Politically incorrect: A model citizen

Secret diary of one of Pakistan's top models.

Dear Diary,

I’m so sorry I haven’t written lately. You see last time I used a pen I chipped the fingernail on my pinky. It was awful! Next day at the Sux All-Stars Fashion Show I had to do the ramp with my hand covered. It’s really hard to catwalk like that, but I did it anyways coz the show must go on and also coz the proceeds were pretty good. Anyways, from now on I’m just gonna diary on my Strawberry. I just love gadgets! It’s easier and good as long as I don’t chip my fingernails on that too. Also, I’ll talk to my agent and maybe get my fingernails insured. I have my nose insured after all, for five million rupees. And my knees and calves. What’s a girl without her fingernails!

Dear Diary,

I don’t believe in rivalry, only healthy competition. That’s coz I’m easily better than anyone else in the business. But to my horror I found out today that Haseena Farzeena is 2.7 cm taller than me and weighs 4.3 gms less! Now I’m thinking I gotta take her out and stuff her with Maxdonald’s double ones. And tons of choco-chip ice cream. Also, I’ll ask my agent if we can have her target-killed or something. I’ll put this on the to-do list on my Strawberry.

Dear Diary,

I don’t like being invited to talk shows and stuff. I mean, the exposure’s good but then you have to answer questions and talk about things you know nothing about — which basically includes everything except make-up techniques. Sometimes you can pull it off but not always. Last night, for instance, this wigged, big-time comedian/host asked me about politics in the country. I told him that politics is a good thing and every country should have a lot of it. Everyone laughed at that. He asked if all politicians and ministers should honestly declare their assets. I said that as a supermodel I loved my assets and openly declared them at every fashion show and photo-shoot. If you have it, flaunt it! I was being totally serious but again, they all laughed like crazy. He then asked me if I can be a considered a role model for the youth of Pakistan. I didn’t quite get the question and in my puzzlement I replied, a model is a model whether you roll her or not. He laughed till tears poured down his surgically-enhanced cheeks. Without quite knowing why, I laughed too. My agent later told me that they were not laughing with me, they were laughing at me. I’ll never go to that show again!

Dear Diary,

I’m getting sick of journalists! I had my 493rd glossy mag interview yesterday and it was the same things all over again. What do I think of the fashion scene? When will I marry? Are me and Pyara Khan really just friends? Why do I hate Haseena Farzeena and Dosheeza Laziza so much? Ho hum. They never ask anything interesting or original and when they do they just don’t get my answers. The one yesterday asked me about women empowerment in the country, for instance. I smiled. I said I was aware of the power crisis and women actually need more electricity than men: think of all the hair dryers, the hair-straighteners, the electric toe massagers and hair removers and sundry vibrating instruments. The journalist just looked at me with her mouth wide open. And what’s the fuss about load-shedding anyway, I added. If people don’t have electricity, let them use generators! At this she just left. How rude! And her dress was horrid too: no sense of latest colour trends!

If it weren’t for the sexy pics that go with them, I think I’d just quit giving interviews! Bah!

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, March 6^th, 2011.