Malodorous reporting, Sir!

Published: April 5, 2011

[email protected]

My High Priest Hermit of the Presidency, it is your trusted sage Rehman Malodorous reporting. Dark Lord, as per your instructions I have been learning yoga to dislodge my foot from my mouth. It shall be free from my oral cavities soon, so I can walk with dignity again.

And now Sir, highlights of the main issues you wanted clarity on, whether the match was fixed and if the balti chicken on Burns Road is hygienic. Allow me to prioritise, yes, the chicken is good to eat. And the cook, from what our intelligence gathering has told us, is not a blasphemer. So he is alive. For now.

I will be the first to admit Sir, that I know very little about cricket. But you shall be pleased to know that has not stopped me from giving you my expert opinion. It has, however, stopped me from reciting the Holy Quran. I stopped not because of the press criticism, because I have never cared for what they say, but because when your foot is always in your mouth it is hard to maintain the wuzu.

Yes, about the cricket. It was fixed. It seems they are not afraid of my warnings. Inshallah, once I develop a spine after careful surgical grafting this will not be the case next time. No Sir, I am not being rhondi about Dhoni.

You will be happy to know that I have furthered our diplomacy in India. If you remember, your attempt at flirting with Sarah Palin was as successful as the Kargil Operation. I firmly told the Prime Minister that he should keep his banter family friendly, and to ask about the health of her (Sonia Gandhi’s) children instead of complimenting her beauty. But you know these Indians, she did not take it well.

Sir, I have received your new shopping list from Harrods. Please sanction Zulfiqar Mirza to shoot his mouth off again so I can make the trip to the United Kingdom. They have very good sales these days. Altaf Bhai will lend us his discount card for the mall on High Street.

Also, I need to report that terrorists are targeting shrines once again. No Sir, shrines are not a form of bitter wine. They are places of worship. And no Sir, Poonam Pandey has not taken any action yet. I am monitoring the situation on a war footing and will let you know of any development if and when it happens.

Sir, this is just in, apparently she has changed her offer now by saying she will only go nude in private in front of the Indian team. This is similar to our changed stance on to the restoration of the judiciary.

Sir, to avoid misunderstandings with the public I am now directly talking to them through Twitter. Please Sir, do not say I need a babysitter for Twitter. Terrorism is under control which is why I am now looking at other important matters. I opened the free pollen allergy camp in Aabpara, last week. Inshallah, your nosy-posy will be all better soon.

Sir, I have also told Interpol to cancel Terry Jones’ priesthood. They have said they don’t have the mandate. I have written to the Pope to cancel the priesthood of Terry Jones. He says that he doesn’t have the mandate because Terry Jones is not a Roman Catholic but a Protestant. The Catholic Church says Terry Jones is actually a pastor, as if I would believe he is a macaroni.

The situation internationally is not good. There is civil war in Libya, problems in Syria and my own blunderbussphilia. In addition, Bipasha is not happy with the performance of Deepika in Duma Maro Dum.

Published in The Express Tribune, April 5th,  2011.

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Reader Comments (55)

  • Xero
    Apr 5, 2011 - 2:22AM

    You sir were surely not in a good mood when you wrote this.. but no one could do this better, only Rehman Malik himself. :)Recommend

  • Goga
    Apr 5, 2011 - 2:59AM

    Haha I never laughed so hard since the days reading Zaid Hamid’s columns in the strategic journal of BrassTacks or whatver its called. Recommend

  • Apr 5, 2011 - 6:14AM

    Ur a freaking creative genius…
    When did u get ur imagination fitted in ur cranium?
    Wher can one find such geni-yen (genuine) part imagination?
    Mechanic ka sir name de Bono tou nai tha?Recommend

  • naif sultan
    Apr 5, 2011 - 7:20AM

    in the early morning your article is like the gust of fresh breeze making me smile. keep it up fasih Recommend

  • Humaity
    Apr 5, 2011 - 7:27AM


  • Parhakoo
    Apr 5, 2011 - 8:16AM

    I believe this article of yours merits appreciation. Brilliantly and fluidly written indeed!Recommend

  • Apr 5, 2011 - 9:26AM

    now they have hormonal pills to overcome phobias and administering this drug while nearing the object of affection ..oops … i mean fear will help Recommend

  • Shahzad Ahmad
    Apr 5, 2011 - 9:27AM

    Now this is priceless… and then foot in the mouth and the issue of wuzu ;) Write more dude…at least few happy minutes of life reading your piece ;)Recommend

  • PriyaSuraj
    Apr 5, 2011 - 9:35AM

    Totally loved it, haven’t laughed out loud so much in a long long time :)Recommend

  • nadir khan
    Apr 5, 2011 - 9:41AM

    HILARIOUS !!! Two thumbs up !!!Recommend

  • Aleem
    Apr 5, 2011 - 9:42AM

    too awesome to say any futher “The Catholic Church says Terry Jones is actually a pastor, as if I would believe he is a macaroni”. haha well written. only if Rehman Malik could read english…Recommend

  • Bina
    Apr 5, 2011 - 9:45AM

    Sir,i must say this is gonna a hilarious and ‘zanataydar’ slap on the face of misreporting of material facts of last Cricket saga………………….wonderfullRecommend

  • Jawad Iqbal Jawad
    Apr 5, 2011 - 11:27AM

    A delicate and beautiful expression to address our masters, but unfortunately they are not able to take the effects of such a decent address. Recommend

  • Umair Ali Rashid
    Apr 5, 2011 - 11:30AM

    Very NFP-ish. Enjoyed every bit of it.Recommend

  • mahesh
    Apr 5, 2011 - 11:32AM

    good one.Recommend

  • Zaid Azam
    Apr 5, 2011 - 11:38AM

    very well written !Recommend

  • IK
    Apr 5, 2011 - 11:40AM


  • Mirza
    Apr 5, 2011 - 11:54AM

    You hit the Bulls Eye…..AwesomeRecommend

  • usman
    Apr 5, 2011 - 12:07PM

    Brilliant piece Fasi!
    @SM: you are a rude moron. get a life!Recommend

  • Sanan Shazad
    Apr 5, 2011 - 12:17PM

    Brilliant and exceptionally Witty…..great work.Recommend

  • Syed Hassan Talal
    Apr 5, 2011 - 1:30PM

    Lolxxx …Hilarious …..Recommend

  • shoaib
    Apr 5, 2011 - 1:41PM

    hahahahahaha awesummmmmmmmmmmm stuff Zaka ….Recommend

  • Sana
    Apr 5, 2011 - 2:48PM

    excellent piece of work! indeed a good read!Recommend

  • R. Khan
    Apr 5, 2011 - 3:15PM


  • lubna khan
    Apr 5, 2011 - 3:50PM

    hilarious, apt and making perfect sense – in this nonsensical place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Recommend

  • Smrky
    Apr 5, 2011 - 3:54PM

    hahaha this is awesomeeeeeeeeeeee :DRecommend

  • Amer
    Apr 5, 2011 - 5:08PM

    This is just too good… can’t stop laughing. Recommend

  • SanaZ
    Apr 5, 2011 - 5:31PM

    Hahahaha this is hilarious Fasi Zaka…coudnt stop laughing the whole time!!Recommend

  • Rakesh
    Apr 5, 2011 - 5:57PM


  • Lord J
    Apr 5, 2011 - 8:12PM

    the only good men left in Pakistan are you and me. That’s all, you and me.Recommend

  • Jo
    Apr 5, 2011 - 9:24PM

    hahahaha…thats hilarious!! foot in mouth is damn funnyRecommend

  • FB
    Apr 5, 2011 - 9:40PM

    Extremely well-written and very refreshing. Can’t stop laughing. Good job keep it up.Recommend

  • tosheikh
    Apr 5, 2011 - 11:22PM

    hhahahahahahhaa…i cracked up in class.

    awesome-tareeeeeeeeen! Recommend

  • ArifQ
    Apr 6, 2011 - 12:22AM

    Bravo! Made my dayRecommend

  • Zarmeena Ikram Babar
    Apr 6, 2011 - 3:00AM

    The best part about your this article is that -it not just so well personifies Mr.Rehman’s mental level but also encompasses many other aspects in a witty way -sheer sarcasm made this article so close to ground realities.Recommend

  • Anjabeen Shah
    Apr 6, 2011 - 10:13AM

    This piece started my morning with a hearty laugh after a long long time. Good job. And so apt. I would really want to read your views (in the same vein) on the cricket semi-final in India and the Indian commentators.Its still a sliver in the heart.Recommend

  • b
    Apr 6, 2011 - 12:04PM

    awesome – about the only thing in this rag of a paper i think i’ve read recently without shouting or cringing. more, please.Recommend

  • ayub
    Apr 6, 2011 - 1:16PM

    @SM Poor show man, reads like an embarassing attempt to back out after your glib and smug comments were ingored in a sea of approving comments. Dont worry,your attempt at getting Fasi Zaka’s approval/attention will succeed some other day. Recommend

  • Siddiqui
    Apr 6, 2011 - 2:32PM

    i fully endorse the views of SM…
    this is absolutely a gutter piece…Recommend

  • Malik
    Apr 6, 2011 - 6:08PM

    I endorse the views of Ayub that @siddiqui is also trying to catch Fasi Zaka’s attention so Fasi can be his friend/mentorRecommend

  • zaraafzal
    Apr 6, 2011 - 11:50PM

    LOLZ fasii zaka ROCKS THIS TIME :PRecommend

  • Faiza
    Apr 7, 2011 - 12:36AM

    Though Very witty and very close to reality. . . . . . .
    Stil i wud say kuch ziada he ho gaya.:-) Recommend

  • siddiqui
    Apr 7, 2011 - 5:16AM

    u r as funny as zaka…Recommend

  • Hira
    Apr 7, 2011 - 8:22AM

    That was bloody brilliant. Thumbs up for ‘foot in mouth’. You should get an applause for this. clapRecommend

  • Apr 7, 2011 - 10:30AM

    CRAP and Childish tooRecommend

  • Saliha
    Apr 7, 2011 - 1:02PM

    Bravo! A comic-cum-intellectual< for the honoured > peice B) Loved it anyhow :) Recommend

  • Bisma Khan
    Apr 7, 2011 - 2:50PM

    absolutely hilarious!! especially the first paragraph!! :DRecommend

  • Khalid
    Apr 7, 2011 - 3:27PM

    I honestly cant stop laughing, this is hilarious and yet brilliant bravoooRecommend

  • Kamran A.
    Apr 7, 2011 - 10:46PM

    Never really thought much of any piece you wrote but i must confess, this was brilliant. Very very funny, loved it.

    Apr 8, 2011 - 4:25AM

    I believe the comments on this random article by Fasi Zaka, which I reckon was written for the sole purpose of putting a few smiles on or faces, has shown how naive some people are. And this was for you SM and siddiqi. You guys probably belong to some rival news paper. lolz. ;)Recommend

  • Xena
    Apr 8, 2011 - 11:30AM

    Well done, very witty. Reminiscent of Heller’s Catch 22, in fact. Recommend

  • siddiqui
    Apr 11, 2011 - 12:32AM

    @MJI KHAN:
    Of course there is no substance in the above ramblings.

    Its really sad to see you and others actually found it funny. But its not really surprising cos a generation brought up on a heavy dose of sub-standard slapstick comedies has very little connection (if any) with the past masters this land produced. Subsequently, it has very little understanding of what it means to be humourous.

    Witty is something intelligent. The attempts at creating humour or satire were superficial and had no connection with the reality. shopping list, kargil operation, macaroni???

    May be I’m disconnected with what is going around presently in the name of humour. Nonetheless, I feel blessed to be not familiar with it.Recommend

  • siddiqui
    Apr 11, 2011 - 12:39AM

    And honestly, this looks more to be a cheap plagiarised copy of Musharraf Farooqi Jassas-Goat-Spy series that was published sometimes earlier in ET.Recommend

  • tatti
    Apr 12, 2011 - 1:55PM

    Poonam Pandey is not even hot, I am hot. Fasi Zaka, you are bad ass.Recommend

  • Nava
    Apr 14, 2011 - 7:36PM

    i am a fan…….of rehman malik obviously =PRecommend

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