10 things I hate about parties

Published: February 5, 2012
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The all-too desi pick-up lines — My father’s an MNA, Chaudhry XYZ … do you want to dance with me?

The all-too desi pick-up lines — My father’s an MNA, Chaudhry XYZ … do you want to dance with me?

1.    The middle-aged merry-makers. Abandon all hopes of spotting eye candy. You’d think that a happening party will be thronged by hot youngsters, but instead you’ll be seeing mostly pot-bellied uncles and over-botoxed cougars.

2.    The inaccessible washrooms. Be warned: you will never find an unoccupied washroom once the party gets going. Bang on the locked toilet doors all you want, but don’t expect the people inside to pay heed to pleas of impending bladder damage.

3.    The lack of proper refreshments.  A note to the host: Since when did chips fried in cow fat and Rs20 nimko sold at shoddy CNG pumps begin counting as “snacks”? Considering you’re selling tickets for Rs10,000 per couple, can’t we at least expect Planter’s peanuts?

4.    The cheap Hindi music. Just when the Chemical Brothers get you into the mood to dance, the DJ switches to Munni Badnaam and suddenly aunties with gyrating hips occupy the dance floor. Why must all merry-making in Pakistan ultimately resemble big desi weddings?

5.    The same phony conversations.

Stranger:  So you work at a bank. Do you know so-and-so there?

You: Yes, he’s my colleague.

Stranger: Oh you do. What a small world it is!

Well stranger, curb your phony enthusiasm. The world is a small place for Pakistan’s privileged cliques. Try going outside and finding a mutual connection with a person on the street.

6.     The underage teens — Amongst the hordes of aunties and uncles, you will always spot a few overexcited teenagers — skinny boys with oodles of hair gel and girls in skin-tight clothes. Some genuine advice for them: Dear kids, it’s way past your bed time, so go home and come back in 10 years.

7.    The confusing social dynamics  — Why do some couples, who arrive together and spend most of their time engaging in public displays of affection, suddenly break up and leave the party with other people? It’s really confusing and makes you wonder what you missed out on for hours.

8.    The all-too desi pick-up lines — My father’s an MNA, Chaudhry XYZ … do you want to dance with me?

Oh, so you’re a PTI supporter? So am I! Let’s go out and discuss this further over coffee.

9.    The smoke. I don’t know what’s worse: inhaling diesel fumes on my way back home from work or sitting in a room full of cigarette smoke for hours. Shindigs in Pakistan should come with a serious health warning.

10.    The dance floor discussions on politics. If drawing room discussions on politics weren’t vacuous enough, dance floor musings on the country’s “sad state of affairs” take empty talk to another level. Do people even realise how lame they sound when they lament the civil-military imbalance in between dance routines?

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, February 5th, 2012.

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Reader Comments (30)

  • Huma
    Feb 5, 2012 - 12:04PM

    lol!

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  • Khurram Mansoor
    Feb 5, 2012 - 12:25PM

    So pathetic, and do not know what people want to show by attending such parties.

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  • Vigilant
    Feb 5, 2012 - 12:26PM

    Dancing???…..Enlightened Moderation…..

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  • Yoda
    Feb 5, 2012 - 12:41PM

    Why don’t I ever get invited to these parties?!

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  • Icydevil
    Feb 5, 2012 - 12:42PM

    Where do SUCH parties with dancing and everything happen in Pakistan?? Have I been living all my life under the rock or something??

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  • maiden
    Feb 5, 2012 - 12:52PM

    Dear Author, You go to some mighty shady parties. That is all.Recommend

  • Ali Kazmi
    Feb 5, 2012 - 1:03PM

    For reals, Maria Waqar? I thought these parties were really hip and happenin’. I’ve never been to one of these parties (I’m too poor to blow 10,000 on a party I know I won’t get guys’ digits), but I’ve heard they’re a ball of fun.Recommend

  • Muzzamil Asad
    Feb 5, 2012 - 1:10PM

    Mohtarrma,
    What you have described in your article seems more like a family function. let me tell you ma’am, there are places in pak where genuine dance parties are held and i have never seen anyone talking about politics or uncles with fat bellies for that matter. parties that i have been to so far were great and had an amazing DJ’s. Recommend

  • Feb 5, 2012 - 1:12PM

    Dancing auntys ? Recommend

  • Feb 5, 2012 - 1:13PM

    Haha!

    Lmao-ing at the politics being discussed at parties.

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  • Feb 5, 2012 - 1:14PM

    @IcyDevil Yes you have been.

    @Yoda Haha, just start writing for a newspaper and you will.

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  • Anonymous
    Feb 5, 2012 - 1:17PM

    @Icydevil:
    Well these kind of parties are happening in Pakistan, and even in small towns like Hyderabad :P thing is you have to pay a lot of money for entry so most people tend to ignore them.

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  • double-sttandard
    Feb 5, 2012 - 1:20PM

    what ?? DJ?? dancing ? i stopped reading on No4 coz its simply a moderation capsule to imagine it happens in every gali n mahella of pakistan.topic of few thousand is published on mass reading tribune …come on buddy have some real topic to pen down ..highly unliked

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  • Feb 5, 2012 - 1:21PM

    And that, ladies and gentleman, is an example of the Pakistan of the Privileged; moving on in our tour, we have a Mother and Newborn Die in House Collapse (http://www.thenews.com.pk/article-33987-House-comes-crashing-on-family,-2-dead) and to your right you can see IJT-brand Islamists Harass Hostel Superintendent (http://www.thenews.com.pk/TodaysPrintDetail.aspx?ID=91272&Cat=5&dt=2/5/2012).
    No flash photography please.

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  • Raza Y
    Feb 5, 2012 - 1:23PM

    HAHAHAHAHA so true!!!!!! good job!

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  • Feb 5, 2012 - 1:37PM

    Are you trying tell you actually live this life, and that partying is natural in humanly world? Or you’re trying to promote this Las Vegas culture in our Country? Get life ET

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  • Pakistani Agnostic
    Feb 5, 2012 - 1:39PM

    There are thousands of parties like these in Karachi and i have no begun speaking about Lahore.
    Lahore is the capital of night life in Pakistan if you know the places. Booze has become a norm nowadays

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  • Ralf
    Feb 5, 2012 - 3:14PM

    A boring and a pointless blog. Like seriously?Today is the 12th of Rabi-ul-awwal, have some decency instead of posting such a irrelevant blog. We, the masses, really don’t care about your experiences concerning ‘Parties’. It would be better if you kept some things in your diary.

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  • Someone
    Feb 5, 2012 - 3:22PM

    Crack!!! (sound of heart breaking) Guess now that I’m old/middle aged and an Aunty type person, I should not try to have some fun by going to a party ‘and’ dancing! Should stay home and knit ….. babysit ….. pray …or….. watch Hamsafar (eeek NO). (well, do whatever we old people are supposed to do) Sigh! “Age Discrimination”, it hits us “all” one day! Enjoyed your article and will try to henceforth avoid parties to provide ample space for your eye candy :))))

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  • adeel
    Feb 5, 2012 - 4:29PM

    why are we such a wanabe nation?nah i think its just a 0.5% of population which is depeicted on this website as Pakistan. either i live in some other country…. u knw when u search for evil u will always find… evn during times of Zia such ppl existed…. tempted by satan and his tricks. Brothers n sisters this is isnt us…. no matter wht u say in ur heart whn hardship comes the Rememberance of God ( Allah) and His Messenger ( PBUH) will resonate. jst an advice. Being liberal doesnt mean stripping and losing morality and being condervative doesnt mean blowing up things. Dont misuse Islam for ur own evil desires. Salam

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  • A.Ali
    Feb 5, 2012 - 4:32PM

    such a piece of crap……… author is trying to highlight, she’s been in some cheap party in pakistan…

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  • Feb 5, 2012 - 6:08PM

    People partying or not partying, i dont have an objection to either, but why is precious web space being wasted on this?

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  • Maira
    Feb 5, 2012 - 7:26PM

    hahaha. and never ending queue for taking off coats which takes half of the time of party and annoying teans insisting to buy them booze.

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  • CHITRALI
    Feb 5, 2012 - 8:17PM

    This article reflects the frustration. take it east dude

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  • Anon
    Feb 5, 2012 - 8:45PM

    I have seen even the so called high class parties thrown by richest of the richest, and I have realised that across the board parties in pakistan are characterised by bad dressing, bad food, bad stage/dance floor settings and bad music. Yet these liberals are so desperate to get a taste of the Westernised elite lifestyles that they still attend these parties desperate to see and be seen. Each and everything the author mentions is true of all parties.Recommend

  • Ismail
    Feb 5, 2012 - 10:25PM

    The sa thing is that the writer tries to present an image of an elitest culture in our country, showing how the acceptance of western liberalism is prevalent. However the ironic fact is that this entire scenario does not have one cent of similarity with the western elites. They donot hammer themselves had dance like oversexualised pieces of meat, this is what the irrelevant commoners do.

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  • Raza
    Feb 5, 2012 - 11:19PM

    Haha. Valid points. Ample reason, along with the price tag, why one shouldn’t attend them.

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  • Haris Sajjad
    Feb 6, 2012 - 12:29AM

    I think we have lot more to discuss than these 0.01 % representatives of this society..

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  • Pakshapastra
    Feb 10, 2012 - 8:38PM

    Very funny.

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  • Lady
    Feb 16, 2012 - 10:38PM

    lolzzz…

    try going to Civilzed, American parties for a change!!

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