A society as opinionated as ours has unrelentingly dogged concepts about myriad issues including the right age to marry; narrow definitions of beauty [gori chitee larrki honi chahiye or a fair and light-skinned girl is a preference]; what constitutes an eligible suitor, suitable education and career choices and the stigma of divorce et al.
Regardless of their socio-economic class and the degrees they hold, most individuals’ mindsets are unalterable and hardwired in their brains like tumours. This illustrates that we are far more governed by rituals and cultural mores rather than our own ideas.
The sad truth is that most of us spend our lives involved in things ordained for us either by society or our families. Anything out of the box is deemed unacceptable and met with hostility and antagonism. Hence one ordinarily lives a life bent upon pleasing others and not oneself Exploration and experimentation are dual sins.
A popular quote on Facebook that has been shared a lot is as follows:
“I regret situations in life where I should have said no but ended up saying yes.”
This statement indubitably has myriad of dimensions but the one I feel is truly devastating relates to situations where one is prevented from pursuing one’s dreams only because it is objectionable to others.
Right from the beginning the first born or the smartest child of the family is encouraged to become a doctor regardless of their interest or knowledge about what a medical career actually entails. It is ingrained into their minds that nothing can supersede a career in medicine. As one matures and explores one’s options, one may want to perhaps venture on a different path but is however ordinarily discouraged by the debilitating societal refrain loag kya kahen ge or what will people say? Or quite simply shrugged off as, “these are not proper career-jobs!”
In God’s creation of us, He has imbued all humans with a hidden talent that can be further enhanced with proper training. If we pursue our passions we can climb the ladder of success far sooner than what it takes those already defeated by familial and societal pressures.
No matter how much we insist on concentrating on ourselves and trying not to appease others, the majority of us continue to fall into the trap of living according to others’ expectations and predestined, rules and rituals.
To ruminate about how life might be if we did exactly as we pleased in spite of the risks and repercussions involved. I would like to share the stories and experiences of some phenomenally brave individuals who went against the grain; travelled a different path and now stand content in their lives — extraordinary people and ordinary lives or even vice versa if you think deeply.
Freedom through art and design
“I have had a really troubled past, because my family was least supportive about my choice of taking arts in matric,” shares *Salma Ansari, a 50-year-old interior designer.
She still remembers being yelled at by the whole family for even thinking about it. “My dad said, ‘Your siblings are either doctors or engineers, how can you even think of something so bizarre. Doing arts will not give you a proper career or job!’ Hence I took pre-engineering and flunked every now and then. At home, I was often tortured with statements like ‘You are stupid, you will become a “maasi” [domestic staff], you can’t score well etc.’”
Salma proceeded to the US for high school and fortunately there as a minor course, she took ceramics and woodworks which worked in her favour. “I enjoyed working with my hands and discovered my creative side,” she says.
When Salma got admission in Syracuse University for Fashion Designing, her parents summoned her to return home and got her enrolled in a BSc programme. “However, that is when I had to beg and please them to get me enrolled in NCA for which I lied, and told them I am getting admission in architecture whereas I had applied in design,” she confesses. “After four years when my parents found out that my degree was in design, there was a huge uproar at home.
In due course, Salma had to get married to a man handpicked by her parents because again at the age of 23, according to them, it was unacceptable to be single and studying at university.
“That marriage was again a struggle,” recalls Salma. “However, I started saving money and researching for something based on my interest. Thankfully I found a programme and paid for it by myself. That is when I asked my husband for a year out of my life to do something for myself. He didn’t allow it and threatened to divorce me. However that is when I decided to take a stand and went forward with the course. Halfway through my course I got back in town and took khula.”
Meanwhile, people started appreciating and acknowledging her work and she completed her course and began doing TV shows on interior designing. “Eventually, I was proposed to by a foreigner and I married him,” Salma shares. “Again this was met with immense opposition from my family because it was an interfaith marriage. However, I took a stand and got married. Presently, I have a career, family and most importantly I am happy with all that I have.”
Salma has a message for people, an essence of what she has learnt from her life. "I want to tell people: don’t be the person who, at 70, sits in a rocking chair thinking, 'What if I had done this or that?' You only live once. Go after what you want, learn to say no when necessary, and live life on your own terms. So what if you're different? Be yourself — everyone else is already taken."
Breaking barriers in medicine and marriage
*Jahanara Tayyab, a 25 year-old doctor belongs to a Memon family where everyone is into businesses and people hardly study science. She always wanted to be a doctor and had to convince everyone to understand how much she wanted to become one. “No one among my relatives is a doctor yet I became one,” she says. “They were constantly worried about me getting married and got me engaged outside my community which was also the first time a girl was marrying someone outside the community. I have always been someone who has done things differently from everyone else in my family and it has taken a lot of effort from me to convince them that I am not doing anything sinful or inappropriate. However, today I am happy and very much content with all I have achieved.”
It is truly disheartening and even devastating when one is asked to pursue a career that one has little interest in. Professions such as film making, acting, and even horticulture are not looked upon favourably. Sadly, this type of bias essentially exists in our part of the world. A woman marrying a younger man; interfaith marriages or pursuing an unusual career are all considered unacceptable.
Laughter is the best medicine
Dara Khan* a renowned comedian convinced his parents to let him pursue a career in medicine while performing stand-up comedy on the side. His family was supportive, but his peers weren’t so. Some of his more judgmental doctors and medical-student friends teased him and made fun of him.
“Those people are now mostly the ones calling me for an autograph for their niece or friend or asking for free tickets to a show so I guess the jokes on them! “ Dara says.
Societal mores and accepted traditions, and rituals often prevent us from living an existence in which we truly explore to our full potential our own truths and essence.
Life can be much simpler when it is wholly crafted by you. When you stop trying to be all things to all people, you will perform your finest, most impactful and satisfying work. When you give your greatest from a place of soulful abundance you will discover how much more you are able to offer. In addition this also allows you to offer others an opportunity to do their best as well.
When you respect who you are and who you’re not then you honour and accept others for who they are.
The key is to be yourself. Always.
*Names changed to protect privacy
Natasha Khalid is a doctor and a freelance contributor
All facts and information are the sole responsibility of the writer