I am a lawyer who decided to be a comedian. I never thought my two worlds would collide so perfectly one day. I have used all of my legal knowledge and gone through the Joint Investigation Team (JIT) recently revealed report and now, I am going to translate it into Pakistani – a language all of us understand.
The JIT was formed to find what the sources of funds are
Translation: We wanted everybody to know conclusively how the Sicilian mafia works before making any decision. Hey – we are the Supreme Court – when have we ever taken haste in dismissing a government or legitimising an illegal government? We are completely independent of politics – look at JIT to keep you occupied!
The affidavits of Tariq Shafi are unreliable. His signatures are different
Translation: How lazy are you man? If you were going to forge documents, you should have at least signed all of them yourself. You made other people sign! You truly do live like a king.
The Ahli Steel Mills document does not exist
Translation: Nawaz Sharif claims his dog ate his office work.
Tariq Shafi said Shehbaz Sharif was involved. Shehbaz Sharif said he was not involved
Translation: Aah… another case of he said, Shah said – Shehbaz Sharif is lying and trying to ensure he does not go down with his brother. He is building an underpass for himself to get out of this flood but he will drown with the rest of them.
No document proving business started with 100% loan
Translation: Chori ka paisa hoga.
The liabilities of Gulf Steel were cleared possibly through undeclared wealth
Translation: Please refer to the aforementioned chori ka paisa.
No document shown to prove how money reached Qatar, Jeddah, or UK
Translation: The Sharif family is engaged in something that rhymes with funny maundering – yes, it is money laundering. You win nothing – just like the Sharif family from this JIT.
The liabilities repayment would have wiped out any sale proceeds
Translation: Chori ka paisa + chori ka paisa – chori ka paisa x chori ka paisa = chori ka paisa.
Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif during his address to the nation stated that in 1980 this factory (Gulf Steel Mills) was sold for AED 33.7 million. This is not consistent with either the documents/records provided by the respondents or the findings of the JIT
Translation: So, if anybody wants to file an application declaring him to be not ‘sadiq and ameen’ and not fit to be a prime minister, we are ready to hear you out.
Moreover, no Imran Khan, we do not mean physically, is fit to be the premier – stop with the push-ups already.
Respondents story about Gulf is unauthentic, lacks substance and seems fabricated
Translation: Just like everything else they say – ye bhi jhoot hay.
Sales proceeds from Gulf Steel Mills never reached Jeddah, Qatar or UK
Translation: The Sharif family should have at least pretended they won “Who Wants to a Millionaire” a few hundred times.
The beneficial owner of the Neilson Enterprises Limited and the Nescoll Limited is Maryam Safdar
Translation: The Sharif family should have thought about protecting Maryam when they were distributing properties in London like it was candy to all of their children.
Maryam has submitted fake/falsified documents to the JIT, which is a criminal offence. Mr Hussain Nawaz and Captain Safdar have also signed these documents
Translation: At least the Sharifs will have company in jail.
Comprehensive report duly signed by Robert W. Radley(Radley Forensic Document Laboratory) London “I have identified the type font used to produce both certified declarations to be “Calibri”. However, “Calibri” was not commercially available before 31st January 2007 and as such, neither of the originals of the certified Declarations is correctly dated and happy to have been created at some later point in time”
Translation: The Sharifs clearly did not learn in school that ‘naql’ kay liye bhi ‘aqal’ chaiye hoti hay.
Mr Nawaz distanced himself from the apartments
Translation: Even the father who gave them the property does not want to get involved in the mess. Is the court to believe Hussain Nawaz invented Facebook and became a billionaire while he was a teenager thus was able to afford all these properties?
Repeated changes in Hussain Nawaz’s stance indicates possible efforts to conceal facts
Translation: Jhoot pakra gaya.
True owners of the Sharif family were the Sharif family – Nawaz seems to employ his children and two BVI entities to conceal his true ultimate ownership
Translation: Like you know, like every wealthy Pakistani father.
“Mr Hasan Nawaz, in his statement before the JIT, explained that Mr Hussain Nawaz Sharif had sent him 2.4 million GBP to help him set his business without declaring the source where the money was coming from”
Translation: 324386304.00 Pakistani rupees. We are sure Hussain Nawaz earned this through his tech start-up. Sure 320 million can sustain thousands of livelihoods for years in Pakistan but it is peanuts for the Sharif family.
Hasan Nawaz and Hussain Nawaz did not have any independent source of income till 2000
Translation: Yet he was distributing millions like Edhi.
Shahbaz Sharif’s reluctance to discuss Qatari letters
Translation: The junior Sharif thinks he will be able to get out of this sinking ship, or at least Hamza will be the next chief minister of Punjab but we are onto him. He goes down with the rest of him.
Al Thani Family did not own the Mayfair apartments
Translation: Qatar cannot even save them now.
Confirmation of fictitious sale/purchase agreements by the respondents
Translation: Yeh bik gayi hai gormint.
The basic summary of the JIT recommendations is that sab hie chor hain, sab hie jhootay hain.
This article is a work of satire.