10 things I hate about the wedding season

Published: August 2, 2010
Email

1. Why must I attend the mayun, mehndi, shaadi, valima, five dholkis AND a new-fangled pseudo-extremist dars for the wedding of my mother’s cousin’s son’s daughter? Why?!

2. The throngs of relatives arriving from abroad who decide to camp in your house because we Pakistanis are well-known for our strong family values and would rather die than suggest that our kin spend the wedding season in a hotel. Can I get an expletive in here?

3. Dance practice. And dances in general. Hasn’t the coordinated dancing trend gotten completely out of hand? Why are people taking professional trainers on for weddings? Isn’t inviting strangers to weddings just because they dance well completely insane? And if I have to do another coordinated dance combining bhangra with hip-hop moves just because that’s the done thing now (insert colourful expletive here).

4. I absolutely loathe that 45 minute drive to the wedding hall/outdoor tent which is inevitably delayed because the womenfolk (who happen to be the ones actually interested in attending) just can’t seem to find that set of bangles which matches that particular pair of shoes.

5. So you get to the wedding which is ultra crowded (because everyone wants to make ‘the scene yaar’) and you discover that the only table with free seats is the ‘old people’ table… ’nuff said.

6. The false smiles and running into people you hate in a setting where you simply don’t have the option of sticking a knife into them. Why must weddings be on such a grand scale that you end up inviting 40 people you abhor?

7. The overzealous banker-type yuppies who get hammered to prove they are not the sum of their MBA degrees, and the ancient aunty/uncle types who insist on dancing with the ‘bachas’ in an inebriated version of the cha-cha or samba.

8. Did I mention I hate the rishta brigade? Those gossiping ladies in the corner trying their hand at on-the-go matchmaking for the next wedding season. “Do you think that girl is too healthy for my son?” or “Mashallah, with a wallet like that, he must be a good catch.”

9. The obligatory 10,000 photos which each wedding season comes with. Fifty taken by the professional photographer, and 9,950 taken by giggly girls competing to see who can have the largest Facebook album of the season.

10. I hate the good food. If it wasn’t for the good food, I’d never go.

Published in The Express Tribune August 1st, 2010.

Facebook Conversations

Reader Comments (36)

  • blogger
    Aug 2, 2010 - 1:14PM

    The “10 things I hate” series is not terribly funny.
    Doesn’t the Express Tribune have anything to better to fill its pages with ?Recommend

  • Sakina
    Aug 2, 2010 - 1:34PM

    hahaha..wow! nice one…tho im one of those who like 2 attend weddings for the sake ofgetting all dressed up :DRecommend

  • Phaja
    Aug 2, 2010 - 1:37PM

    Wow you really laid into the wedding season. Bravo my friend.
    Really enjoyed it. :DRecommend

  • Ammar Zafarullah
    Aug 2, 2010 - 1:46PM

    oh but the food!!!!Recommend

  • Sadaf
    Aug 2, 2010 - 2:27PM

    excellen|||

    100% true great observationRecommend

  • sarah
    Aug 2, 2010 - 2:37PM

    funny how people often whine or mention adverse aspects of weddings, but expect others to do the same thing for them or their siblings/ children!

    how about writing an article on 10 things i love about wedding seasons(its festivities, colors, idea of bringing people together, good food, participation, social networking, fun and frolics etc). this is all part of our culture and it is meant to be celebrated to the best of our capabilities (be it for the well off or not so well off). Recommend

  • Aug 2, 2010 - 3:02PM

    Why can’t anybody seem to take the “10 Things I hate…” series…

    A) With a pinch of salt?
    B) At the very worst, as a humourous way of constructive criticism (this applies to some articles more than others…)

    All I’ve seen with these articles is people commenting and complaining about how it’s wrong that their culture be criticised, or their city be criticised, or their favourite popstar icon be criticised, or that sewing-circle-cum-book-club-cum-fashion-parade-for-worthy-bhabhis-for-wealthy-aunties thing they attend be criticised…Recommend

  • Aug 2, 2010 - 3:13PM

    LOLs….heheh Jay you have a similar school of thought,,,I hate marriages for the same rather some more resaons too….fat aunties are looking for a bakri and mothers of daughters are looking for a bakra….some family politics start as well…..if the groom and bride are a good match, you ll see jealousy on faces of some people,,,,Thanks to videos that catches those jealous kind gestures….The remarks on food…..Whats this? why didnt they offer chicken etc? ……and mostly people wasting food in their plates…..its pathetic…..I hate attending weddings…..Recommend

  • Aug 2, 2010 - 3:31PM

    I always take a good book with me. My recipe for a successful wedding is smile sweetly for the first ten minutes at all and sundry then simply ignore them until its time to go home then smile sweetly for another ten mins. Between the smiling sessions I get a jolly good read. As to the food…well there is never anything but bloody boiled/fried/curried bird of some variety or other and the cuisine at 90% of the weddings I have attended in the last 15 years has been abysmal. Recommend

  • Azeem Baig
    Aug 2, 2010 - 6:12PM

    so sweeeeeeettttttt….Recommend

  • Ghausia
    Aug 2, 2010 - 8:40PM

    I completely identify with points 1 and 6. I don’t even know how we’re related to XYZ mom, he doesn’t even know me, why do I have to go to his son’s wedding?! For number 6, I just ignore such people, or at best, use the excuse that my contacts tore so I’m not wearing them and thus did not see the relatives I loathe. :D And unless its degh wala alu salan, I don’t eat much, mainly because eating that late at night is totally unhealthy as your stomach doesn’t get to digest food properly.Recommend

  • Aug 2, 2010 - 10:10PM

    I usually will be found at these events tapping away:

    On my Iphone
    On my Nokia emailing
    On my Nokia and Iphone Simultaneously
    Playing games on my PSP
    Listening to Music

    Until the food at least… oooh! yea… the food… is the only thing that rocks. Recommend

  • AA
    Aug 2, 2010 - 10:17PM

    THRE THUMBS UP! I LOVE IT! Very reason I don’t plan on having a mehndi-why should I have randoms come dance at my wedding. WORSE! Have a bunch of randoms come watch these dances and have a bunch of gigglies UPLOAD pictures my event that hasn’t got a lot to do with them

    Fantastic and highly recommended. Recommend

  • Samreen
    Aug 2, 2010 - 11:02PM

    awesome!! everything is damn true!!….well i used to sleep in wedding ceremonies =P …..cux i dont like these “halla gulla”!!!…. n yup girls r really much Concious about thier facebook profiles!! ….haaaaa dont know why!! Recommend

  • satsuma
    Aug 2, 2010 - 11:22PM

    The tons of money spent on weddings just to outdo the others ! Simply horrendous and decadent.
    Lovely write up though !!! LOL !!! enjoyed it !Recommend

  • Aug 2, 2010 - 11:24PM

    Wedding food is usually awful.

    Up your standards. Recommend

  • Ali Zaidi
    Aug 3, 2010 - 12:01AM

    And whose tradition are we following in organising wasteful (and shameful) events like Mehndi and Mayun?

    What happens to our ‘ghairat’ when the girls and ladies we respect and protect otherwise and dancing in front of a crowd largely made up of strangers gawking at every movement of their bodies?

    Why don’t we consider the peace of the neighbours that we found were too poor or too unimportant to be invited when we blare out loud music at such gatherings?

    Where is the sense in wasting truck-loads of food on people who are in most cases quite well fed and well-to-do, instead of may be taking the same to an orphanage or (given the amount!) even a village of people who are not so blessed?

    Is “sub kartay hain” the perfect excuse to shut out any reasoning from religion, economy, social etiquettes or even humanity?Recommend

  • Rana Umair
    Aug 3, 2010 - 5:55AM

    hahaha really funny! But i guess these kinda weddings are part of our culture. To be honest i really like the way our society celebrates weddings but yeah the article itself was awesome! Recommend

  • satsuma
    Aug 3, 2010 - 10:04AM

    well said mr zaidi.
    I have already told both my daughters that they can forget abt any idiotic rasams etc .when its their time ,and i will make sure i stick to my decision whether someone likes it or not !Recommend

  • Omais
    Aug 3, 2010 - 7:57PM

    Lolzz… Sounds like this writer has suffered with loadz of compelling wedding invitations .. :p ..

    Indeed a True one!Recommend

  • Hamza
    Aug 3, 2010 - 11:01PM

    I absolutely love these ‘hate’ articles. Great job, keep it up! :DRecommend

  • Worried_Sick
    Aug 4, 2010 - 12:27AM

    Spot on! Especially the choreographed dances bit. Not only are people taking these dances way too seriously (and admittedly, I’ve come to loathe the term “dance practice”), there are so many of these boys I know who actually volunteer to go dance at weddings because they’re good. Just like that show on Aag TV called “Fire Station,” which showcases talent (Note: Is this the future of Pakistan? YIKES!)Recommend

  • miks
    Aug 4, 2010 - 5:35AM

    ‘pseudo extremist dars’ hahaRecommend

  • Aug 4, 2010 - 10:49AM

    half of the points are really true…other half just imply to you, i guess. You are delineating your pessimistic views about these celebrations a bit too much.Recommend

  • Nighat Khan
    Aug 4, 2010 - 11:07AM

    Absolutely true ridiculously choreographed uncoordinated moves! Gone are the days when dholki used to be homebased close family and friends just dancing for fun. Weddings in Pakistan are show of wealth illgotten in most cases. If you have any doubt just look at Shoiab Malik’s endless receptions.You think most of country towns n villages are drowning in water, Karachi being burnt and young lives lost in aircrash there would be some sense of shame, modesty and collective mourning! No Sir. Recommend

  • Samad Jan Firdous Kamdanwala
    Aug 4, 2010 - 11:13AM

    Not a fan of these 10 things i hate about articles, but you’ve actually done a great job. Loved the giggly girls and their facebook albumsRecommend

  • Jonathan Ash
    Aug 4, 2010 - 11:20AM

    Dear Jay,

    I experienced the “desi” weddings this summer, and i must say your article is spot on. I quite like your train of thought and was wondering whether you would like to write for a niche Pakistani Newspaper which i run in London. Could you somehow let me know of any modes of communication possible to get through to you.

    Thanks,

    Jonathan AshRecommend

  • B
    Aug 4, 2010 - 5:34PM

    lol! fun fun :D. Recommend

  • Aug 5, 2010 - 1:18PM

     Your idea coincides with mine.and I think it’s better.Recommend

  • Faraz
    Aug 6, 2010 - 10:22AM

    Great stuff, There is no reason of having such activities because it’s our so called culture. One should look at the expenditures and the kind of money one waste in all such activities.
    Our people like to enjoy this because most of them don’t have to pay for their weddings from their own pockets, all they have to do is dress up and attend the wedding.
    If we just start counting on such expenses and pay from our own pockets, we will realize how hard it is these days to save such amount of money!!Recommend

  • Tatheer
    Aug 6, 2010 - 12:36PM

    So True .. =D a real picture of wedding ceremony by words!=p
    Specially .. that “Fifty taken by the professional photographer, and 9,950 taken by giggly girls competing to see who can have the largest Facebook album of the season”. =DRecommend

  • Aug 7, 2010 - 6:10PM

    Its a part of our culture that we got from Indians….mehndi, mayoon, , aarsi mushaf, ddodh pilai , joota chupai, in weddings….thats not our culture……Recommend

  • Haidar Hussain
    Aug 11, 2010 - 12:26AM

    HAHAHAHAHA….LOVE IT!!Recommend

  • Annie
    Aug 11, 2010 - 12:34AM

    Haha nice.Recommend

  • That Guy
    Aug 16, 2010 - 9:26PM

    LOL! although i dont despise weddings with the same vigour and passion some of the people commenting do, i found it higly amusing, seriously, alot of it, sadly, is ACTUALLY true…which, when you ponder over it, is astoundingly upsetting…after all…our weddings can be so full of excessive nonsense sometimes…anyhow, nice work…the light and non-forgiving humour put a smile on my face =)Recommend

  • Ifra
    Oct 12, 2010 - 2:55PM

    I just hate extravagent weddings and I boycott the weddings with too much pomp n show. What is it for anyways??? It seems more like a headache to dressup for atleast 5 formal functions besides dance practices etc type dinners. And to meet the same people on every occasion, and a new dress with matching acessories for each person and each event. How insane it is.Recommend

More in Life & Style