There you sit in the peace and quiet of your living room reading this magazine, blissfully unaware that even as you turn these pages, the lizards are plotting your downfall! No, not the little house lizard that sends so many of us into paroxysms of unreasoning terror and has sent many a henpecked husband in search of a broom.
I’m talking about the real lizards — humanoid, shape shifting trans-dimensional aliens from the Draco constellation. Since time immemorial, these slitty-eyed, green-hued aliens have infiltrated every branch of human society, using their shape-shifting powers to disguise themselves as our leaders, and now control major governments, corporations and yes, even media houses.
But behind their kind, soft-skinned exteriors lies the scaly truth…that they are in fact an evil race of blood-drinking, child-eating reptiles determined to turn humanity into their slave food source.
This may sound like the plot for a bad science fiction movie or TV show, but this is in fact a genuine belief held by a frighteningly large number of people. And their guru is a former goalkeeper, writer and BBC sports announcer named David Icke (no, I didn’t make that last name up).
Icke first shot to lunatic-fringe fame in 1999, when he published his book The Biggest Secret, claiming that just about all ‘human’ rulers from the pharoahs down to the British Royal family were in fact a bunch of man-eating lizards called the ‘Annunaki’. Now, this may explain why Queen Elizabeth II seems to live forever and also, to some extent, why Prince Charles preferred Camilla Parker-Bowles to Diana, but Icke doesn’t stop there. Also numbered among the scaly elite are Henry Kissinger, Hillary Clinton, George Bush, Barack Obama, Bob Hope and Lady gaga. Okay, so that last one does make a modicum of sense.
But David isn’t content to just create his own conspiracy theory, he also borrows and steals from just about each and every other conspiracy theory that exists. The Illuminati? Reptilians. Zionists? Reptilians. The holocaust? Reptilians. 9/11? You guessed it…reptilians.
In addition to secretly enslaving humanity, other favourite lizard pastimes include: drinking blood, child abuse, satanism and genocide. So why are the lizards such unpleasant characters?
Because, as trans-dimensional beings, they feed on negative vibrations and the only way to combat that is by either having a good laugh or by wearing turquoise which, according to Icke-o-philes sends out good vibrations. Good vibrations disrupt the lizards’ shape-shifting powers forcing them to momentarily shed their disguise. Want proof? Look no further than YouTube, where the lizard-hunters have posted video upon video of people displaying such obvious lizard-like signs as hissing (lisping), having their faces change (pixelating) or…well, blinking too much. I tend to lisp and blink a great deal too, and that, coupled with the fact that I’m writing this, should have clued you in my extra-terrestial origins by now.
The belief would be pretty funny, until you realise that Icke regularly sells out lecture halls and sells a frighteningly large number of books. But don’t despair — as evil as the reptilians are they are still the sworn enemies of an even greater threat…the Gray aliens. But that’s a conspiracy theory for another day.
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, March 20th, 2011.