have “changed” the world. This facebook user wants us all to believe that he/she is the lone intellectual person on facebook and how he/she lives his/her life by these quotes. Because apparently all the wisdom of humanity has been captured in these ‘quotes.’

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  • Haider
    Sep 9, 2012 - 12:51AM

    I wonder what the writer does on facebook becoz she has censured every kind of a person out there on facebook.

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  • The Truth
    Sep 9, 2012 - 12:59AM

    facebook has a good security mechanism, you can go and block whatever you want..

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  • Madiha
    Sep 9, 2012 - 12:59AM

    hahahah loved it! great piece once again Saba! keep it up! :)

    p.s: I found the Shia reference insensitive though :/Recommend

  • san
    Sep 9, 2012 - 2:08AM

    Really enjoyed it.

    “Disclaimer: The author has been called No. 6 and No. 7 by her Facebook friends on various occasions”.

    Recommend

  • san
    Sep 9, 2012 - 2:11AM

    The pictures are amazing. Like it. Thumbs Up.

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  • hjvchjv
    Sep 9, 2012 - 3:06AM

    All the annoying people on Facebook are complaining :)

    But the campaigners: I cut them some slack. Their heart is in the right place. (No I am not one though I do share articles and news). But the rest are just obsessed with themselves.

    Recommend

  • Ramiz28
    Sep 9, 2012 - 5:17AM

    Like.

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  • Muhammed agha
    Sep 9, 2012 - 7:34AM

    Well you forgot about the Islamists, transforming your newsfeed to a forcefully subscribed religious news letter! From killings of Burma to the Arab spring, they got it all covered; with their profile pictures showing more hijab and beard than their faces!!!

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  • Israr
    Sep 9, 2012 - 1:11PM

    & 11 category would be the “super cool ones ” who criticizes everything :)

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  • Rida
    Sep 9, 2012 - 1:53PM

    We’re all waiting on your book Saba, it should be hilarious just like this article

    Recommend

  • Qasim
    Sep 9, 2012 - 2:19PM

    what about the ‘news reporters’ who watch TV/stay online everyday to give you the latest updates and think they were the first ones to know?

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  • Ayeza
    Sep 9, 2012 - 2:26PM

    Even though I myself find certain people on my list a little too annoying, the extent of my dislike goes to unsuscribing them from my NewsFeed. Try it, it’s the tab next to a person’s update on your NewsFeed.Recommend

  • uzma b
    Sep 9, 2012 - 2:27PM

    sabz u forgot the stalker!! :|

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  • Saad
    Sep 9, 2012 - 3:06PM

    Hey Saba,

    You forgot to mention the sad, lonely, frustrated type whos profile no one visits, then that person ends up writting a criticizing article in a paper or blog just to get the moment of fame from unknown people that they never got from their friends on Facebook :P

    Recommend

  • tj
    Sep 9, 2012 - 3:17PM

    you forgot to mention people posting their little kids and newly borns photos all the time so annoying.

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  • Shamy
    Sep 9, 2012 - 4:01PM

    Very well written….kept me engaged right from the start :)

    Recommend

  • zain ali
    Sep 10, 2012 - 1:12AM

    This is awesome!

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  • Najia
    Sep 10, 2012 - 5:37PM

    haha..You forgot to mention the doting mommy!! who needs to update her status every minute of the day.. she believes her child is the only child on earth and the world must know how many times her baby pooped, peed, threw tantrums, and said the miracle word mama!! and by the way, im also one of those mommies and i just LOVE doing that! ;)

    Recommend

  • Faisal Niaz
    Sep 10, 2012 - 11:05PM

    I would like to add a Category here: “The Life-Less Farigh-Damagh Blogger”..
    Its so disappointing to read most of the comments on this article. We as a nation are so depressed and life-less as a whole. We keep striving hard to raise a voice “AGAINST” everything. From our Top Politicians / Upcoming political parties to the most ordianry citizen, we feel PRIDE in criticizing and arguing and opposing the status quo. The writer “Saba” has been articulate and almost perfect in her observation as well as her write-up. But the Farigh Damagh Blogger, instead of being creative and doing some hard-work to come-up with an equally good article, has instead decided to write a few lines against the article… Feel sorry for all those people who are losing their sense of humor quickly and do not have the overall fun feel of the article

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  • Me
    Sep 14, 2012 - 7:34PM

    That’s partially amusing… You are along the lines of No.10 yourself, no ?

    Recommend

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