The art of female assertiveness

How to hold your own at work, without falling on the wrong side of ‘aggressive’.

A powerful, confident and assertive woman at the top of her career is usually perceived by society as that horrifying mythical creature — the Medusa — albeit with better hair, designer heels and lipstick! And why not? Women are taught from an early age to be likeable and agreeable, traits which actually give young women a serious disadvantage at work. When it comes to decision-making and negotiations, men don’t mind being displeasing, unlikable or pushy. But if women dare go the same route, they are labelled ‘witches’, ‘ice-queens’, ‘she-mans’ or ‘drama queens’. So for a woman it is essential to walk the career rope without falling on the shameful side of ‘submissiveness’ or the ugly side of ‘aggressiveness’.

The middle road is — assertiveness. Whether you’re asking for a raise, a promotion, particular projects, time off or discussing appraisals, assertiveness is a trait that can come handy everywhere. In other words, it’s a storm that every working woman has to weather. But without it, it’s impossible to remain true to your profession, career and capabilities.

1- You’re not office scenery!

Although it’s easy just to blend in with the office furniture, it’s absolutely integral that you stand out. When you don’t understand something fully, don’t feel stupid about asking for clarifications. Asking questions shows that you’re smart — and confident about your intelligence. The thing to remember with asking questions is that you don’t want to structure them apologetically or start by “I’m sorry but ...” or “I hate to ask but...” Another way to make sure that you are on the same page with the speaker is by summarising what has been said, e.g. “If I understand you correctly, you mean…”

2- Get your body on board

When you’re dishing out the ‘No’, it loses half its value when done meekly with hunched shoulders, while you’re staring at your feet and your head is bobbing up and down. 93 percent of all communication is non-verbal. So your eye contact, posture, voice and facial expressions should tell the same story. This might be the most difficult step to master, but the good thing is it can easily be faked. Start with maintaining eye contact with the speaker, whether it is a one-on-one discussion or a meeting. Use the space around you, spread your elbows, relax your shoulders and resist the urge to smile unnecessarily — a neutral expression fares best.

3- Dare to disagree

Whenever you disagree with a decision or feel marginalised or treated unfairly, SPEAK UP! Doing that in front of upper management can be scary because it might make you feel vulnerable. By not speaking up at the right time you bottle up your feelings about an issue, and end up resentful, victimised and anxious. Practise the ability to say ‘no’ more often. Start with something small like declining a lunch invitation or refusing to drop that colleague who lives on the other side of town home.

4- Know you’re a star!

A positive attitude goes a long way — when you truly appreciate your strengths and know your weaknesses, you automatically create a superhuman shield around you, a protective exterior that cannot be broken by difficult circumstances or negative people. It starts from paying attention to looking good, thinking positively, feeling like a superstar and walking in a way that will make people sit up and take notice! The easiest way is to surround yourself with people who make you feel good about your capabilities, and to slowly cut off all negative influences in your life. Place Rs5 in a jar every time you have a negative belief creeping up on you.

5- Do it over and over again

When you learn to walk, you keep at it even when you fall over and over again.  Don’t restrict assertiveness to the workplace; take it home and practice it in everyday life. If you didn’t like your meal, tell the restaurant manager. If you’re annoyed by talkative strangers at the cinema, politely tell them to hush up. If you’re being pushed into buying something, learn to refuse it even if the salesman is extremely charming. Because the only person who will stand up for you, is you!

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, July 15^th, 2012.