Aniston’s love life: Celebrity smackdown

Single women put all their romantic hopes in Jennifer Aniston’s love life.

KARACHI: There’s only one reason single women all over the world slobber over everything Jennifer Aniston breathes, wears, has, does, feels — she makes us realise that even if we had the body of a 24-year old in our 40s, starred in the most overrated show in the history of mankind, and got paid a couple of cool millions every month to do the exact same movie with a different hot actor, we would still not be able to snag ourselves an appropriate man.

In more ways than one, we are all Jennifer Anistons.

Although our exes looked more like stale cheesecake, the other woman he left us for didn’t have the lips of a batfish and a Benetton brood following her around, and our hair didn’t start their own worldwide revolution, the fact that we’ve been betrayed, messed up our careers and rebounded with the wrong guy (read: John Mayer) puts us all in the same unlucky boat as Aniston.

But Aniston’s recent relationship with Justin Theroux, the hotter version of John Mayer — minus the narcissism — convinces us that maybe, just maybe, despite our daddy issues and borderline personalities, we can also find our happily ever afters. So for our sake, Jennifer, don’t screw this up!

So here are just a few tips to make this relationship finally last 

1.As much as you want to share the perils of your past, don’t! I can assure you, if he knows how to read, he’s probably learnt about everything from the soap you use to how “not-cool” it was for Witchelina to have an affair with your husband.

2.Yes, you’d like to get those eggs hatching as soon as possible, but stop doing movies where you are a dignified man hunter. It may rub some male the wrong way.

3.Don’t tell your friends, mother, US magazine, how wonderful your new boyfriend is and how happy you are. We all know how much it hurts when you say things are perfect and seven years and a pair of twins later, your husband has an affair with a flight attendant (think Jennifer Lopez).

4.Stop sneaking in your nude body in every magazine cover, movie or advertisement. Yes, it is a miracle of God, but it only makes us a tiny bit jealous and makes you look a whole lot desperate.

5.We know you take chances with your love life, but can you be a little adventurous with your fashion sensibilities and that old blond mane? Ditch those little black dresses  and mayVbe colour your hair an extreme red!

Basically don’t talk too much, don’t over think, don’t under or over dress, don’t act for a while, and by all means avoid the John Mayer disease. If you can manage that, you may bring all the five trillion single women sitting in their homes stuffing their faces every day with potato chips and diet coke, their much needed happiness.

No pressure, but, you think you can do that?

Published in The Express Tribune, December 14^th, 2011.