10 things I hate about driving

Published: July 3, 2011
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The number of bumps on the roads of Karachi that can put Fergie’s humps to shame.

The number of bumps on the roads of Karachi that can put Fergie’s humps to shame.

1.     Windscreen patrol. Of course you can wipe my spotless windscreen with your rag and wiper. That is exactly what I meant by my frantic hand movements and violent nodding of the head in the east-west direction as you walked towards my car.

2.     Biker rights. Oh look, it’s green for me but a motorcyclist JUST decided to cross. Biker boy is changing lanes for the umpteenth time and it is my moral duty to let him do it. And the best is when the wife; the half-dozen children, the monthly grocery and the motorcyclist daddy cling onto every bare surface of the motorcycle, making me feel like a home-wrecker every time I honk.

3.     Lane crimes. Oh rickshaw man, why would you drive in the right lane — taking up space enough to prevent anyone from squeezing between you and the next car but also leaving a gap large enough to tease the over-taker in me? And let’s not forget: Hello my name is Ginganti-normous Bus and I randomly feel like keeping to the right lane today! You will listen to me because I can crush you in a jiffy.

4.     The number of bumps on the roads of Karachi that can put Fergie’s humps to shame.

5.     Peer pressure. Once the countdown at your signal hits “9” expect honking from a few dozen cars as a polite indicator to put your gears in place. By the time it shows “4” you better have revved up that engine a few times to prove you share the mob mentality of unbounded-eagerness. And lastly, you must be halfway down the signal by the time it says “1” or else prepare to face the wrath of the mighty honkers.

6.     The squeeze. Driving in Karachi will — by necessity- make your shy car participate in frequent bumper-fests and scooch its way through the tinniest of gullies. Just when you begin to think it is not physically possible for you to make the “squeeze,” bystanders around your car will prove you wrong by exclaiming “buhat jaga hai, buhat jaga hai, nikal jayegi!”

7.     Distracting billboards. Is that an actual dairy milk stuck to a pole with actual men eating it?  Eyes on the road, eyes on the road.

8.     The age-old-caveman prejudice against female drivers. Might this driver be of the fairer sex? Must catch up to check. Must roll down window for a clearer view.

Affirmative. Must overtake.

9.     The case of the chronic over-taker. He will first start by using the infamous “dipper,” casting a blinding reflection in your rear view mirror. This will be followed by a rhythmic honk coupled with a systematic increase in speed. The last touch will be zooming past you to show his rage (from the left, mind you), just when you decide to give him way — making your car wobble like jelly.

10.   Saddar. Enough said.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, July 3rd, 2011.

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Reader Comments (23)

  • Gulraiz
    Jul 3, 2011 - 3:37PM

    Hahahhahhahh.. great one Fatima.. ESP number 5! had me rolling..Recommend

  • Jul 3, 2011 - 3:40PM

    haha …. this is awesome !!! and oh … FIRST!Recommend

  • Tahir
    Jul 3, 2011 - 3:45PM

    Good one! Hilarious and intelligently written.Recommend

  • Happy Man
    Jul 3, 2011 - 3:51PM

    8 is so true :DRecommend

  • Sara
    Jul 3, 2011 - 3:54PM

    its so truee….Reading this article was like reading my own thoughts…. waisy no doubt…. driving in Karachi makes your driving more than perfect…:-D Recommend

  • zabnopabno
    Jul 3, 2011 - 4:00PM

    hahahaha sweet.Recommend

  • Waqas
    Jul 3, 2011 - 4:00PM

    Good one, like your style of writing, humor infused seemlessly into a “phemomina” we are share…Recommend

  • Someone
    Jul 3, 2011 - 4:23PM

    Lol at no. 10 :)Recommend

  • sadia
    Jul 3, 2011 - 5:36PM

    enough of 10 things 10 things. come out of it now please stop this non sense. anybody could gibe his 10 thing about anything..be more productive, hire some good writersRecommend

  • Nadeem Ahmed
    Jul 3, 2011 - 5:49PM

    Very very interesting..Ten out of ten.Recommend

  • Amer
    Jul 3, 2011 - 6:09PM

    Love no.10! So, so, so true! Recommend

  • Funny
    Jul 3, 2011 - 6:29PM

    well said, very entertaining to read! we need more of such writers on ET! Recommend

  • FAZ
    Jul 3, 2011 - 10:03PM

    Hahah good one
    But if u are a male driver, then there are many distracting billboards than a dairy milk add!! And if u are a mini bus driver then its katrina’s fault that u ram into a car!!Recommend

  • FarhanCuban
    Jul 4, 2011 - 1:48AM

    That’s so true! Commendable!Recommend

  • meh
    Jul 4, 2011 - 9:59AM

    meh once again! Failed to make me laugh, as usual trying too hard, btw this should be titled driving in khi. As it doesnt apply to driving in generalRecommend

  • Farrukh
    Jul 4, 2011 - 8:47PM

    Trulyyy well written, these things realy bother us on the road but now it will seem funnyy……lookin forward for more such pieces, keep it up!!Recommend

  • Khawar
    Jul 4, 2011 - 9:05PM

    Reminds me of PG Wodehouse, really made me laugh….hopefully we will see from you more such blend of satire with day to day issues. JK Rowling in the making ;-)Recommend

  • Nabeel
    Jul 4, 2011 - 9:52PM

    Very interesting article and being a karachiite myself i enjoyed reading..keep up the good workRecommend

  • uH
    Jul 5, 2011 - 1:01PM

    @ #8
    Don’t flatter yourself…. best to keep your distance!Recommend

  • Sadie
    Jul 10, 2011 - 1:45PM

    @sadia:
    ok so try writing an article in response to this one if u think u can do it better! m sure u can’t!

    Recommend

  • omair Alam
    Jul 10, 2011 - 3:37PM

    Absolutely brilliant! a real cruise of a read. its always nice to get some perspective from the other side of road rage :) keep it Honking!

    Recommend

  • ibrahim jalali
    Jul 13, 2011 - 2:53AM

    this is so true i mean u caught the essence of road rage, hahaha

    Recommend

  • Batool
    Jul 21, 2011 - 11:30AM

    no. 8 was epic :D

    Recommend

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