Analysing the subject of marriage

In Pakistan, most young women aspire one thing: marriage. It’s like they are born and raised for only one major event in their lives. As for women who don’t want to get married, society is only too keen to correct them. Anyone unmarried who reaches the age of thirty, male or especially female, is bombarded with a series of very intrusive and obnoxious questions by the ‘grown ups’. The assumption is that everyone should be married at least once in his or her lifetime. If not, they are either gay or somehow ‘defective’ (note, normally treated as much the same thing).

But is marriage really that necessary? More importantly, does marriage even work for an individual? I say marriage works for society and for the peace of mind of the members of a society. But in a place like Pakistan, marriage doesn’t really add much to an individual’s life. Think about it. Even if it’s a love marriage how much exposure do you have to your spouse before you marry? You chat on the phone, text, whatsapp each other constantly, even see each other on Skype. You can even get to see each other in person when you find a secluded spot to go on a date. But again, how much do you get to really know about the other person? Instead, when the time is right or enough time has passed, you involve your parents and the families meet. The wedding day is decided and two almost strangers get married to each other even though supposedly it’s a love marriage. Then Pandora’s box opens and all the true facts about each other emerge. He leaves the cap of the toothpaste off and the toilet seat up in the bathroom every single day. She has a terrible temper plus she can’t stand his mother. Fights about small things start and turn into huge issues. Meanwhile, children are born and the family network expands as well. If there are no children, the family starts dropping hints. As for the couple themselves, they can’t bear to be in each others’ presence but they have to ‘make their marriage work’ and thus life goes on. She cries in the bathroom every time she showers wondering why she even got married. He stays at work extra long hours to decrease the amount of time he has to spend with her and the kids.

Society is thrilled that they remain Mr and Mrs but as individuals, they want to kill each other. This may not be the scenario for all families. But it is the case for far too many. In the western world at least one gets time to spend with each other and marriage is only a consideration once enough time and effort has gone into actually getting to know each other. If the families get along that’s great but that’s not the only reason for getting married. In Pakistan, no one prepares kids for what is to come after marriage and what it actually takes to make a marriage work.

What you see as a consequence in Pakistan is serial monogamy. But when people here are getting married and divorced and then remarried again what they are really doing is the western world’s version of dating. In Pakistan, you really get to know your partner when you get married to them. So by relationship/marriage number two or three you finally end up with someone compatible, someone whom you can grow old with, without wanting to kill them.

For many young Pakistanis, the only choices given to them by society are unhappy ones: either they can be happy or they can make their family, extended family and friends happy. Getting divorced means getting stamped as being a failure at life in general. It doesn’t matter how educated you are or how successful you are at your career. Whether you made your marriage work is instead seen as the only benchmark of a successful life. Does that mean that we should get rid of marriage in Pakistan? No. But we do need to see whether or not marriage works for the people in the marriage, as opposed to everybody outside the marriage. Right now, Pakistani marriages work mostly for the benefit of everybody except the people married to each other. That makes no sense. And it needs to change.

Published in The Express Tribune, November 3^rd, 2016.

Like Opinion & Editorial on Facebook, follow @ETOpEd on Twitter to receive all updates on all our daily pieces.