The world’s second largest-religion is receiving a revolutionary rebranding, courtesy of the star of such films as Mean Girls, The Canyons, and Herbie: Fully Loaded. Lindsay Lohan, already the celebrity face of overtanning, cautionary tales, and making a major humanitarian crisis about you, is allegedly adding Islam to her packed roster.
Over the weekend, the convert formally known as LiLo changed her Instagram bio to “Alaikum salam,” an Arabic greeting that translates to “and unto you peace.” This greeting falls under the umbrella of proper Islamic etiquette, leading many believers to assume that Lohan has embraced the faith. The actress also deleted all of her posts on the social media platform, possibly under the impression that sponsored content and bikini selfies aren’t halal.
Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram says ‘Alaikum Salam’ and people can’t handle it
On the surface, Lindsay Lohan may not seem like the most likely brand ambassador for the religion. However, what Lohan lacks in a typical religious background, she more than makes up for in sheer enthusiasm.
Back in 2015, the actress was spotted stateside toting an unconventional accessory—a copy of the Holy Quran. Later, she explained that the holy book was an enlightening gift from some good pals. “My very close friends, who have been there for me a lot, in London are Saudi and they gave me the Holy Quran and I brought it to New York because I was learning,” said Lohan. “It opened doors for me to experience spiritually, to find another true meaning,” she added. “This is who I am.” Lohan has also criticised the response to her reading habits, claiming that, “I was a bad person for holding that Holy Quran. I was so happy to leave and go back to London after that. Because I felt so unsafe in my own country after this. I mean, people were, like, horrible to me.”
Like many celebrities, Lohan has posed for pictures in Muslim countries with a shawl wrapped around her head. But unlike your Rihannas or Khloe Kardashians, Lohan has fully immersed herself in a new culture—to the point of possible political indoctrination. On Oct. 15, fans first began to suspect that LiLo had been compromised. This revelation came in the form of the “Lilohan,” a new accent that the Parent Trap star debuted at the opening of her pro-refugee Athens nightclub. The vocal affect, which Lohan described as “a mixture of most of the languages I can understand or am trying to learn,” was enough of a red flag to prompt further investigation into Lohan’s recent endeavors and whereabouts. There’s no Google rabbit hole quite like the question: “What has Lindsay Lohan been up to lately?”
People think Lindsay Lohan is being paid by the Turkish govt
Naturally, the Lilohan was just the tip of the iceberg. When she wasn’t busy opening eponymous Greek nightclubs, Lohan had apparently been cracking open the ol’ Rosetta Stones. As she told The Daily Mail, “I’ve been learning different languages since I was a child. I’m fluent in English and French, can understand Russian and am learning Turkish, Italian and Arabic.” Admittedly, 2016 was a difficult year. Who among us didn’t lie about being a polyglot and debut their strange new diction on a nightclub red carpet? But it was the content of Lohan’s shocking interview that really raised eyebrows, as the 30-year-old spoke at length about her work with Syrian refugees, and at one point seemed to imply that the Lohan club could branch off into a string of spas and refugee camps.
Not content with sharing her vision for the world’s most confusing franchise, Lohan proceeded to utter the phrase “The world is bigger than five”—a slogan coined by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Erdogan’s favorite saying refers to his opinion that the UN Security Council ought to expand its permanent membership beyond its current five states—China, France, Russia, the United Kingdom, and the United States—presumably to include Turkey.
In fact, Lohan has been quietly and consistently praising Erdogan’s vision for restructuring the UN Security Council, as well as voicing support for his AKP party.
In a predictably off-kilter interview with Turkish TV network Haberturk, also last October, Lohan praised the Turkish strongman’s approach to an attempted coup that had left more than 2,100 people injured and 300 people dead. Lohan mused, “Erdogan did really well and his people, really admiring and respecting him, as the first elected president. This is a big deal.” For some perspective, the Turkish leader who Lohan is essentially Kellyanne Conway-ing for has been accused of restricting the freedoms of his constituents and instituting authoritarian practices. It was during this same interview that Lohan criticized the American response to her carrying a copy of the Quran, opining, “In Turkey you have free will as a woman, it’s amazing here, you can do what you want and it’s accepted, whereas I am in America and I am holding the Quran and I am the devil.” (Note: This could not be further from the truth.)
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So is Lindsay Lohan joining the growing group of famous Americans who double as pawns for foreign superpowers? For a possible spy, Lohan certainly keeps a high profile.
In the past, she’s visited Turkish camps and hospitals, communing with refugees from the ISIS-ravaged city of Aleppo. On her Instagram page—RIP—she posted pictures of herself playing with refugee children and conversing with families. Apparently, the actress is extremely popular in Turkey, where she has garnered her first and last comparisons to fellow celebrity humanitarian Angelina Jolie. Like Jolie, Lohan’s humanitarian efforts have clearly become an integral part of her being, to the extent that the star has transformed personal tragedies into political fodder. When the actress lost a portion of her finger to a boating accident while on vacation in Mykonos, she mined her digital distress for spiritual revelations. In an online video interview with CNN, Lohan explained, “Losing half of my finger and getting it back was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me,” adding, “If that didn’t happen to me, if I didn’t lose a part of myself essentially—and I weirdly think about this when I meditate—I wouldn’t have stayed in Turkey. I wouldn’t have stayed there, and I wouldn’t have understood what it feels like to lose a limb.”
No, this isn’t fake news.
The actress expanded on her experience at the Syrian refugee camp in Turkey, recalling, “It was scary for me at the time because I’m entering a world that I know nothing really about and I’m trying to learn about it… But the most amazing experience I’ve ever had was when I went into those container camps and saw what the Turkish people are actually doing for people that are just walking aimlessly and have nowhere else to go, and giving them refuge.”
Lohan’s newfound religiosity may seem strange coming from a woman who posed nude for Playboy and famously chronicled all of her fuck buddies on an old Scattergories card. However, it seems that LiLo’s nascent spirituality has been building for quite some time. Back in 2014, she confessed to Oprah Winfrey that she was a “very spiritual person.” She had just completed her sixth stint in rehab when she sat for the interview, explaining, “I’m a very spiritual person and I’ve become more spiritual as time has gone on. I’m really in touch, whether it’s prayer or meditation... there are so many powers greater than me in the world. I’ve been blessed and lucky enough to have been given a gift to share with other people.”
Unfortunately for the rest of us, Lohan’s unconfirmed conversion probably means that that Mean Girls 2 treatment will have to wait.