I’m very in touch with my feminine side: Uns Mufti

Filmmaker Uns Mufti on living on three dollars a day and his fear of dying slowly.


March 06, 2011

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I have no such ideas. I’m perfectly happy cracking silly jokes at opportune moments.

What is your greatest fear?

Dying slowly. I also fear words like “perfect” and “greatest”.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Every time I isolate something I hate about someone, I find
myself doing the exact same thing 10 minutes later, so no I’m not falling for this one.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Living on three dollars a day. Seems pretty extravagant if you know that 80 million people in this country live on less than half a dollar a day.

What is your current state of mind?

My body lives in a ‘state’ but my mind roams free.  I’m always excited about nothing.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Virtues of all kinds seem to be overrated especially when all they seem to do is keep you from getting that million dollar defense contract.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

I have no ass.

Which living person do you most despise?

Anyone who goes to work every day in their private jet. Unless I become them, I’ll always despise them.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

I like a man who doesn’t make his presence felt, doesn’t talk back to you and does what he’s told. As you can see, I’m very in touch with my feminine side.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

I like a woman who doesn’t make her presence felt, doesn’t talk back to you and does what she’s told. As you can see, I’m all man.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Calibrate, rustication, Bermuda and trilateral are some of the words I use all the time.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My bank balance.

What is your most treasured possession?

Till yesterday it was a pair of speakers but last night the owner came to my house and stole them.

Who are your heroes in real life?

My khansama. I’ve never seen a man with three kids and a wife be so relaxed. He may be cheating though. I suspect he’s taking sleeping pills but that could just be my love of conspiracy.

What is your greatest regret?

Regret is for suckers.

What’s your favourite quote?

Suck on this!

What kind of super powers would you like to have?

Bringing to my living room any woman I see in magazine posters or movies by just snapping my fingers and saying the word talaaq three times out loud.

If you had a time machine, where would you go?

I’d go back to last night and not have that katakut from that dhaaba.

What’s the one thing you wish someone would invent?

Portable air conditioners. You know something you can wear on your ears when you go out in the month of June.

What’s the last really good movie you watched?

All movies are good. I can watch crap and be totally floored. Like The Green Hornet. Best movie ever.

If they made a movie on your life, who would you want to play your role?

I would want to play my role.  I don’t think anyone else would do me justice. Besides if this kind of opportunity does arrive, I’d want to take full advantage…

What would the movie be called?

Abbu dee la! It would be a Punjabi film. We can call it Above the Law in English.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, March 6th, 2011.

COMMENTS (15)

Raza | 10 years ago | Reply @Farzana: lol!!!
Farzana | 10 years ago | Reply @Freeha Shaukat: I totally understand your obsession with the guy and your attempts to get hold of him on 'that ringing gadget' but did it occur to you that may be, just may be, he does not want to talk to you baby? :P
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