6 red flags indicating your relationship won’t work

According to experts, there are several warning signs that, in fact, signal bigger problems

The sound of his snoring is beyond exasperating. And let’s not get started on how she could’ve been a better home organiser. These little disputes are totally normal in any relationship, and aren’t suggestive of whether or not your bond will survive, claim relationship experts, but there are several warning signs that, in fact, signal bigger problems. As compiled from Prevention magazine, here’s a list of things that could threaten the viability of your relationship.

Your clashes include criticism and contempt

Instead of saying, “Please can you take care of laundry” it sounds more like this: “Do you have some sort of a mental disorder? Or are you just too idiotic to have forgotten about laundry?” Notice how the criticism is not about the task — it’s about the person. Any version of “What is wrong with you?” basically attacks the other person’s character, which, when done regularly, can chip away at the relationship. As for the contempt part, that means you feel superior to you partner. Contempt is also expressed non-verbally: eye-rolling, sneering, or imitating the person’s mannerisms. And contempt just causes more conflict. “If, say, you criticised your husband about his terrible driving, force yourself to make at least five endearing comments throughout the rest of the day to smooth things over,” suggests Melissa Cohen, a couples’ therapist in Westfield, New Jersey.

Trust is totally absent

Fact is that there is no worse deceit than when a partner has cheated — there could be another person involved or you could have cheated financially. “It breaks the trust in the relationship, and sometimes the breach is not fixable,” shares Tina B Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. If the couple wants to fix it, the person who broke the trust needs to be willing to be accountable to their partner, tell the complete truth, and make extra effort to mend the relationship, until the trust is repaired.

There’s drama

Are you always whining to your partner about how terrible your in-laws are or are they complaining about you not being a good parent? If a couple fights all the time — especially if there’s violence on either side —Tessina always recommends that they spend some time apart and give each other some healthy space. If the relationship is meant to be, the couple will ultimately heal itself but the drama must go. “The couple has to learn to give up the drama — the temper tantrums, hissy fits, and name-calling — and learn to communicate in a healthy way,” she says.

Emotions are seldom expressed

On the flip side, it’s also not good if neither partner cries or expresses big emotions — even anger — and instead choose to be cold towards each other, notes Carole Lieberman, a Beverly Hills-based couples therapist and author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them, When to Leave Them. “It means that they’ve gone past the point of hurt and have cut off all feelings toward one another,” she says. Lieberman says that it’s actually better when a couple is yelling, screaming, and crying rather than sitting there expressionless and turned off. “When someone acts frozen and devoid of emotion, they’ve already decided that the relationship is over,” she says. Tessina agrees, adding, “If one or both parties won’t talk about what he or she feels and thinks or one of them won’t listen, the relationship won’t make it unless that person makes a change.”

There’s an overall lack of empathy

One thing to note — a relationship has reached critical mass when there is little or no identification with your partner’s feelings. “This makes both partners feel alone and uncared for because neither of their hurts and pains are being acknowledged,” suggests Lieberman. Often, the couple becomes cruel to one another in an effort to make the other one suffer to experience how bad he or she feels, she explains. Even if you’ve had a fowl fight or an upsetting argument, never shut off — in fact, that’s the time to exhibit care and affection towards your other half; it’s probably exactly what they might need from you at that time.

There’s zero motivation to make the bond better

When times are tough between you and your partner, the immediate approach to take is to look your partner in the eye and ask them: ‘Do you want this relationship?’ Asking this question usually brings out the truth — sometimes a person might just want to call it quits but doesn’t have the guts to say it out loud to their partner, only to drag the relationship further. “They’re either afraid to say they’re not interested anymore or they’re afraid to hurt the partner’s feelings,” says Tessina. Whatever the reason might be, you have a right to know where the relationship stands so you can plan ahead.

Published in The Express Tribune, May 10^th, 2016.

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