10 things I hate about expatriates in the gulf

1.The blogging. We know this is exciting for you, being paid a ridiculous amount of money just as you were about to get fired due to cutbacks, but we really do not need to know every detail of your exotic experience. Refrain from posting about your newfound love for hummus, photographs of camels or excitement at meeting people from third world countries.

2.The hypocrisy. Do not pity the poor brown man who brings you your tea with milk every day and then bark at him when he puts too much sugar in it.

3.The identity crises. People who flee their homeland are often running away from something. Expatriates are like first year university students; if you were a geek at secondary school, you pretend you were actually The Fonz of your class. There is no accountability, lots of stretched truths and too many strange, cash-obsessed people floating around.

4.The Indian/Pakistani driver stories. Dinner table talk is dominated with the retelling of cab-driver conversations. These can include the patronising discourse about their pay and living conditions, to veiled racism and stereotypes including allegations of them being associated with the Taliban, or mocking their hygiene.

5.The dating. There are few options when you are single in the Gulf to date successful, normal people (see point 3). When couples split, it’s nasty. The stench of heartbreak and desperation is everywhere.

6.The failure. The failure to interact with locals while simultaneously making sweeping generalisations about them.

7.The heightened nationalism. There are supporters of Britain’s extreme right party, the BNP, living in Dubai. True story. From westerners to diaspora desis, it is mandatory to be a fervent patriot when living outside your home country.

8.The inability to save money. Just because you live in the world’s wealthiest region, you don’t have to spend like a sheikh.

9.The mourning. The constant moaning about living in a fake city. There is no such thing as a fake city.

10.The Voice. The ‘I am speaking to a foreigner’ voice. A lot of Indians speak better English than most westerners, so no need for ‘same same’ and s-l-o-w-e-d down speech.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, March 13^th, 2011.