Real life lessons: How to drive away rishtas

Here are a few tried and tested tips for those fair maidens who seek to avoid the dreaded rishta!

Showing signs of puberty is all that a member of the fairer sex needs to land herself her very first rishta. Though some girls might love to bask in the glory of getting the most suitors without even having to progress to a B-cup, several others despise it.

In fact, I have a hoard of acquaintances and friends alike who had to come up with ingenious, and sometimes drastic plans to act as an interlude to their mom’s ‘hunt for the perfect male’. So, I’ve decided to compile a few of their best ideas for anyone who might be in need.

Get a haircut...

Or make some other drastic change to your appearance which is not acceptable in your social surrounding. One of my friends chopped off her beautiful mane of knee length hair to a short Victoria Beckham like cut. This may be appropriate, or even appreciated in some parts of society, but where this girl came from, it was enough to drive away the rishta aunty who had been hounding her for quite some time. Other possible things that you could do is either get an obnoxious tattoo somewhere visible or get multiple face piercings.

Stop using deo...

 I mean it. A week without proper hygiene is enough to make any rishta fly away faster than you can say ‘jahaiz’.

Make up a fake boyfriend...

 Pull the old Hindi movie stunt on your parents. Want it to be more dramatic? Do it in front of your suitor. Tell them you’re madly in love with someone else. Throw in a suicide threat too, just for good measure.

Get a real boyfriend...

 What’s better than a fake love-of-your-life? A real love-of-your-life. It doesn’t matter if you’ve only been dating a couple of weeks, assure your parents that he’s a doctor, or a doctor’s son, or even remotely related to the field of medicine. It should be enough to placate them for a while.

Tell them you want to be a doctor first...

 As mentioned in the last point, anything to do with medicine will work. You see, the only thing desi parents love more than saying: ‘My daughter is getting married to a cardiothoracic surgeon’ is, ‘My daughter is studying to be a cardiothoracic surgeon’. Make sure you mention to your mom how you’re doing this to kill two birds with one stone: Bragging rights for them and the good doctor rishta that you will surely find for yourself in your five years at med school.

Tell them you’re a lesbian...

 Beware, only do this if your parents are extremely open minded and willing to accept people of all sexual orientations. Otherwise this could backfire. They might end up marrying you to the first available straight male in order to rid you of this demon.

Fart...

 Master the art of flatulence. It’s the perfect human repellent.

Tell the suitor your best friend is a guy...

‘You immodest slattern! How dare you even talk to the opposite gender?’ At which point you must tell them that it’s purely platonic because, you know, you are in fact a lesbian.

Smile...

 You know when they told you a girl’s best weapon is her smile? They were right. In this scenario, the smile is to be used a little differently though. Every time your rishta guy comes up with some insane theory about his principles in life and about how the floods of 2010 were actually an American conspiracy, give him a smile. Not an encouraging one, a patronizing, sympathetic smile. If he’s enough of a Pakistani male, he’ll pick up the remains of his bruised ego and never bother you again.

And lastly,

Tell them your views....

on abortion, family planning, gay rights and the legalization of marijuana. ‘Nuff said.

*Although these tips are tried and tested, the writer bears no responsibility for the consequences. Proceed at your own risk fair sisters.