Wedding woes: In the name of marriage

Published: July 22, 2012
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Two Pakistani women recount    their journey from Miss to Mrs.

Two Pakistani women recount their journey from Miss to Mrs.

Two Pakistani women recount    their journey from Miss to Mrs. Two Pakistani women recount    their journey from Miss to Mrs.

Samia Malik

Aday after I signed my nikah papers, I happily texted my family and friends that I was now Samia Malik. The response was, to say the least, unexpectedl! I hadn’t even made it official, but panic-stricken friends already started scolding me, “Are you out of your mind?” Relatives told me not to sacrifice my identity while others interrogated whether my husband was a “male chauvinist” and was forcing this change on me.

I just couldn’t understand this exaggerated response — aren’t Pakistanis known to be inclined towards a patriarchal status quo?  Unsure of how to deal with this situation, I asked my husband what he thought. He casually told me, “It will be nice if you change your name, but I leave it up to you.” Although I understood what he meant and appreciated the liberty he gave me, ironically, it also meant that I would solely be responsible for the decision and its consequences.

Before I knew it, everyone around me was offering me their two cents on this subject. A close relative with a religious background decreed that it was not prescribed in Islam: “The Quran and Sunnah preach that a married woman should keep her father’s name as an indication of her lineage. Surely, if changing your name was a good thing, the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) would have done so and would have been instructed by him as well.”

A family friend was also quick to push her thoughts to my mother. “What happens if God forbid she gets separated, or something happens to her husband and she has to marry another man? Will she keep changing her surname every time she marries?” she said. I doubted that the name change would be the most pressing issue on my mind were I to undergo such unfavorable situations with the rapidity that she suggested.

A friend of mine with progressive views mused, “Why do men get to keep their father’s name and not women? It just doesn’t make any sense!”

I weighed people’s warnings, my own reasoning and what my husband wanted. But I still couldn’t make my up my mind.

I discussed the option of adding my husband’s family name after my father’s name (Samia Saleem-Malik) just like Angelina Jolie had done for Brad Pitt. But my husband, who is a die-hard cricket fan, hated the idea of identifying me as Samia Saleem-Malik. It reminded him too much of the cricketer ‘Saleem Malik’. And considering Malik had been accused of spot-fixing in his cricketing career, I didn’t want myself associated with it. Two surnames posed a problem professionally as well. Given my newspaper’s policy of taking a by-line of only two names, his name would still not be identified in my published name.

During all this contemplation, I also saw some reason in the arguments against my name change. I am a working woman and a journalist, my articles are published with a particular by-line; changing my by-line would mean that people may stop attributing my work to me. Still, I reasoned, it wasn’t like I would lose my identity completely. I also thought that if a majority of women change their name after marriage, my name change should also not be such a big deal, personally or professionally.

So I finally went for the change — I wanted to know what the difference was!

Making that declaration to my possessive parents and skeptical friends was no less than dropping a bombshell on them. And my younger brother — he still doesn’t like the sound of it.

In the end, I found out that, although Pakistani men don’t force you into changing your name, they certainly feel ‘good’ if you take their name. My husband is happy and likes that sense of belonging.

At the end of the day, what won me over was the thought of a complete family unit. If I’m married to someone, I would like for both of us to have the same last name, along with our children. So we all feel like one big family.

And professionally, it didn’t end up being such a barrier, people eventually got to know me by my new name — Samia Malik!

Sarah Rehan

It was one of the most important days of my life: my nikah was solemnised at a mosque, I signed the papers, murmured qabool hay, qabool hay, qabool hay, and as the proceedings were securely sealed, I heard everyone wish me ‘mubarak’.

As the realisation of my new status slowly dawned on me, I heard someone say “Mrs Rehan”. It was my Nano smiling and calling out to me by my new name. Mrs Rehan — that sounded so awkward and aunty-like — as if she were addressing one of her own friends! I lightly objected but secretly enjoyed being associated in that way with my husband. Now I was Mrs Rehan.

Within a few days of married life, I wanted to make the name change official. First off, I visited the NADRA office to update my name, address and marital status on the most official document — the National Identity Card. As I waited in queue, I heard someone call out “Sarah Rehan”. It took me a minute to realise that they were calling me; it felt strange and different. That was the moment I realised I was renouncing the name that I had signed across at so many places all my life, the name that I had been born with. I clumsily signed ‘Sarah Rehan’ on a piece of paper. Then, I quickly practiced the new signature a few times and submitted the sample.

But the name change was not just a sentimental process; updating and revising important documents like driving license, club membership cards, bank credit/debit cards, and academic/professional certificates was a tedious and time-consuming process on its own. It was also a testing transition for me as a wife, already undergoing a host of changes.

Some women continue to stick to their maiden names after marriage to maintain their academic, professional and social identity as it existed prior to their marriage. My husband supported whatever name choice made me feel more comfortable. However, the charm of being attached to a new person and a new name — after bearing the name of the family that raised me — is warm and unique. I knew what I wanted. I welcomed the name change.

I used to wonder why people said that a new life starts after one gets married — I have now experienced the feeling. It is a new name, a new family — a new existence altogether. Among the tirade of tricky transitions that happen from ‘single’ to ‘married’, the name change is a small but significant transition. I moved to a new city, a new home and got blessed with new parents. My surroundings changed altogether and the change was not just that alone, I was now sharing my life with someone. Amidst these changes, I would have felt incomplete had I not associated with my husband fully by adopting his name. This change signifies the unity of the bond that I share with him. It gives me the strength of a companion who stands with me every moment. It reflects the newness that I have undergone with the marriage. Now we are collectively addressed as Mr and Mrs Rehan. My new name makes me feel securely attached to my life partner — and that is a great feeling to cherish and treasure!

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, July 22nd, 2012.

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Reader Comments (14)

  • Nice :)
    Jul 22, 2012 - 3:40PM

    Lovely read. I think it’s sweet you both found someone to be comfortable with and the dilemma of the name change in Saima’s story was hilarious!….especially the person giving the religious justification of why a woman need not change her name, made me giggle. Every girl knows someone like that. Lovely light article. :)

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  • Parvez
    Jul 22, 2012 - 4:10PM

    Nice read, but did I miss something because in both stories they changed their names. In the second one you should have had a case of no change of name, to balance it out.

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  • Bushra
    Jul 22, 2012 - 8:05PM

    Sweet. I am sure one can only opt for such a tiresome process if she truly is in love. It has more to do with how you feel about the other person than just signing the nikahnama. I still wonder how women who choose not to change their surname feel. I would love to read their experience too. As for the two of you, I am glad about how you both feel. God bless.

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  • blah
    Jul 22, 2012 - 8:10PM

    how lame!! another norm from the male chauvinist western culture. How can you be sure that a mere name change is a guarantee of a successful marriage? Its a pity that men in our society are so insecure with a woman’s independence, her social status and her freedom to be known without an association to them.

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  • zara
    Jul 22, 2012 - 10:40PM

    I feel the preference of changing names varies person to person.I would be fine with my maiden name while simultaneously being called as Mrs Husband’ name.But religion has nothing to do in this regard as Bibi Fatima is often refered as Zoja Ali ibne Abi Talib(meaning wife of Ali or Mrs Ali) not Fatima Ali.

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  • Reader
    Jul 23, 2012 - 12:06AM

    @ nice:)
    It is dissapointing the way you reacted the way you did on the mention of a,religious person’s response in this article..it is completely alright if someone wants to adopt their husbands name in accordance with western norm..
    Islam however, respects individual identity and thus we women have the liberty to keep our maiden names even after marriage.
    We need to keep this in mind that islam is a complete way of life and all its teachings will have favorable impact on the believer.. So please refrain from mocking people who bring religious teachings into everyday life as it is the right way to succeed in both the world and the hereafter.Recommend

  • noor
    Jul 23, 2012 - 2:39AM

    how stupid..why would anyone want to change their name?your name is your identity..you’re so ever ready to lose your identity for a..man? tsk

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  • Maiden name
    Jul 23, 2012 - 3:57AM

    With marriage as a woman you give up your parents, your job, your social circle, your right to your life and your body. Well surname is something i desperately needed to hold on to. I felt as giving it up would mean my name my identity was lacking something and I didn’t like being me. Also I seriously didn’t want to go through the ordeal of getting it altered on all official documents. Its the only thing that makes me feel in power of me:)

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  • speakthetruth
    Jul 23, 2012 - 4:52AM

    Islam allows women to keep their father’s name after marriage, a symbol of equality, and why not.
    Attaching your name to the husband’s family name was centuries ago initiated by the Christians showing inequality of their attitude towards women folk. It was a way of suppressing their whole way of life and also to put a dent in the link between the girl and her family.

    It is utterly strange & mindboggling to read that where Islam is upholding a women’s status, the adoption of a western way that lowers the stature of the women is being encouraged and the whole scenario is looked at with an emotional and romantic sense! So much for moaning at Islam by the women!!

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  • Anonymous
    Jul 23, 2012 - 2:58PM

    i dun understand ke why is the world interested in whether u want to change the name or not..it is a matter between the newly weds …which they will im sure sort out…the world seriously needs to take a back seat!!!

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  • Chappy
    Jul 24, 2012 - 1:29AM

    In both stories, the woman mentions that having a like-name is attractive to them and their husbands, so they can feel like a unit. But why, then, is the suggeston of the man taking her name not even on the table? Why isn’t he sacrificing a piece of his identity to show his commitment or devotion to the new bond? If changing one’s name is so wonderful, then why aren’t more men doing it?

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  • Nice :)
    Jul 24, 2012 - 5:24AM

    @Reader:
    My gosh, I hadn’t realised my comments were derogatory. I wasn’t making fun of anyone, as you’ve so vehemently suggested, but do excuse me if I’m not an avid member of the god-squad and feel the need to consult the man upstairs on everything…mountain and molehill comes to mind. I was appreciating the writer’s situation, not making a mockery of her faith. Christ, you people never let anything slide….

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  • some sense
    Jul 24, 2012 - 10:05PM

    It is ironic that where Islam uphold’s the rights of women, we do not want to take them and instead find it sweet and romantic to give up that right. But on other issues, we stand up to ask for our rights as women falsely accusing Islam of taking them away from us. In reality, it is us women who have the greatest role in relegating our status in society by giving into patriarchal customs. Our culture can at many times be patriarchal or chauvinistic and we view it as sweet and romantic. (Take the case of dating where men can use women in any way they like and then just move on, no protection of the woman’s rights here – oh but wait that’s romantic!)
    Changing your name to include your husband’s name is such a tiny thing compared to the beautiful relationship of husband and wife that is honored in Islam. Islam calls marriage half of your deen, your spouse completes you, they are the companion of the side, the spouse is called ‘your garment’ – such a beautiful way to describe the intimate relation. There is nothing romantic about changing your name to include your husband’s, especially when your parents also consider it their right for you to maintain your maiden name- are you not infringing on their rights then? What is romantic is that your husband accepts you completely for who you are, as you are – that you do not have to ‘change’ yourself for him. What is romantic that he treats you as a queen the way his religion teaches him.
    You definitely have the right to choose what you want to do. It is just that I find it ironic that we give up a right our religion gives us and then complain that Islam favors men. May Allah give you both a happy and fulfilling marriage. But know that marriage is a lot more than your name and his.

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  • Nobody
    Jul 25, 2012 - 11:58AM

    @Maiden name:
    If you truly gave up all those things, than that sounds more like a prison sentence, less like a marriage. I would never give any of the above up for a marriage, nor would I expect my future mate too. Equal compromise and sacrifice from both is the way to go.

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