Changing your inner self

Growing up in the mid-80s was both the best of times and the worst of times. One incident that really affected me at that time and which I got inadvertently connected to was the Women’s Action Forum rally on February 12, 1983. My mother had dropped me to school in the morning, as we had a special history tutorial that day, and promised that she would pick me up later in the afternoon. When it was time to go to home, my father’s driver came instead, which was surprising so I asked him immediately why my mother couldn’t come. The driver looked at me with a bit of a concern on his face, and blurted out that my mother was in jail. Of course, I was taken aback by this piece of news and asked him what had she done? My mother along with many other women, like the fearless and plucky Asma Jahangir, was in jail for protesting against the Hudood Ordinance.

We all know this protest was the watershed when it comes to women’s rights in Pakistan, and for me as well it was a kind of self-awakening. I began to look around me for the first time and realised how patriarchy, misogyny and chauvinism had combined to make the lot of women a difficult one in Pakistan.

It has been now over 25 years since I have been working in the field, and there are some very important lessons worth articulating regarding gender equity. The rights of women cannot be conferred in isolation. It is counterproductive to focus just on women, and expect them to recalibrate society and its perceptions around gender norms. It is equally important to engage with multiple stakeholders and try to change the status quo, whether it is the mother-in-laws, the husbands, the community and the wider public.

The engagement must be carried out within households and families, and must openly discuss the current power dynamics which creates gender biasedness in the family. In my experience, this is not a difficult or awkward conversation, as with greater access to media and information gender roles are being slowly transformed. In a recent community meeting, while speaking to males in the community, we had a very interesting discussion on gender roles. This is particularly obvious amongst younger men, who are beginning to question basic things like the expectation that they have to be the sole bread earners and the demands that masculinity places on them. During the meeting, one young man shared that crying or expressing one’s emotions is seen to be a weakness, which means that being compassionate as a male is looked down upon in society. There is no doubt that educating men is as important as educating women.

The second important aspect refers to social relevance or authenticity. As a young student of development, I came across a very important analogy, the digging of the community well requires speaking to those that are closest to the problem. As activists, we often assume that we have all the answers, and can provide solutions based on our own understanding of the problem. We often fall into the trap of “patriarchy” ourselves, by getting into a telling mode of doing things. Change is a complex process, but it needs to be sustained by creating a comparative advantage or a positive stake for women. To quote a crude example, as soon as a woman begins to contribute to the family income, her husband is less likely to physically abuse her, as it would mean that she won’t be able to earn money that day. In other words, economic change is a realistic and authentic way to bring about change in gender perceptions, however heuristically speaking it must also require buy in from the men and from the women themselves.

In the past five years, I have increasingly come across young women who are quick to denounce feminism and tell me with a look of apology in their eyes that they are not feminists. On the other hand, while speaking recently at a local college on women’s leadership, I was pleased to meet young men who were more proactive in their stance when it came to women’s rights and gender equity.

This trend seems to have wider implications, as only 1 out of 5 women are part of the labour force in Pakistan. One reason behind this could be that women lack sound role models. On the media, all one sees is glorified patriarchy, reticent and victimised females and those shown as working women or financially independent are mostly portrayed as careless, selfish and negligent of household/family duties. Take for example most cooking oil, washing powder and soap ads which inherently showcase gender stereotypes — women are the primary caregivers for the family, cooking food and solely in charge of the household chores.

However, a woman’s role today is so much more and despite challenges, women in Pakistan have time and again broken barriers. Fatima Jinnah is the perfect example of a role model in our history who was the torchbearer of women’s rights, a qualified dentist and had an independent career.

There was a point in time when her brother asked her about marriage and she made a decision to fight alongside Muhammad Ali Jinnah to make Pakistan a reality.

For one, change has to start from the individual and their own commitment to change should be demonstrated in the change we want to see in the world. So let’s set out transforming the selfless and peaceful world we greatly desire by changing our inner self!

Published in The Express Tribune, March 9^th, 2018.

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