Where is my place in Trump’s America?

This election has been unprecedented on many accounts but especially due to the rhetoric that has fuelled this campaign cycle: the personal attacks, hatred, sexism, lies and scandal leaving Americans weak and weary. I could go into all the reasons, and there are many of why this election turned out this way: Clinton’s public image of corruption, Bernie Sander’s movement of change, Trump tapping into angers of the “forgotten” man and woman. But for better or worse, Trump is the President of the US. Which begs the question: how does all this affect me: a Pakistani girl applying to US universities this year? My part to play in all of this was somewhat of a latent realisation, a rude awakening. At first, it was amusing watching the election cycle unravel from halfway around the world, something I was not invested in and so could enjoy without the baggage that came with it. I laughed when jabs were taken at candidates on both sides of the aisle. Till post-primary season, my subconscious said “Hillary’s got this” because that’s what the “general” opinion was. But as November 8 drew nearer, and the race grew tighter, people questioned that certainty. Even my beloved political satire shows could no longer ignore the threat of impending doom. The jokes didn’t make me laugh anymore; they made me contemplate: was a Trump presidency really possible? Needless to say, I have my answer.

One may ask: but what’s the point in applying abroad? With options like LUMS and Habib University, why shouldn’t I consider staying in Pakistan after A Levels? While I have nothing against these venerated institutions, which create new opportunities for so many my age, it’s not what you’re thinking that a good university abroad looks better on a CV and improves job prospects, or that the quality of education is better. My reasons are more personal, the little things that can’t be quantified.

Like the chance to be around people from all over the world, interact with them, understand their point of views, their cultures, and their backgrounds. The globalised world outside of Pakistan is nothing less than a motley of cultures, races and ethnicities — is it wrong to want a taste of the international atmosphere I can get abroad? And it’s not just about other people; I will learn new things about myself while steering myself in this unfamiliar environment — both good and bad — qualities that are right now unknown to me.

Another reason — a big one — is distance from my parents. I don’t mean this in a bad way: for lack of better phrasing, what I mean is that my inherent dependency on parents to solve every little problem that comes my way needs to end. Growing up was long overdue for me and a dose of life abroad, where I will have to fend for myself might actually be good for me.

Then there’s the central question: What do I want to do in life that I think an education abroad is the right fit? The troubling answer to that question is “I don’t know.” Here, with the burden of my parents’ and society’s expectations, I fear that I will be boxed into becoming a doctor or an engineer. If I were sure about the former or latter, then my situation would be very different, but I’m excited about the opportunity to explore my options to my heart’s content in America, to fully take advantage of their broad-based undergraduate education.

And don’t think I’m not entering this with my eyes open to the reality: I’ll be the girl from Pakistan in majority-white America at its most divisive time. We’ve all heard the stories of racism, sexism, xenophobia, islamophobia being on the rise in America and with a Trump presidency, it’ll probably spike even more. Will there be some unpleasant incidents that I will go through? Yes. Will there be a few nasty comments? Sure. But that’s not the takeaway — I have to believe that there’s something better out there, that the people who I’m going to living with and seeing everyday won’t be like the ones on TV, that the perception does not meet reality.

My future is hanging in the balance, in the hands of a man I have only seen to be racist, ignorant and plain obnoxious. The cloud of uncertainty that constantly follows me as I click the “submit” on my college applications isn’t helping. I’m scared but I won’t give Trump the satisfaction of getting what he wants  — his nationalist, anti-immigrant agenda. I will try and while I’m prepared for rejections, I’m not ready for him to influence my life and future, because, then hasn’t he won?

Published in The Express Tribune, January 28^th, 2017.

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