10 things I hate about certain aunties

Information Inc. aunty runs the real information bureau of the city, competent enough to put the ISI to shame.

1.    Recommendations Inc. aunty: “Beta, why don’t you wear brighter colours, pastel shades are for older people”, “Try fair and lovely- it does wonders for the Pakistani army, tum tou phir bhi haseen ho” and lastly, “You should really go gyming more often beta, dekho zara” (points at tummy).

2.   Information Inc. aunty: This aunty runs the real information bureau of the city which is competent enough to put the ISI to shame. She has an uncanny ability of knowing who is studying where, doing what, doing who, marrying (or not) who, vacationing where, dining where or hiring who. She will also make sure your family knows your whereabouts, just in case they missed it.

3.    Marriage Inc. aunty: This particular aunty usually has a son nearing mid-20s and will be eyeing teenage girls for wedlock. The showrooms that best serve the purpose are shaadis, darses, milaads, daawats and saalgiras though sometimes even a trip to the grocery store can prove to be useful. Are you a mother with an eager son? You have exclusive rights to a shameless stare.

4.    Mehangai inspection aunty: Every transaction made at the fruit/doodh/murghi wala will be coupled with an argument with the trader as she badgers him for being solely responsible for the mehengai that has struck the nation. The same aunty will buy exorbitantly-priced lawn from Gul Ahmed hardly an hour after its launch. But then who are we to compare food with fashion?

5.    Don’t-call-me-aunty aunty: She is obsessed with being called something in specific like Mami or Khala or Chaachi since aunty sounds like a vague term that only implies an age difference.

6.    Why-don’t-you-meet-me aunty: She is fixated on reprimanding those who don’t come visit them often. “Tum milti nahi ho!” is the first thing she will say when she spots you hiding behind a detergent rack in the department store. She will then leave with a vague invitation to her place which will sound like “Chalo, aana kabhi”.

7.    The Yo-auntie: This one right here wants to be in on everything-cool. She has children under the ages of 12 and in order to understand her kids better she becomes one of them, quite literally. She can often be spotted playing musical chairs and wearing her hair in a sky-high pony tail.

8.    Tell-me-more aunty: Every conversation with her will culminate into a Q & A session. Where you’re working and how much you’re being paid — it’s all in the job description of being the interviewee (read you). She is also best friends with aunty #2 so make sure you’re awake during the rendezvous.

9.    Protective aunty: Some aunties think that this world is one big dragon plant which will snap at her children the moment they step out of their humble adobes. She will call you to ask whether you are going to the field trip too or if your parents are making you wear headgear or sending a chaperon along at least. Don’t think too much into it though  ­— “Uhhhh” is a response they’re used to hearing.

10.  Khao-beta aunty: When going to this particularly persistent aunty’s house for dinner, be sure that you skip breakfast, lunch and if possible, last night’s dinner because no matter how much you hog on to the food and simultaneously make sure she is in sight while you’re at it; she will keep refilling your plate. Be nice though, she only means well.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, July 17^th, 2011.