The battle of the sexes

Perhaps there are psychological reasons for the dismissive attitude towards women in Pakistan.

“Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There’s just too much fraternising with the enemy” — Henry Kissinger, former US Secretary of State

On March 10, Jam Tamachi Unar, member Sindh Assembly, ostensibly in reaction to the assembly forming a committee to investigate violence against women in rural Sindh, asked it to also consider forming a committee to look into women mentally torturing men in the urban areas! MPA Unar’s remarks created an uproar: Whilst the assembly hall resonated with women MPAs crying “shame” and walking out of the session in protest, newspapers reporting the incident deplored the MPA’s flippancy and cited attitudes such as his as the very factor holding women back on the path of their progress.

I was intrigued by these reports and wondered if MPA Unar was merely being flippant, or if he was expressing a deep-rooted fear and mistrust of women that a large number of men, particularly in Pakistani society, appear to harbour against women. To gauge how others felt in this regard, I discussed the episode with some of my male lawyer colleagues. Surprisingly, a number of them seemed to agree with MPA Unar and recounted instances in which, according to them, women, rather than men, were the perpetrators of physical and mental abuse, sometimes even publicly. One of them even went to the extent of saying that women in Pakistan were not nearly as deprived as it was made out to be, and if some suffered more than others it was only due to their own timidity.

Perhaps there are psychological reasons for this dismissive attitude towards women, but I am neither equipped nor competent to explore it. However, I do understand that as long as men and women continue to view each other as enemies to be confronted, attacked and ultimately defeated, there is no real hope for progress. Men, as heads of state and ministers, as leaders of religious institutions and custodians of religious learning, as judges and heads of army, as village heads and, particularly, as husbands, fathers and brothers wield enormous, and at times absolute, power over almost all aspects of a woman’s life. It is imperative, therefore, that women be able to engage men in a dialogue regarding their perceptions of women and their role in society, not only in a public forum but also in the privacy of their personal lives

Two things are necessary for such a dialogue to take place: A woman’s knowledge of her own rights and her ability to communicate in an atmosphere of amity, understanding and, dare I say, equality, rather than one of hostility, resentment and submission. Whilst the former targets women only and is therefore more achievable, the latter will remain elusive unless men come to realise the ways in which a strong, capable woman can enrich, not only the society, but also their families and their lives. A significant portion of the time spent in engaging men in any meaningful dialogue would have to be devoted to addressing notions of masculinity so that, instead of identifying with the traditionally-held belief of masculinity as dominance and control, men come to realise their worth in being responsible and caring, and creating an enabling, rather than protective, environment for the women around them.

In our troubled Third World society, the Pakistani man, as much as the woman, finds himself plagued by the dual evils of lack of economic opportunity and a system based on patronage and corruption. Not finding an outlet for a positive expression of his manhood through achievement and progress, such a man gravitates towards the lowest common denominator and asserts power over women — the only part of the population he feels he can control. A dialogue that does not take into account this factor will be doomed to fail. Therefore, the next time when an MPA or anyone else makes a flippant remark regarding women, rather than vilifying him we may consider engaging him in a spirit of understanding, compassion and trust. Whilst the change in attitude may not take place overnight, such an attempt would mark a step in the direction of a future where men support the rights of women, not out of charity and largesse, but conviction and belief.

Published in The Express Tribune, March 16^th, 2011.