Shall I compare thee to an internet creep?

Dear maila stalkers: comments like ‘the deepness’ of my eyes, ‘the angelic beauty’ of my face are just plain creepy.

It is fairly amusing being a Pakistani female on the internet. There have been an ever increasing number of mailas, who have finally decided that Orkut is so-last-century and have made their way to Facebook which offers better chances of fishing for a bachi online. I have had quite a few laughs reading poorly structured love messages that have found their way to my inbox (see picture above).

One of these studs professed his love for me with a message which was definitely longer than this article itself. When I stop and think back, it definitely made a very good proposal. In fact, if it was coming from someone whom I had known for at least a couple of years, I might have been mildly touched. However, comments like ‘the deepness’ of my eyes and ‘the angelic innocent beauty’ of my face which had driven him to profess his love are far from romantic when coming from a complete stranger. Sorry, they were just plain creepy.

The mysterious admirer's story was that he had met me at a wedding ceremony and had fallen for me at first sight. Since then he had searched the highs and lows of the internet world to catch but a glimpse of me.

I promptly replied asking him to stop watching so many Hindi love stories, and to possibly find something constructive to do. Would it be constructive if he started writing love stories though?

I had just recovered from this amusing little incident that I safely stored in my ‘anecdotes-to-break-the-ice-in-as-awkward-a-way-as-possible’ list, when I received yet another proposal. I regret photoshopping my profile picture now.

This time, it was from someone who had even worse grammar, if this is indeed possible. This is just plain sad. Do mailas really have no tact at all?

Here are a few tips for you fellows, not for your benefit, but purely so that I don’t have to cringe every time I try to enjoy a stalker-like message in my inbox.

1. Good grammar. Use it. You will never find a worthy bachi if you can’t juggle your tenses.


2. Take it slow. You can’t fall in love with someone by visiting their profile on Facebook, so don’t even go there. Try something believable, it might actually work.


3. Shave, shower, go out. Meet people in real life. And keep your internet time to enjoy high quality foreign babes. It’ll make you seem less desperate.