Here’s what Nostradamus predicted about Pakistan in 2017

A recently-discovered ancient scroll reveals what the famous seer prophesied about the Islamic Republic

Archaeologists have recently discovered an ancient scroll in the ruins of the Mayan civilisation titled ‘17 things that will definitely happen in Pakistan in 2017’ allegedly written by Nostradamus himself. The exact text of the scroll along with an expert analysis on what the prophecies mean has been reproduced below:

17. Posters will go up asking for a man to come back

PHOTO: REUTERS

Thank you #QamarJavedBajwa does not have the same ring to it as #ThankYouRaheelSharif. If Raheel Sharif is to contest the 2018 elections, he will win by a landslide.



Maryam Nawaz may be tweeting thinking the storm is over but she is not paying heed to Catwoman’s predictions. “There is a storm coming Mr Sharif. You and your party members better batten down the hatches, because when it hits you’re all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us.”

16. I see containers, containers everywhere

PHOTO: AFP

Nobody could understand what Nostradamus meant centuries ago as containers were not even invented back then, but we got a glimpse of the dystopian future in Islamabad last year.

A year in Pakistan cannot be completed without at least one dharna. We do not have public parties or mass celebrations anymore. Our best bet to come together and dance is at a PTI dharna.

15. Coke Studio will move to the north of Islamabad

PHOTO: WIKI

Strings have no plans to move their studios so experts have not figured out what this prophecy means. The place it refers to may be Bani Gala but no one can decipher how there could possibly be enough concentration of coke at Bani Gala for Coke Studio to take place there.

14. Borders will seize when DP and HS come together

PHOTO: FACEBOOK

Humayun Saeed is convinced that this prophecy means Deepika Padukone will star opposite Humayun Saeed in his latest Lollywood movie, Jawani Phir Nahee Anee Part 2.

Jawani Phir Nahee Anee may just be a prophecy in itself for Humayun Saeed.

13. There will be a spot that will be fixed

PHOTO: AFP

Guess Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif are returning to our cricket team.



12. The dead will walk the earth – after retiring as politicians

PHOTO: AFP

It seems like Qaim Ali Shah and Mamnoon Hussain will go for a walk. Mamnoon Hussain is also the favourite to win the best Mannequin Challenge award for 2016.

11. Everything belongs to the Sun



Experts believe that it was a typo on the part of Nostradamus and what he meant to say was everything belongs to the ‘son’ and the daughter should get nothing in inheritance.

The Council of Islamic Ideology agrees with this explanation of the prophecy. Feminists will continue to complain about this absolutely fair and unprejudiced law.

10. Love shall prevail

PHOTO: PUBLICITY

Dude love will make a return to the WWE and win the Hell in a Cell match at Wrestlemania against Badshah Khan, the first Pakistani to be a part of WWE.

The match will only take place after Islamic clerics declare fighting against the Undertaker haram for any Muslim.

Dude love will be declared a kafir after his victory.

9. The Chinese will rule the world

PHOTO: AFP

The China–Pakistan Economic Corridor will definitely be a success. There will be a McDonalds at Kund Malir. Everyone will be forced to buy ice cream from there before they can use the bathroom after a day at the beach.

8. Humans will learn how to talk to animals

PHOTO: ZORAL NAIK

It seems like talks with the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan will resume after all.

7. All taxes will be abolished

PHOTO: AFP

This seems more reasonable than some of the things Imran Khan says at his rallies.

6. A man will become lucky the third time

PHOTO: AFP

Imran Khan is hoping he becomes the Prime Minister at his third attempt.

Other people are hoping it just means he gets married again and has something to do for most of the day.

5. A monster will rise from the sea

PHOTO: REUTERS

Nawaz Sharif will finally transform into his true self and rise from the C. The ‘C’ here stands for corruption.

Everyone will say no to him so the monster will feel dejected and go back to hang out with his best friend, Cthulhu.

4. A biblical plague will descend

PHOTO: REUTERS

Experts are warning Pakistanis not to start torching minority communities and the term biblical is only used as a point of reference and is not to be understood literally.

3. The men will be vanquished down under

PHOTO: AFP

Australia will whitewash Pakistan in both the Test and ODI Series.



2. The great wall will crumble

PHOTO: AFP

Pakistani men will continue to deface every public wall they can get their hands, or anything else, on.

1. Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives

PHOTO: REUTERS/EXPRESS

Be it judicial commissions, Panama Leaks or dhandlee, Nawaz Sharif and Imran Khan will continue playing their little dance throughout the year. Whether it is the year Imran finally manages to “Yes He Khan” or it is another “Year of the Sharifs?” the only thing that’s certain is news channels will continue getting high ratings pitting the two against each other.

And unlike the Harry Potter saga, this story is not ending anytime soon. Unless of course, prediction number 17 comes true.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.