Why feminism is necessary for a successful marriage

I think what really worked for me was internalising that not only can women be equal to men, they can also surpass us

A few months before I was to get married, an elder cousin decided to give me advice on the various aspects of marital life.  The discussion also veered towards household finances and my future wife's job. It was then that I was asked a weird question, followed by an absurd suggestion.

“Raza, will you allow your wife to continue working? I suggest you don't let her go back to work because a wife only respects her husband if he is earning the bread. If she works, and especially if she earns more than you, she won’t respect you and you will also feel the strain and jealousy.”

I was literally taken aback. At that time, my wife, then fiancé, after securing the top position in her graduating class and winning the gold medal, was working for a leading corporate. She was also doing really well. I knew that she was passionate about her work, while being very hardworking and ambitious. Besides the fact that even back then, I did not think that I as a husband or husbands in general had any right to 'stop' their wives from working. Startled, I replied,

“Baji, if she wants to work and I forcefully stop her, using my male privilege in this society, to enforce my so-called role as breadwinner, how will she ever respect me? If I do that, I am merely stopping her from pursuing her dreams while taking the title of breadwinner by force, especially since that is not what she needs. I really doubt that creating a forced dependence leads to respect. If anything, at least in our case, it will lead to bitterness.”

Luckily my cousin did not pursue her line of reasoning after my firm answer and quickly changed the subject. What my cousin was suggesting, however, was perfectly in line with our societal mores. This is perhaps one of the starkest examples of the affects of the patriarchy that I can think of to date.

A patriarchal society, more often than not, conditions women to either entirely stop working because they think if the husband is not the sole breadwinner he will not feel respected or in some instances will actually stop respecting the husband if it is not the case. On the other hand, it is the patriarchy that instills in the men that their worth and respect lies in being the breadwinner and it is the patriarchy that conditions husbands to feel jealous when their wives earn more, even if for their shared household. Most times men will put down a condition before marriage that their wife will not work, simply owing to the insecurity they feel.

The patriarchal social structure takes away autonomy from both men and women, opening greater avenues for interference into the private lives of married couples. In a typical family, traditional expectations of marriage and child birth are flung onto couples, along with shame if the choices that the couples make for their lives are not meeting the set expectations. These expectations are also extended to the roles the spouses are supposed to play in each others' lives. Such interference can increase friction between a couple and can create problems where they were none.

I am really glad that I did not listen to my cousin back then, even though I am sure that I had not yet completed my transformation from a conservative, 'religious', 'patriotic' male to a more secular and liberal human being. I will admit the transformation is a journey that I am still on and one that I will hopefully continue to learn and grow on.

I think what really worked for me at that time was that I had completely internalised the fact that not only can women be parallel and equal to men, they can also surpass us.  I also fully acknowledged that my would-be spouse is not my property. Once you internalise this feminist thinking process as a man, you are liberated from a burden you didn't even know you were carrying. And trust me it is a beautiful experience.

My marriage is by no stretch of imagination perfect, in fact sometimes I may not even classify it as a good one. Neither will I claim to be the best of people or even the greatest of husbands but when compared to the standards in Pakistan, ours is what they call an egalitarian union as both of us firmly believe that we are equal as individuals and not each other's property.

My wife has done very well in life. She worked in the finance sector in Pakistan and was brilliant enough to earn the post of senior vice president, a position many take decades to reach, in just eight years. When the time came for me to shift to America for my PhD, despite my insistence that she stay back as her career was thriving, she quit her job without a second thought because she wanted to be with me. As I mentioned before my wife is hardworking and ambitious, once here she decided to embark on an MBA programme, which she also topped, despite her peers being many years her junior. Here too she has found a good job and is doing well.

As we do not have the option of hired help in America, my wife and I have divided the chores of the house, so that they are not a burden on either of us. So she does the cleaning while cooking and the laundry are my job. Unfortunately in a typical Pakistani set up, a woman is supposed to undertake all the chores herself, whether or not she works professionally.

There is a huge misconception that feminism is against men. It is not, even if some feminists in their individual capacities, may be.  Feminism in its true essence is a struggle against a patriarchal setup, which assigns lopsided roles to women and men based solely on their gender without any other bearing or logic, for example, cooking being a woman's duty. The movement seeks to challenge the resultant expectations and the narratives that emanate out of such a structure.

Feminism is not just about liberating women, but also about liberating men as these so called gender roles exert considerable stress on men while creating mistrust between couples. In its true essence, feminism tries to bridge the gap between the genders, and it acknowledges that BOTH men and women must change.  So, men must stop thinking feminism equates to misandry and stop being angry because it simply does not. While some women should turn their attention to what one of the leading feminists, Bell Hooks says,

“As the movement progressed, as feminist thinking advanced, enlightened feminist activists saw that men were not the problem, that the problem was patriarchy, sexism, and male domination. It was difficult to face the reality that the problem did not just lie with men. Facing that reality required more complex theorizing; it required acknowledging the role women play in maintaining and perpetuating sexism.”

I think part of the reason why my marriage has successfully survived for so long is because at heart, my wife and I are both feminists. We respect each other because we view each other as independent human beings and not because it is a power struggle or enforced. At the end of the day, what I need the most as a husband is the reassurance that my wife is with me because she wants to be, out of her own free will. Thankfully, given the equal nature of our relationship and the resultant communication, I can always be sure she stays with me because chooses to and not because of any other reason.