Pakistan

Double standards

Saleha Riaz June 13, 2010

Has anyone noticed how double standards prevail literally everywhere in our society?

Take for example boys from conservative families who go abroad to “study” - they party their hearts out, are deemed players by all their friends, drink, smoke, smoke up, generally livin' la vidaloca. And then come back and let their parents pick a girl for them and settle down into a decent job with a wife who usually has no idea what they were up to in their past. And all their friends are bewildered as to what happened to them. What brought about this big change? Often,this is not a sudden transformation. It is the plan from the start.

"I think it’s a silly form of rebellion, not teenage angst but deliberate hypocrisy,” says a colleague who has seen many of her friends do this. “They are completely different people when they are abroad versus when they are in Pakistan”. But another friend sympathises with them.

“Don’t blame them. Blame the society which has created such a stifling environment that they feel they have no choice left but to live it up for a few years before returning to Pakistan and doing what is expected of good Pakistani boys.” She feels that it is best they get the partying out of their system so that they don’t have any regrets later and are left with a sense of ‘been there done that’.

Some say this phenomenon is more noticeable among boys because girls are worried a tainted reputation could mean the end of rishta possibilities. After all we come “from one of the most dangerous places on earth, a land where women didn’t matter,” right? (The tagline from the new Bhutto movie, don’t even get me started.) But it’s not that they don’t do it, it’s just that because men can get away with more, women have to hide it better.

Published in the Express Tribune, June 14^th, 2010.

COMMENTS (13)

ali furqan | 13 years ago | Reply I think the author should show objectivity in her article, i personally feel that She presented one side picture.it is better that before write this article aouther should study islamic lecture.

Saleha Riaz | 13 years ago | Reply nojeba, totally agree with u esp the last couple of lines. everyone else, thank u for feedback and criticism. much appreciated :)

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Naqvi | 13 years ago | Reply @ Nojeba, With all due respect If you think in this day and age, Girls who haven't even been abroad aren't exposed to parties, then I'm sorry you're pretty naive. And as for the "Guy going out with 5 girls, but a girl cant go out with 5 boys thing", then you're right. Our society does have double standards. But then again, our society is made up of as much of men as of women (Women are probably more, since the male female ratio). Blame both of them. And as for the "seedhi Pakistani girl" concept. then I've witnessed many girls who've had their share of fun and end up marrying a seriously shareef guy. A guy who has spent his entire life, scoring A's, choosing studies over parties just to secure his future. And what does the girl do? Woo him for a while, hook up (and girls know how gullible they are), get married and lead a happy life. The boy doesn't even know their past My only notion is that the pendulum swings both ways. Our society does have double standards but actively targeting boys as an example for double standards is uncalled for. Otherwise, I can give you another example pertaining to the corporate market, in which women are getting greater employment offers, very rarely on merit but on their looks and ability to entice as opposed to boys and we all know why. In reality the society of today offers some undue benefits to women and some to men. So get over it and figure out a way past this WITHOUT compromising on ones principles.

Nojeba | 13 years ago | Reply @ Naqvi The point is not that boys go and party abroad and girls dont. The point is our society has double standards. If a boy is seen out with 5 girls our society is okay with it. But if a girl is seen out with 5 boys even if they are just her friends, she will be termed in our society as " an outgoing" girl. And its very true. Most boys who study abroad dont want to get married there. They want to come back to Pakistan and marry a girl who their mom chooses, a girl sho hasnt studied abroad and who hasnt been exposed to parties, etc. Whats surprising is, these very same boys have partied there, been out with girls there but when they want to settle down they want a " seedhi, Pakistani girl." Hypocrisy isnt it?

Naqvi | 13 years ago | Reply Is this even a serious topic? I mean talk about having double standards on talking about double standards. Boys from decent families go abroad and party drink etc. What about girls who go abroad.Aren't they from decent families? The first difference we see in them is the uniquely sudden change in wardrobe (Yes from kurtas to skirts, and not long ones either). Secondly in this era of oh so equality, girls do the same amount of partying as boys, doing drugs, getting wasted. And don't even get me started on hooking up (Boys generally have less luck in hooking up as compared to girls). And as for the girls who stay in Pakistan, the author so eloquently wrote "boys party from abroad, come back and settle with a decent wife who generally has no idea about the boy's past". What about the girls past? What men and women do openly when they're abroad, in Pakistan women generally do it way beneath the radar (pertaining to women as since this society is generally "believed" to be a male oriented society, men do it fairly openly) but they do it. As the saying goes "A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets". Wonder where that came from (sarcasm intended) So at the end, I would recommend the author to include a little (not much) but just a little bit of objectivity rather than just waiving allegations, and show her true potential. That shes not just another pretty face.

samia.k | 13 years ago | Reply well im eye witness to a bunch gone on training abroad. They showed off their islamic spirit of preaching. And went to night club to see women dancing. I wonder if its hypocrisy or low class fantasy world.. I think our system is built on low mentality and nothing else, our system introduces low morality as acceptable. Its nothing to do with religion or culture. I feel bad for the open misconduct of our people, may they be women, men, rich, poor.

Sharif lone | 13 years ago | Reply Al: i see where you are coming from, but you misunderstood my statement on purpose. This article is about how boys can get away with it, but when it comes to girls we use different standards. I put my thoughts to encourage more rights to women. This bit about immoral acts is something you have to tell those men. If you think men can carry on and when it comes to women we should talk about morals, then you are so wrong. Freedom means the freedom to decide your way of life. If anybody decides to have fun, it should not be at the cost of those who trust you, like your wives. How are you going to restrict men from doing what they are doing? SA is a democratic country and does not forbid extra marriage sex. Those who lie and pretend they are not married are the real culprits. I am not encouraging any person to do that. Yes, if married women were behaving that way and betraying their husbands, i would use similar language.

TL | 13 years ago | Reply "Take for example boys from conservative families who go abroad..." Saleha, not all boys from conservative families do this. On the contrary, not all girls don't do this. Though, I agree the percentage of men doing this is greater than women. Also, guys do it openly and girls don't. But I agree with your topic. Double standards do exist. We live in a society of hypocrites!

Al | 13 years ago | Reply @Sharif Lone: Do you think "having a good time with promiscuous African and other women" is a 'right' enjoyed by men & then you suggest that "WE need to give more rights to women". So instead of trying to reform society & restrict men from indulging in these immoral acts you want women to enjoy these same 'rights' & be allowed to act promiscuously & sleep around. Good Logic.

Naheed | 13 years ago | Reply This illness needs to be highlighted again and again. As a nation, hypocrisy and double standards resides in our soul, runs in our blood. Keep it up Saleha

Sharif lone | 13 years ago | Reply This boy bit is an old hat. In our society, which models itself on religion, boys have more rights. Women, on the contrary are kept under control', at least in 97% of the cases. I met many pakistanis living in South Africa, who are having a good time with promiscuous African and other women, leaving their wives back home under the supervision of mother-in laws. Such hypocrisy.WE need to give more rights to women, the right to move around freely and make their own decisions.

Ammar Zafarullah | 13 years ago | Reply Well Written Saleha! This dual morality is deeply rooted, so it would be o.k to send your son abroad and pay for his collage and “expenses” and yet forbid the daughter even if she was granted a all-expense paid scholarship. ( and this is not hypothetical!)

Syed Nadir El Edroos | 13 years ago | Reply How does the saying go, Women have to work 10 times as hard, to achieve a tenth of what men achieve. Sadly, our overly misogynistic society still treats women like cattle. Like yesterday's report about the PM's son in law, who has filed a petition in the courts, demanding that the court order his wife (who has separated from him) to perform her conjugal obligations! Nauseating! I wonder how things would have gone if the roles were reversed!

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