Should Justin Bieber replace Osama bin Laden?
Bieber bin Laden? If all you need is naive idealism and a cult following - Justin is a shoo in.
Okay, so now that big bad Osama bin bad hair day is dead the question that all of us are asking is "who will be taking over as the head of al Qaeda?"
The position definitely requires charismatic leadership and the ability to strategize but if the group is to stay relevant they may want to think about a new kind of leader.
Here are my suggestions:
Justin Bieber: Who better to lead a bunch of frustrated, young kids with way too much spare time on their hands in an ultimate battle of good against evil? Bieber is (insanely) passionate, has a (zombie-cult) following, has the right amount of (naïve-delusional) idealism and just about the only look he hasn’t tried yet is a full-on beard – which of course may be his biggest challenge to date.
Reading some of Bieber’s lyrics makes him a shoo-in for al Qaeda head:
I was born to be somebody.
Ain't nothing that's ever gonna stop me.
I'll light up the sky like lightning,
I'm gonna rise above,
show 'em what I'm made of,
I was born to be somebody,
I was born to be,
and this world will belong to me.
Charlie Sheen: This bad boy needs to take it to the next level, and what can top being al Qaeda head? Seriously, Sheen is simply not cutting it after his falling out of that-show-most-people-have-forgotten-already. Sure he’s on tour and sure he’s riding success now, but we all know that’s simply not what gets off people like Sheen (and Osama). Eventually, he’s going to have to self-destruct, implode, explode and make a grand old mess of things.
Additionally, I think a lot if his zany quotes will hold great appeal for the al Qaeda crew. I mean, what could be a better recruiting slogan than:
"If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently."
Oprah Winfrey: Well, yes, she already has a rabid cult following ready to kill and maim on order, but surely a merger between Oprah fans and Al Qaeda can spell only good things for both groups, right? For one thing, a female al Qaeda head can finally proudly stand up and say, “Honey, I’m not doing it for the hoors in Heaven.” Along with laying this philosophical conundrum to rest, Oprah would also improve the al Qaeda media wing which has yet to kick off in a big way. I’m thinking book deals, book signings, incredible interviews and some great DVDs with jihadi self-help tips is just the tip of the ice-berg. To cite just a few of Oprah’s (slightly modified) book titles:
The Oprah Magazine Cookbook: 175 Delicious Recipes to Cook your Sinful Friends & Family
Make the Connection: Ten Steps to a Better Body and a Better Life…with Al Qaeda
The Uncommon Wisdom of Al Qaeda: A Portrait in Her Own Words
Sana Safinaz: It’s true. The Lawn wars have escalated to the point of no return. Alliances must be forged, enemies targeted and executed; blood must be spilled. Veteran designers Sana Safinaz has proven their worth each year in this aunty warfront, and if al Qaeda knows what’s good for them, they’ll hire this duo in a heartbeat. What’s more, Sana Safinaz can provide great strategic depth with their knowledge of how to fight battles based on the ebb and flow of seasons.
Trends will be spotted a year in advance.
Spring action will be quick, brutal, and visible in every street.
Men will run screaming in fear as signs go up announcing the launch of another attack. I can see it now:
Sana Safinaz Summer collection 2012: Back with a bang
Junaid Jamshed: Because, well. Never mind.