Four Hollywood remakes no one asked for I

Hollywood’s obsession with remakes has surely had its highs and lows, sometimes churning out reboots of classics faster than a microwave can nuke your leftover pizza. But are these cinematic regurgitations something we actually wanted or just another desperate cash grab from Tinseltown’s glittery landfill? Let’s dive into the murky waters of film remakes no one asked for, and why they keep coming back to haunt our screens like a bad sequel.

Robocop

First on the chopping block is the Robocop remake. The 1987 original by Dutch auteur Paul Verhoeven was a perfect blend of gritty action and sharp satire, a true cult classic that marked a paradigm shift with a cult following. Fast forward to 2014, and we get a neutered, sanitised version that feels more like a robotic attempt to cash in on nostalgia than an homage to its predecessor.

The new Robocop was shinier, sure, but it lacked the heart, humour and raw meditations on politics, masculinity and death that made the original a standout. Did anyone actually ask for a PG-13 Robocop? The answer is a resounding no.

Overboard

Comedies aren’t safe from the remake machine either. Remember Overboard? The 1987 romantic comedy starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell was a delightful romp with genuine chemistry. The 2018 gender-swapped version, starring Anna Faris and Eugenio Derbez, fell flat with forced humour and zero charm. It’s a reminder that some stories are a product of their time and don’t always translate well to a new era.

Psycho

Speaking of cringe-worthy attempts to ‘modernise’ a classic — as if — Psycho (1998) is a must-have on this tragic list. Gus Van Sant’s shot-for-shot remake of Hitchcock’s 1960 masterpiece was an exercise in futility. Why mess with perfection? This high-budget student project lacked the soul and tension of the original.

Anne Heche and Vince Vaughn couldn’t hold a candle to Janet Leigh and Anthony Perkins, and the awkward additions only made things worse. The colourisation stripped away Hitchcock’s stark, haunting atmosphere, further proving some classics should be left untouched.

Suspiria

Then we have Suspiria (2018), a remake of Dario Argento’s 1977 horror masterpiece. The original was a kaleidoscopic nightmare, dripping with vibrant colours and surreal imagery — not to mention the cracking soundtrack by the Italin band Goblin. The remake, directed by Luca Guadagnino, aimed for a more sombre and introspective tone.

While it had its moments of passable artistic flair, it lacked the vivid, nightmarish quality that made the original so unforgettable. A better way to honour its predecessor would have been to not follow it up with an overlong art-house project that missed the mark.

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