Dowry: a trade in which the essence of marriage is lost

Before the flagbearers of masculism jump to conclusions on the basis of the title and try to defend the deplorable tradition of dowry by mentioning the presence in our society of equally disgraceful customs such as bride wealth for the bride’s family or looking for suitors who earn in six figures or more, let us all be clear that two wrongs don’t make a right. Demanding of huge sums of money by either side is equally despicable, so let’s just focus on what causes over 2,000 reported deaths per year in Pakistan alone.

A 2014 Gallup survey’s findings suggest that 84% of Pakistanis believe that dowry plays a crucial role in marriage and 69% believe it to be impossible to get a girl married without a dowry. It has unfortunately and wrongly become a part of our religious belief system that compels parents to save a major chunk of their earnings all their lives or sell off properties or become indebted so as to marry off their daughters to ‘respectable’ households.

Though our country has seen a rise in awareness regarding dowry and the pressure it mounts on the shoulders of brides’ families, it is still expected from a bride to bring some kind of dowry with her to a marriage, let it be in the form of clothes for her in-laws, or gold for her mother- and sisters-in-law, or car for the groom, or bedroom furniture for her new room, or all of that along with electrical appliances for the whole family to use.

Theoretically, the control of what or what not, or altogether if or if not, to gift in the form of dowry belongs to the bride and her parents, the de facto charge, however, lies with the husband and in-laws, who unethically and unlawfully exploit the situation to extort large dowries. From “we don’t need anything, just our daughter in a pair of clothes” to “all parents give things to their daughters out of their own happiness”, this is the transition which all parents fear for their girls.

While some newly-wed girls are burdened with the pressure to bring more and more from their parents’ houses, others are emotionally traumatised for not bringing anything, as that apparently shows how unhappy her parents were or how they don’t trust her in-laws when it comes to using her stuff. When given the rationale that this is nothing but a vile practice of our ancestors, they give you the best argument they have: “This is a part of our tradition”.

Yes, indeed it is a terrible tradition. It is not all about beating and stoveburning women or mentally torturing them, it is about hundreds and thousands of girls who are unable to find partners because of belonging to poor backgrounds. Not all people can afford to give gifts worth millions to people who are, in the first place, supposed to take care of their daughter.

Why don’t we as a society pledge not to crow about taking dowries and, instead, take pride in not taking any? Why can we not feel ashamed for rooms decorated with our own furniture and porches parked in with cars bought from our own money? What significance is left of mahr or one’s own pay when one is still expecting the bride to bring along everything from basic to fancy? Why take pride on birth of sons and yearn for more and more boys when years later you end up exploiting their existence by metaphorically scrounging material things from the ones who did not rear one?

As per Dowry and Bridal Gifts (Restriction) Act of 1976, the aggregate value of dowry and bridal gifts given to the bride and her in-laws cannot exceed the value of Rs5,000. Yes, you read that right! According to this law, almost all in-laws in Pakistan should be behind the bars. Then why not just declare the whole country a prison and let our girls find their own freedom?

If girl child is as big a social menace as dowry, then why kill our daughters when we can actually bring an end to the real menace called dowry and give our sons and daughters a much more honourable and secure future, respectively?

Begging surely has different names, but enforced generosity does not.