Yours extremely

Mullah Bummer writes secret letter to dear friend Ossy.

Respected leader and dear friend,

It is with great sadness that I pen this missive to you. It’s been two months since our security squads assigned us different caves on either side of the Durand Line. Security concerns notwithstanding, I miss you very much, Ossy. We shared the same cave for most of the last few years — ever since Ayman left and went to France —and I confess I had grown very fond of your exalted company and companionship. Of course, the fact that your cave was centrally heated in winters was an added benefit. We shared some very good times together. Ah, the simple joys of discussing world domination while picking lice from your beard; of watching old reruns of Baywatch on satellite TV; of sharing lamb dumpukht and bars of US Army chocolate. The memories keep flooding me. Remember the time you were trying to create a new generation of parcel-bombs but one blew in your face and set your beard on fire? Or when you dabbled with a new version of anthrax and got infected yourself?

On a personal note, I confess I keep missing you more and more. Although I will soon get central heating and a broadband connection in my cave, life will still be pretty boring without you. I remember with great fondness and nostalgia our wonderful times together. It sometimes reminds me of that movie we saw, I think it was called “Broken Back of Mountain” or something.  Those were the days!

Before I close I must tell you that I’m revising the 420th version of our master plan for the Talibanisation of America. While it is quite comprehensive and includes all airline schedules and subway timings, not to mention a separate chapter on Sarah Palin’s fate once we take over, I think a key element is amiss: I firmly believe change should be initiated from the top. I don’t think we can successfully Talibanise America until Obama wears a burqa and Mrs Clinton grows a beard. Oh, my apologies. I mean vice versa. I think we should make this an integral element of our manifesto. I’ll forward the details for your kind consideration.

In the end, my dear Ossy, I want to reiterate that I remain your steadfast friend and ally, despite all the distance and international military personnel between us. I wish you the best of health and spirits.

Yours extremely,

Bummer.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, February 13^th, 2011.