Ask Asad: I want to live contently but I face only rejection and disappointment. Please help!

My childhood was not a very happy one and I feel unhappy most of the time

Dear Asad,

I am a 25-year-old man with good education, a stable job, a loving family and all the material comforts of life. But I feel unhappy most of the time and am suicidal.

My childhood was not a happy one. I grew up in a joint family system due to which there were frequent familial conflicts. Growing up, I felt excluded and mocked by the paternal side of my family. At school, I was bullied relentlessly by senior students until I learnt to fight back. I had a very small social circle during college and university and even now I only have a handful of friends whom I meet every now and then. I have never been in a relationship nor do I think any woman would ever accept me or find me attractive. 



I have been having depressing thoughts since my mid-teens and it first adversely affected my grades, now my performance at work and other aspects of my life as well. Over the past year, I have started to become increasingly irritated at trivial things and frequently have outbursts of anger that are at times directed towards family and friends. I have also lost interest in hobbies or activities I once pursued and often have trouble sleeping at night.

I keep myself busy with work and other social activities but at the end of the day, I am back to square one, often having strong urges to commit suicide. I am frequently told by people around me that I am being ungrateful for all the blessings I have and that I should be brave and enjoy life.

I did see a therapist but he only felt that there were no real issues with me. I really want to live a fuller, more content life but the only thing I see is rejection and disappointment.

A troubled guy

 

Dear troubled guy,

Suicidal thoughts can happen when feelings of hopelessness, isolation, or despair become too heavy to bear. It is not always easy to prevent suicidal thoughts. There will be days when you feel life just isn't worth living. You might feel so overwhelmed with pain that suicide seems like the only way to escape from the burden you have been carrying. The most important thing to remember at times like this is that you are not alone and help is available to deal with your feelings. Plenty of people have been able to overcome suicidal thoughts and went on to live meaningful lives. 

Ask Asad: I'm a confident guy but stammer during job interviews. Please help!

Try to let go of the past

It is easier said than done but you should try to let go of the past. Holding on to the unfortunate memories of the past – of your childhood when you were bullied and also had to experience familial conflicts – is going to keep on making you feel sad and bitter, which, in turn, will feed your impulse to commit suicide.

Don't feel guilty or ashamed for your thoughts

You may feel bad about having suicidal thoughts, but this is the last thing you should worry about. Your feelings are perfectly natural. Accept the feelings that you are having. You will find that this way you will be able to move forward much more quickly. If you dwell on your guilt and shame, you will actually be feeling those feelings for longer.

Learn to recognise your warning signs!

Suicidal thoughts don’t simply happen on their own. They are the result of something, such as feeling hopeless, depressed, grieved, or stressed. Learning to recognise which thoughts tend to appear when you feel suicidal can help you deal with them. Common warning signs include:

1.Feeling hopeless or purposeless

2.Feeling angry

3.Increased recklessness

4.Feeling trapped

5.Isolating yourself from others

6.Feeling anxious

7.Sudden changes in your mood

8.Losing interest in things you used to enjoy

9.Change in sleeping habits and/or appetite

10.Feelings of guilt or shame

Stay away from triggers

Sometimes certain people, places or habits can trigger thoughts of despair and suicide. It might be hard to make the connection at first, but start thinking about whether there are patterns that might clue you into potential triggers. Whenever possible, avoid things, people and situations that make you feel sad, hopeless, or stressed.



Note: Unfortunately, it may not be possible to avoid all of your triggers. But you can make a plan for coping with them if you have to face them.

Trust someone with your suicidal thoughts

You can’t and shouldn’t be dealing with this alone. Having a trusted friend or family member is a must – someone who can always be there for you when the urge to commit suicide becomes too much to bear. That’s when you need someone to talk to you and assure you that ending your life is not the solution.

Sometimes just talking to a good listener can help you cope and be enough to calm your thoughts. Stay on the phone, or ask the person to come over and be with you so you are not on your own. You may feel worried or embarrassed about talking to someone about your feelings but remember, the people who love you will not judge you for sharing these feelings with them. They will be glad that you called rather than try to handle everything on your own.

Note: It may seem like there is nobody in this world who can help you, but that's probably because you are not letting them help you. If you tell your friends and relatives how you are feeling then they are guaranteed to help you out. That is, if you let them. It's understandable that you may not want anyone's help, and that's completely acceptable, but you can't just keep on suffering alone.

Think of all the people who love and care about you

You may be feeling completely alone, but that may be because you have been out of touch with your friends or you haven't been feeling close to your family. That doesn't mean that there aren't people who care for you and want you to move forward. Remind yourself of all the people in the world who genuinely care about you.

Make a list of things you love

Write down the names of your best friends and the family members you love, your favourite places, music, movies, books, etc. Include little things like your favourite foods and sports, bigger things like hobbies and passions that help you wake up in the morning.

Write down what you love about yourself – your personality traits, physical traits, accomplishments, and things that make you proud. Everyone has some achievements at some point of her life, which may be overshadowed by the current depressive state. Recount those. Think of the positive moments of the past, your moments of triumph, joy, and glory.

Tip: It may be helpful to have a friend or loved one help you with this list. Depression, anxiety, and other common causes of suicidal thoughts can get in the way of allowing you to see what is wonderful and special about you.



Make a gratitude list

Making a list of all of the things you have to be thankful for, from your best friend to your physical health, or even the sunlight, can help you remember all of the reasons why you want to live. Make a list that is at least a page long. Either keep it with you or in a place that is easily accessible at all times. Go through the list whenever you have suicidal thoughts, and see that you have so many reasons to live.

Think of all the things you are yet to do

Taking the time to write down and consider all of the things that you haven't done yet, whether its falling in love or travelling to a foreign country, can give you hope and more of a reason to live. The next time you feel like ending your life, think about all of the things you have ahead of you, and you will see that you have many more experiences to soak up before your life is over.

Get enough exercise

Exercise has been shown to help reduce the effects of depression and anxiety. It can be difficult to exercise if you are feeling depressed, but setting a schedule for yourself can help. Going to exercise classes can also be a good way to connect with others so you don’t feel isolated or alone.

Get good sleep
Depression often changes your sleeping patterns, making you sleep too much or too little. Research has shown a link between disturbed sleep habits and suicidal thoughts. Making sure to get enough undisturbed sleep that helps you keep a clear head.

Tip: Talk to your doctor if you can’t sleep.

Develop a hobby

A hobby, like gardening, painting, playing a musical instrument, learning a new language, etc., can distract your mind from repeated, unwanted thoughts and make you feel a little comfortable. If you already have a hobby, which has recently been neglected because of your low mood or otherwise, go back to it. If you don't, develop a new one. It may require some deliberate effort initially, but sooner than later, you will feel automatically attracted to it.



Get professional help
Although you have mentioned in your letter that you did see a psychiatrist and he told you that there is nothing wrong with you but I would still very strongly suggest that you see a mental health professional again – a different one. Having consistent suicidal thoughts over a long period of time is a sure sign that this is something you can’t fight alone and thus need professional help. Try to find a psychologist who specialises in dealing with people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies.

Suicidal thoughts are often the result of other mental health conditions, such as depression and bipolar disorder, which are treatable. Stressful or traumatic events may also prompt suicidal thoughts. Whatever is behind your thoughts and feelings, a counsellor or therapist can help you learn to deal with it and become healthier and happier.

Common and effective treatments for people considering suicide include:

A) Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) helps you change unhelpful and “automatic” ways of thinking.

B) Problem-solving therapy (PST) can help you learn how to feel more confident and in control by learning to solve problems.

C) Dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) teaches coping skills and is very helpful for people with borderline personality disorder.

D) Interpersonal therapy (IPT) helps you improve your social functioning so that you don’t feel isolated or unsupported.

Remember, suicidal thoughts and impulses are very serious. Asking for help is a sign of strength. There is no shame in that.

Talk with a spiritual figure

If you are a spiritual or religious person, you may find comfort in talking with a spiritual figure, such as a religious scholar. Some people prefer talking to people of faith than one trained primarily in psychology.

Be patient and believe in yourself
Time may not heal all wounds, but it will certainly make things seem less dire. It can be hard to imagine that things can get better when you are experiencing suicidal thoughts but things will get better. You just have to let them get better.

You may think that suicide will make your problems just go away. Unfortunately, you will never get the chance to see whether things get better if you take that road. Healing from trauma, overcoming grief, and fighting depression all take time. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Note: At times it may not seem like anything is getting better, but the truth is, it is. Remember that others have come through this, and you will too. You can care for yourself, take control of your life, and get treatment. You are strong.
All the best!

Asad

 

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [e-mail] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.