The BackBencher: Head to the slammer for yourself, says Soomro

Jails are not to be dreaded, feared, or to be ashamed of visiting. They are a veritable picture of serenity and calm.

KARACHI:

“You can come any time!” cried Ayaz Soomro, the law minister, as he was quizzed on the subject of jail conditions on Friday morning.

O, people of Sindh. You have been misled for far too long on the state of jails. They are not a place to be dreaded and feared, or to be ashamed of visiting. They are a veritable picture of serenity and calm.

And do not be deceived by the propaganda about threats and poor conditions. According to Soomro, “no torture is practiced, there are no political prisoners or riots, prisoners get good food and do not have access to mobile phones”. Those days, he declared, are over.

The spin, coupled with a few well-timed jokes, was so slick that Soomro was just short of recommending that newly wed couples head to their nearest prison for their honeymoon.

These pristine jails must only exist in the parallel universe inhabited by Soomro. For the reality is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious).

If Soomro is to be believed, the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan should be punished for suggesting that 11 of the 25 prisons in Sindh are overcrowded. And surely the International Crisis Group fabricated an interview with the inspector-general of prisons in Sindh who said that it was difficult to clamp down on mobile phones being snuck in for prisoners. Such blatant lies must be condemned, for Soomro is the one-man authority on jails. “They have their own code words, you know,” he said, with all the confidence of an insider. “They call a bathroom a khirki (window)!”

If you don’t believe him, accept his invitation to take a trip behind bars to see how the floors of jails are now being tiled with marble. Perhaps, their fountains are gushing with water too and the prisoners – at least 14,000 in all - sing hymns praising Soomro’s benevolence.

“I have been in jail. Everyone is treated the same,” proffered Local Government Minister Agha Siraj Durrani, eager to impress upon MPAs how the Prison is a great social leveller.

“Then, why do we have A, B and C class [barracks]?” asked Dr Ahmed Ali Shah of the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP).

Soomro proceeded to tell the House that the government spends Rs117 daily on food per prisoner. “Sometimes there’s meat, sometimes vegetables or lentils, tea and rusks,” was his summary of the buffet menu.

Everyone basked in Soomro’s glory. PPP MPA Jam Tamachi Unar praised the department’s performance. He asked why other government departments couldn’t function the same way as the jails did and appoint honest officers on merit. Without batting an eyelid, Soomro said he had noted the suggestion. Set your clocks, people. Governance is about to improve in 5, 4, 3, 2... election time!

Published in The Express Tribune, March 10^th, 2012.