7 things marriage experts advise doing before tying the knot

Marriage is one of the biggest commitments you’ll ever make in your life. As with any big commitment, it’s best to prepare as fully and completely as possible. Compiled from The Huffington Post, here is a list of what experts suggest you do before tying the knot to ensure your union lasts.

1. Work together to become skilled communicators

“When you can both share your feelings honestly and clearly ask for what you need, the marriage is more likely to last. When you have something difficult to say, being adept at healthy confrontation is a must,” says Marcia Sirota, a psychiatrist and the founder of the Ruthless Compassion Institute. “You need to be able to express your anger, frustration, disappointment or dissatisfaction in a way that doesn’t put your partner on the defensive or make them feel attacked. When you can do all this, you’re setting yourself up for a long and happy marriage.”

2. Discuss family planning

Do you want to have kids? Does your partner? It’s important to address family planning before getting married “Don’t assume you are on the same page about important decisions such as children. Talk about if and when you want to have them, how many you want and if both parents will work once you do. Having a child changes your life. Making sure you are in agreement ahead of time will save a lot of potential problems down the road,” advises Leslie Petruk, director of The Stone Center for Counseling and Leadership in North Carolina.

3. Acknowledge your shortcomings

According to counsellor Kurt Smith, no one is born the perfect partner. “Many of us didn’t have the best role models growing up for how to have a happy and successful marriage, either. So acknowledge to your fiancée where you fall a little short or could improve as a partner. Then make a commitment to work at getting better in this area.”

4. Make peace with each other’s friends and families

“It’s important to have a network of supportive family and friends with whom you can share marital joys and challenges. That being said, if you have not already, try to make peace with your partner’s friends and family — at least as much as is within your control. You are not marrying them but your partner finds them to be important,” explains Nari Jeter, marriage and family therapist and instructor at Florida State University. “It is a gift to your partner for you to encourage their relationships and to be interested and involved with the other people in their life.”

5. Set weekly marriage meetings even before the wedding

Don’t let the word “meeting” scare you off. Go out and grab some coffee or take a walk — the point of weekly marriage meetings is to talk and connect; the setting is not important. “Start having weekly marriage meetings while you’re engaged. These are short, gentle conversations with a simple, loosely structured agenda that includes expressing appreciation, coordinating responsibilities, planning for dates and other fun times and discussing concerns. The meetings foster more intimacy, romance, teamwork and a smoother handling of issues,” says Marcia Naomi Berger, author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted.

6. Address the finances

“Establishing a plan and agreeing on money management can prevent a lot of potential disagreements down the road. Many couples join their finances once married, while others keep individual accounts. Transparency is critical when it comes to money in a marriage,” says Petruk. According to her, if secrecy around purchases exists, it’s an indicator that some trust issues need to be addressed up front. “If you plan to save, discuss how much and what your immediate and long-term goals are in regard to your finances. Financial health is a reflection of the health of your relationship and how well you communicate and function as a team.”

7. Go to premarital counselling

“Some couples are hesitant to go because they think they do not have issues, or are afraid that counselling will dredge up issues that they didn’t know existed. By going to premarital counseling, you can clarify, with the help of a trained professional, the expectations for the marriage and agreements on when to seek outside help,” suggests Jeter.  Also, by establishing a relationship with a marriage therapist before saying kabool hai, you are making it easier to return if you need additional support in the future. 

Published in The Express Tribune, July 24^th, 2016.

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