I’m not ready to live in Imran’s Pakistan

Pick one: Khan's tenure ends in mullah takeover, country-wide revolt, accidental nuking of India.

Its 2013 and by some unlikely miracle of sheer inqilabi (revolutionary) voting, Imran Khan has been elected prime minister and his party is in power.

Wait a minute – what party?

That’s right, a hefty gang full of  loafers and bitter ex-politicians out for rival blood. Looking at those lining up to be given party tickets so far, the PTI may as well take Sheikh Rasheed, Pir Pagara and Musharraf on board (something I’ve suggested before).

Let’s face it – for Imran to win the elections, he will (and is) turn to the same old faces, using the same old tools to come out on top.

Fear not though, there is an inqilab (revolution) coming – just not the one you envisioned.

2013

It's three months after Imran has been elected prime minister and two weeks since all ties were severed with the US. This is partly due to drone attacks which Imran was unable to stop post-coming into power, and partly from Pakistan’s new foreign minister Shireen Mazari shouting expletives at random goras (white people) in Islamabad.

The US has had enough. The drones keep falling. The Pakistan army says its hands are tied, short of all out war. The foreign office has imposed a ban on all ‘yanks’ travelling to Pakistan. The PTI gang is telling Imran he is bang on target with his agenda. People in Pakistan are loving it!

Except, there is no more US aid to fund anything – and by anything, I mean anything. The military, food, education - there is no money.

It is now the start of 2014

Imran is delivering his Obama speeches laced with a little less “Yes we Khan” and a little more:

“I’m not gonna lie to you…times are tough, results will take a while to show, but we all have to work together to pull through.”

This is also when his PTI gang starts splitting at the seams as corruption reaches new highs (or lows depending on how you see it). Imran is firing lotas and loafers left right and centre, but unfortunately, is forced to hire their loathsome underlings to fill in the gaps. In desperation, Zohair Toru is declared Minister for Information due to his street cred (hey at least he’s not corrupt).

The PPP, PML-N and ANP are laughing hysterically at the sidelines and using all their clout to ensure things go from bad to worse. This is starting to look bad. It’s starting to smell bad too as money for street sweepers and gutter cleaners is the first to run out.

Funds are short but Imran has a plan. He has appealed to the Swiss Banks demanding the return of Pakistan’s looted wealth. The Swiss say they will get on it…soon.

BOOM!

That was the sound of parliament being attacked by a suicide bomber. He got through due to lack of security due to lack of funds. More importantly, he got through because over the last year Imran has been busy engaging the Tehreek-e-Taliban in talks letting them regroup and expand (not to mention there is no army to carry out operations any more; it’s too busy on the Afghan border watching the US with fear in its eyes, and lets not forget – the lack of US funds).

The Taliban have now decided they can take a crack at the parliament too. So have 35 other militant outfits who have (miraculously) found a new supply of desperate young men out of jobs, out of homes, starving, and ideologically motivated after having watched the new regiment of religion-based dramas trotted out after pretty much everything else was banned on TV because “hum sub ke ghar, or TV mein pardey honay chahiye” (we should all have curtains in our homes and TVs).

Imran is cursing the day he decided to make a bunch of Twitter experts his economic team. The Swiss haven’t replied. The US well has dried up and sanctions are fast approaching (along with a US-led coalition on the Pak-Afghan border). How can things possibly get worse?

Easy. The military realizes things have gone to pot with Sunshine boy. They realize coups are just so 1999, but they really need that US cash and they really don’t want a war on their hands.

End of 2014

The coup is under way. The militants are among us. Our TV channels suck worse than before. There is no food, no money, no fuel, and for us rich folk, no easy escape to the US either (no visas, not to mention all PIA flights were grounded four months ago). The mullahs are trying to talk to Imran to convince him to hand over power to them, as a mullah-military nexus may be acceptable to the militants, preventing a complete hostile takeover.

Imran of course, refuses to compromise and his newly appointed Minister of Water and Power, General (rtd) Pervez Musharraf keeps telling him to "take it like a man."

2015: choose your own (real and inevitable) inqilab

US take-over of Pakistan

Mullah-military nexus take-over

Militant-run Pakistan

Countrywide revolt due to abject poverty, starvation

A PPP return to power

(Accidental) nuclear war with India

This blog post is satirical in nature