The famous English philosopher and political theorist, John Locke contended that at birth, children were blank slates [tabula rasa] and what they became [later in life] was dependent on their learning and experience. Hence, what a child transforms into as an adult is solely dependent on what he has been taught from day one in his house or what he experiences. However, there are several theories and ideas that revolve around child development and how childhood experiences impact people as grown-ups or when they step into parenthood.
“I think what I have absorbed and experienced as a child has shaped my idea of parenthood,” shares Muhammad Hamza Khan, an IT professional, who clearly remembers how his father quickly lost his temper if any of Hamza’s siblings would question him or do anything that he disliked. “For a very long time I believed that is the right way because in our families almost everyone of age have been whacked or slapped by their parents for one thing or the other.”
Hamza admits having been hit with hangers, wipers, leather belts, bats and what not, but at the time it seemed perfectly legit to his parents that it was the only way to discipline four brothers.
Having researched child psychology a great deal, Hamza often evaluates his behaviour, and many a times has experienced flashbacks and even nightmares to do with his childhood trauma where his father is beating him up over doing something wrong.
According to Sigmund Freud’s theories and child psychology, there are five stages in childhood when a child starts learning or adapting at different levels or starts writing on his blank slate as per Locke. The first stage known as the oral stage is when the child develops attachment to his mother. “At this stage a child learns his needs and finds it being fulfilled as he suckles milk from his mother,” says clinical psychologist Syeda Masooma Zehra.
“Even this early, he develops a relation of trust and bonding with his mother. Children who have not developed this attachment in the initial stage of life develop mistrust and their personality starts to develop from this negative perspective.”
Explaining the other stages and how each step is crucial for personality and development, Dr Zehra says that the second stage is the anal stage where children are potty trained and develop their understanding of cleanliness and tidiness. “Children who aren’t trained well have a weak concept of cleanliness,” she explains. “Similarly, forcing them in learning and development of cleanliness and hygiene concepts could lead to OCD.”
In the third stage known as the Felix stage, which caters children from 3-6 years of age, children identify their genders and also learn behaviours around colours, toys, and other aspects. “This is the stage where daughters are more attached to fathers and sons are inclined towards their mothers,” explains Zehra, pointing out that too much emphasis on gender-specific behaviour and ideas such as ‘boys don’t cry’ and ‘girls wear only pink’ can lead to a confusion and disorientation about their understanding of gender.
Next follows the latency period where children explore the outer world and learn new things. Here the important role of parenting again comes into play. If parents are over protective, the child is unable to connect to the world and often stays disconnected. Completely left to follow his own ways, the child can become unruly. “The matter here gets tricky when parents hit their children when they refuse to listen to them,” says Zehra. “The physical abuse leaves a lasting image in their minds.”
The last stage is between 18-60 years of age and is known as the genital age. “In this stage, if your parents have kept you locked in the house, physically abuse you but tell you that they love you, it becomes confusing for the child as he cannot comprehend this language of love. They develop an understanding that beating and thrashing children is correct until they are told otherwise and get exposure to or learn new ways of parenting.”
Zehra points out that this is the age where children learn to express themselves and if their parents show that beating them is an expression of love, this twisted perspective gets written on their slate.
After all these stages when children begin to live their lives and use what they have learnt and experienced in their childhood, several factors come into place. An adult who has been raised through physical trauma or a slapping culture from both or one of their parents and if they have no exposure to gentler parenting, he is very likely to repeat the same cycle with his kids. “If they aren’t treated the right way, there is high chance they have same approach towards their kids until they come across a different environment through exposure to friends, workplace and mentors who teach you the other way and they can adapt their way of harsh parenting with their child,” says Zehra.
She elaborates on how in adulthood, by interacting with people, one can learn and unlearn behaviour patterns and realise that there are other ways to raise children as well.
But adults who have faced physical and mental abuse in their childhood often have traumatic relationships as their childhood behaviour is reflected in how they deal with people and partners.
“If there has been abuse and violence for self, a sibling or parent in someone’s childhood, it will reflect in this person’s relationship with his child and his partner,” says Dr Zehra.
The basic understanding is nature versus nurture — nature is taught by parents and nurture is what you learn from environment. What you learn from parents is repeated in life in different ways. It is seen that presently parents in their early 30s are learning better parenting through several avenues and mediums.
“They treat their children better than they were treated, because when you go around and talk to people, you discover that there has been a culture of slapping and hitting children for generations,” Zehra sums up. “Our parents were thrashed more than us by their parents and their parents were slapped more from theirs, but it is gradually becoming lesser now.”
Unlike Hamza, Umama Saleem has studied and understood the style of parenting she grew up with and has totally changed the game with her 3-year-old. “With my child, I have decided to do the opposite of what I went through,” says Saleem. “I lacked emotional support but with my child my approach is gentle. My husband who was raised on gentle parenting is a prime example in front of me which is helping us raise our child in a safe and open environment.”
Saleem is an electrical engineer and her traumatic childhood has left marks on her personality. She shares how she still has not overcome the trauma of some childhood incidents. “I think the coping mechanism for children is very different and it can be long lasting as well.”
Saleem recalls that her mother had three children while her grandmother had 11, hence the slapping children around at the slightest irritation came easy through the fatigue and frustration of a mother of having to taking care of so many children and chores.
“Maybe my mother tried to implement on us what she learnt from her mother but somewhere the cycle has to stop,” says Saleem. “Each child trusts and confides in the mother to begin with and this confidence should remain a safe place for all children. But for Sharmin* it was different.
She was only six when she an older cousin hit her with a cricket bat for not wanting to go to the madrassa. Her thighs became swollen and bruised after being beaten with a bat. Her parents were not home and her cousin had tied her hands up and dragged her to the madrassa. She only shared this with her mother when she was 16 years old. Surprisingly, even then her mother felt no sympathy for her.
“This is why children fear telling such incidents to their parents because they know they will be reprimanded instead of being sympathised with.
Yelling, hitting, or spanking kids might seem to work in the moment, but research shows it doesn't help them learn positive behaviour in the long run. In fact, physical punishment can actually make kids more aggressive and less likely to listen. There are much better ways to teach kids right from wrong, like positive reinforcement (praising good behaviour) and taking away privileges such as, treats, screen time or toys for bad behaviour.
The famous English philosopher and political theorist, John Locke contended that at birth, children were blank slates [tabula rasa] and what they became [later in life] was dependent on their learning and experience. Hence, what a child transforms into as an adult is solely dependent on what he has been taught from day one in his house or what he experiences. However, there are several theories and ideas that revolve around child development and how childhood experiences impact people as grown-ups or when they step into parenthood.
“I think what I have absorbed and experienced as a child has shaped my idea of parenthood,” shares Muhammad Hamza Khan, an IT professional, who clearly remembers how his father quickly lost his temper if any of Hamza’s siblings would question him or do anything that he disliked. “For a very long time I believed that is the right way because in our families almost everyone of age have been whacked or slapped by their parents for one thing or the other.”
Hamza admits having been hit with hangers, wipers, leather belts, bats and what not, but at the time it seemed perfectly legit to his parents that it was the only way to discipline four brothers.
Having researched child psychology a great deal, Hamza often evaluates his behaviour, and many a times has experienced flashbacks and even nightmares to do with his childhood trauma where his father is beating him up over doing something wrong.
According to Sigmund Freud’s theories and child psychology, there are five stages in childhood when a child starts learning or adapting at different levels or starts writing on his blank slate as per Locke. The first stage known as the oral stage is when the child develops attachment to his mother. “At this stage a child learns his needs and finds it being fulfilled as he suckles milk from his mother,” says clinical psychologist Syeda Masooma Zehra.
“Even this early, he develops a relation of trust and bonding with his mother. Children who have not developed this attachment in the initial stage of life develop mistrust and their personality starts to develop from this negative perspective.”
Explaining the other stages and how each step is crucial for personality and development, Dr Zehra says that the second stage is the anal stage where children are potty trained and develop their understanding of cleanliness and tidiness. “Children who aren’t trained well have a weak concept of cleanliness,” she explains. “Similarly, forcing them in learning and development of cleanliness and hygiene concepts could lead to OCD.”
In the third stage known as the Felix stage, which caters children from 3-6 years of age, children identify their genders and also learn behaviours around colours, toys, and other aspects. “This is the stage where daughters are more attached to fathers and sons are inclined towards their mothers,” explains Zehra, pointing out that too much emphasis on gender-specific behaviour and ideas such as ‘boys don’t cry’ and ‘girls wear only pink’ can lead to a confusion and disorientation about their understanding of gender.
Next follows the latency period where children explore the outer world and learn new things. Here the important role of parenting again comes into play. If parents are over protective, the child is unable to connect to the world and often stays disconnected. Completely left to follow his own ways, the child can become unruly. “The matter here gets tricky when parents hit their children when they refuse to listen to them,” says Zehra. “The physical abuse leaves a lasting image in their minds.”
The last stage is between 18-60 years of age and is known as the genital age. “In this stage, if your parents have kept you locked in the house, physically abuse you but tell you that they love you, it becomes confusing for the child as he cannot comprehend this language of love. They develop an understanding that beating and thrashing children is correct until they are told otherwise and get exposure to or learn new ways of parenting.”
Zehra points out that this is the age where children learn to express themselves and if their parents show that beating them is an expression of love, this twisted perspective gets written on their slate.
After all these stages when children begin to live their lives and use what they have learnt and experienced in their childhood, several factors come into place. An adult who has been raised through physical trauma or a slapping culture from both or one of their parents and if they have no exposure to gentler parenting, he is very likely to repeat the same cycle with his kids. “If they aren’t treated the right way, there is high chance they have same approach towards their kids until they come across a different environment through exposure to friends, workplace and mentors who teach you the other way and they can adapt their way of harsh parenting with their child,” says Zehra.
She elaborates on how in adulthood, by interacting with people, one can learn and unlearn behaviour patterns and realise that there are other ways to raise children as well.
But adults who have faced physical and mental abuse in their childhood often have traumatic relationships as their childhood behaviour is reflected in how they deal with people and partners.
“If there has been abuse and violence for self, a sibling or parent in someone’s childhood, it will reflect in this person’s relationship with his child and his partner,” says Dr Zehra.
The basic understanding is nature versus nurture — nature is taught by parents and nurture is what you learn from environment. What you learn from parents is repeated in life in different ways. It is seen that presently parents in their early 30s are learning better parenting through several avenues and mediums.
“They treat their children better than they were treated, because when you go around and talk to people, you discover that there has been a culture of slapping and hitting children for generations,” Zehra sums up. “Our parents were thrashed more than us by their parents and their parents were slapped more from theirs, but it is gradually becoming lesser now.”
Unlike Hamza, Umama Saleem has studied and understood the style of parenting she grew up with and has totally changed the game with her 3-year-old. “With my child, I have decided to do the opposite of what I went through,” says Saleem. “I lacked emotional support but with my child my approach is gentle. My husband who was raised on gentle parenting is a prime example in front of me which is helping us raise our child in a safe and open environment.”
Saleem is an electrical engineer and her traumatic childhood has left marks on her personality. She shares how she still has not overcome the trauma of some childhood incidents. “I think the coping mechanism for children is very different and it can be long lasting as well.”
Saleem recalls that her mother had three children while her grandmother had 11, hence the slapping children around at the slightest irritation came easy through the fatigue and frustration of a mother of having to taking care of so many children and chores.
“Maybe my mother tried to implement on us what she learnt from her mother but somewhere the cycle has to stop,” says Saleem. “Each child trusts and confides in the mother to begin with and this confidence should remain a safe place for all children. But for Sharmin* it was different.
She was only six when she an older cousin hit her with a cricket bat for not wanting to go to the madrassa. Her thighs became swollen and bruised after being beaten with a bat. Her parents were not home and her cousin had tied her hands up and dragged her to the madrassa. She only shared this with her mother when she was 16 years old. Surprisingly, even then her mother felt no sympathy for her.
“This is why children fear telling such incidents to their parents because they know they will be reprimanded instead of being sympathised with.
Yelling, hitting, or spanking kids might seem to work in the moment, but research shows it doesn't help them learn positive behaviour in the long run. In fact, physical punishment can actually make kids more aggressive and less likely to listen. There are much better ways to teach kids right from wrong, like positive reinforcement (praising good behaviour) and taking away privileges such as, treats, screen time or toys for bad behaviour.