All’s fair in love

What do you do when you find your soul mate and he's already married...or you are.

They say all’s fair in love and war. But we know that not to be true. War can never justify rape, torture and killing of civilians even though it happens. People are tried in tribunals for such actions. So in love, where is the line drawn? They say love makes you lose control: you lose perspective and hence do things that may be unfair.  So, if you find your soul mate when you’re already married to someone else and you have an affair, is your affair ‘fair’? Many married people carry on affairs of the heart for long periods of time.

A few years ago, I walked out of a Toronto cinema with my buddy Sandra after watching The English Patient. The Academy Award-winning film has actress Kristin Scott Thomas playing Katharine, the wife of Geoffrey Clifton (Colin Firth), who has an affair with Ralph Fiennes’ character. I could not help feeling confused about ‘true’ love and when Sandra asked what was bothering me, I replied, “It’s the affair thing — she was married and having an affair!” Sandra responded by saying, “Those two truly loved each other and were meant to be together. Had her husband been the right one, the affair would not have happened.” Thus she justified the affair by saying that ‘true’ love could arrive after holy matrimony was in place, and ‘all’s fair in love’. But why do the spouses not break up with their respective hubbies first and allow themselves and their ex to have a real chance at happiness?

So why do people not do the right thing? Is it the fear of society? The fear of losing your children? In our culture, of course, it is more acceptable to stay with your family and carry on the affair instead of breaking the unit. It is also our cultural conditioning which tells us to keep the ‘family’ together even though the truth eventually surfaces. So you are married off and you discover — after three kids — that ‘this is not love’. Along comes Mr Charming; not only do you start dreaming about him, you find that the feeling is mutual. You want to be with your soul mate. Your husband is a nice guy but he’s not ‘the one’. What will people think? It will shatter the family. These are thoughts that go through your mind. What would be fair is that instead of carrying on that affair, you break up with your husband so he too can have a chance to be loved. The kids also deserve the truth and don’t need to carry the burden of guilt.

Let’s examine couples that were meant for each other. The power couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who met on the sets of Mr and Mrs Smith, have undeniable chemistry and had an affair. Later, Pitt did right by divorcing Jennifer Aniston to be with the one he loves.  Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor met on the sets of Cleopatra; Richard Burton was married when he had the affair. He divorced his wife, married Liz Taylor, divorced her and married her again. The marriage may not have worked but the love affair was real.

The tragedy in Pakistan, I’m told, is that most women and men don’t know what falling in love really is. How are we to discover our soul mates when most of us are married off according to our parents’ choice? How tragic is never having been in love? I, who have experienced the emotion, would not exchange the moment for anything.

My friend’s mother’s best friend, a pretty little lady, has been in love with her guy for 40 years. He wasn’t allowed to marry her, so he married and had kids with someone else.  The friend’s aunt never married but still sees him to this day.  Another lady I knew found the love of her life after marriage; he was married too. Neither divorced their spouses, choosing to carry the affair on for years till she died.

My colleague’s mamoo was in love with a lady he wasn’t allowed to marry. He got married to someone else under family pressure, had kids but from time to time meets his true love. The sister, the only one who knows the story, helps set up their meetings because she believes they were meant to be together. How does our society not allow people who love each other to have the right to be together? Doesn’t this type of control cause tragedies and hurt?

Let’s look at extreme cases of ‘all’s fair in love’... like murdering someone in order to be with the one you love. The Mughal prince Jehanghir, despite being super romantic, he failed the ultimate test of love. He let Anarkali, his courtesan and lover die at the hands of his father, encased alive in a wall. When he became emperor, he pursued Mehrunissa, later known as Noor Jehan, who was married to someone else. He sent the husband to war where the poor man was killed, so Jahangir could be with Mehrunissa. Some say it was Jehangir who had the husband killed. Any man or woman who uses murder in the name of love is psychotic. Our culture is obsessed with Heer Ranjha and suicides attributed to love.  They think the ultimate expression of love is suicide. While the West sells love as ‘happily ever after’, South Asian culture promotes suicide as the only way for couples to be together as families, religion, caste, social and economic standing are the enemies of love. But suicide, murder and affairs cannot be justified as fair in love. People with no strength to face reality and fight the system, create scenarios to hide their ineptness. Better to sacrifice in love rather than justify unacceptable behaviour. Now, ‘sacrifice’ in love ... that’s another article to look at.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, June 26^th,  2011.