Welcome to minoristan

You know if you ask me, this whole thing about minorities is getting a little old. Every time there’s a genocidal event all these wishy-washy condemnations and disgustingly lukewarm apologies saying “Today I too am a minority” are spewed out through the media megalopolis via countless talking faces representing all leading political factions as they build up a cacophonic opera of disharmony on mediums ranging from press conferences to Twitter outbursts .

The way I see it, the issue of majority and minority goes way back into bowels of history. But the problem started when the “Western Imperialists” brought with them all these ideologues about liberalism, and equality, and all that contradictory nonsense. See the way we used to do things before all that was simpler and much more effective. Back then, it was the minority that ruled over the oppressed Majority with pomp and glamour, proudly displaying their superior culture, civilisation and all that.

Even back in the day when the Dravidians used to inhabit these soils, it was the fair skinned Aryan minority who came from up north to force the darker skinned natives into submission. Therein lie the origins of the caste system, right from the unreachable heights of minority to the untouchable depths of majority. When Islam graced these fair parts, it was not only the oppressed minorities who were the first to embrace this new way of life, it was in fact minorities who ruled over the entire kingdom of Hindustan in the subsequent Mughal Empire.

Up to this point minority rule was a way of doing things which had worked for centuries. It’s when those darned Britishers came to rule over the “Subcontinent” as yet another minority when they infected our mentalities with high-flung morals like equal rights and all. Sure, we were all equal under the Imperial Sun, but we didn’t buy any of that I tell you! Because deep down inside we knew that it was all crap. When the British were packing up to leave, we realised that the tables had turned, in a democratic state being a minority was the worst thing possible. So we decided to make a last ditch effort to win ourselves Pakistan, a land where Muslims would be the be-all Majority, and end-all Authority.

Look, our ancestors got us the right and privilege of majority with great sacrifices of blood and sweat. It’s called the land of the pure for a reason, why should we tolerate any particulate minor impurities? Instead of witnessing occasional small genocidal flare-ups, and then having an identity crises over it, we should just own up to the fact that this country is designed for a Muslim Majority rule. Hell, we even got rid of the Bengali Majority to become the only Majority, so we should go ahead and put an end to the whole minority question once and for all.

Of course minorities should have realised by now that life pretty much sucks for them here. So here’s my three-step solution to do things the right way. First step, let’s send out nice letters to all minority groups scattered over the country to come under the fold of Majority Islam, that way everyone will be a Majority, and everyone will be Muslim. Second step, minorities who refuse our gracious request have two options: either they can relocate themselves to countries which are more tolerant of minority existences, or they can stay here and fight like our ancestors for a free and separate Minoristan (it goes without saying they won’t get it). Since that’ll be another territorial dispute, we should observe a certain grace period, and let the minorities leave quietly before the final step kicks in. Third step, we systematically eradicate all remaining minorities so we have the ultimate Majority Muslim country where everyone is happy, and no one is a minority.

Published in the Express Tribune, June 20^th, 2010.