Goat-Spy Letters — IX

Pillion-riding is symbolic of a sexual freedom widely indulged in by the citizens which gives rise to bloody violence.

In which Jassasa studies a spluttering leitmotif and learns how sexual freedom is linked to urban violence and has it roots in British military culture

Pssst Master,

I have got it! I have discovered the leitmotif of violence that has plagued this city. I now know how it is turned on and off. Guess what, it is linked to sexual freedom. Ban it and you put a lid on violence; allow it, and you have your hands red with gore. The authorities would have stamped out violence from the city ages ago, but it is not easy policing a citizenry addicted to sexual freedom, and bent upon reclaiming it the moment it is lost.

Here, Master, is the story of how my continued studies in cultural symbolism led me to this important discovery, although I narrate it with the tepid joy of the one who knows he shares it with others: The law enforcement authorities are surely in the know. Once the history of urban violence is written, mine will be only the distinction to be the first one who put it on public record.

In the daily chronicles dispatched to Master, he would have come upon the term ‘pillion-riding’. Master would have noticed that the moment there was an increase in violence, pillion-riding was the first thing the authorities banned. Master might have wondered why the ban always came into effect at midnight and was lifted at midnight. Master would have read about people protesting the ban and describing pillion-riding as a ‘fundamental human right’. He would have read how the news of the ban being lifted was ‘met with a wave of pleasure. Phones buzzed as text messages spread the word...’

Clearly, there was a nocturnal significance to the activity. But what?

Manifestly, it is a fundamental right. But why?

Undeniably, the citizenry longs for it. And how!

Many a long hour did I spend pondering these questions. I tried to come up with a comprehensive theory that could satisfactorily link all the dots, but failed.

Finally, I came upon a news item in the wonderful newspaper that acts as the glass bottle to bring my dispatches to Master on the far off isle. The very headline, "Two is Not a Crowd", gave me a strange feeling of hope. And by the time I had read it to the end, I was convinced that the Master Theory that had eluded me so far lay supine before me. It is a big ticket item, involving the demos, the British Army culture and unnatural sex.

All the flicker of doubts in my mind was quashed when I checked the history of pillion-riding on Wikipedia, and learned that “During the Second World War, the British Army introduced a requirement, requiring all officers up to the rank of colonel to be proficient in the use of the motorcycle, and all officers holding the rank of brigadier were required to be able to ride pillion”. Those who wish to check the slang usage it has attracted in the US and Scandinavia should consult the Wikipedia entry for pillion-riding.

Now, in an act of public service I would like to state my Master Theory in plain language without using technical jargon: Pillion-riding, that motorised embrace of the bipeds, is symbolic of a sexual freedom widely indulged in by the citizens which, being unnatural, gives rise to bloody violence. The only way to check it is to strike at the symbol by banning its public display, which returns the city to normalcy. But considering the numbers of people who demand this freedom, no democratic government can wholly take it away.

At the same time, the government cannot risk offending those who frown upon it. There are great numbers of them too. Therefore, while lifting the ban on pillion-riding, a couple of days ago, the government banned the use of firecrackers.

Maintaining public order and ensuring peace is a government's prime duty and in this balancing act the officers of the land have forcefully spoken and their message is this: You can ride pillion in plain sight and we wish you all the joy of it, but at least be considerate of other's sensitivities: Don't rub it in their faces by setting off firecrackers in celebration.

Finally at ease,

Jassasa

Published in The Express Tribune, July 20^th, 2011.