A short biography of Mr West Pakistan

Mr West Pakistan turns 64 on Sunday. The retiree has come a long way since his birth. Unfortunately, now deathly ill, Mr Pakistan is desperately seeking a cure for the diseases that ravage his body after years of negligence.

Born on a hot August day in 1947, little Pakistan came into the world with his twin brother East, and a completely dysfunctional family. Born prematurely amid severe complications, Mr Pakistan grew up an orphan. Abandoned by his mother, what little he knew of his father, was quickly erased by the abysmal faculty at school.

His other brother, Mr India, did remember their mother, Britannia. Mr India didn’t have fond memories of Britannia; she was a bad mother whose children all suffered several spankings on a good day, and had for many years been at odds with her oldest daughter, Lady Liberty, even though she lived just across a pond.

Liberty had fought tooth and nail to free herself from Britannia’s clutches; she had grown tired of her mother’s distant, one-sided relationship. India once tried to fight, but Britannia had learnt to punish her children more severely, and India accepted that patience, not violence, was his only way out.

Unfortunately for Britannia, when she and on-again-off-again friend Marianne, another bad mother, were suddenly given a taste of their own medicine by Arminius, India made it clear that help in stopping Arminius’s harassment would only come in return for freedom.

During this time, Pakistan had been conceived, although strangely, only the father and his close family believed this. Britannia, already fighting off Arminius’s advances on the beaches, the landing grounds, the fields the streets and the hills, never even realised she was expecting.

When Arminius was finally beaten, Britannia gave India her independence, but also abandoned the still weak Pakistan twins next to her.

Sibling rivalry

The Pakistan twins were unusual in many of their mannerisms. They grew up speaking different languages, eating different food and strangely enough, looked nothing alike, even though both bore striking resemblances to the features and habits of their bigger brother. After a number of fights, Lady Liberty came by to help protect the young twins from their fear of a Siberian Bear attack from the north. Later, gaining new confidence, the twins got friendly with the Dragon to the north-east, and suddenly, after showing a dramatic improvement in attitude during their teens, the Pakistanis were seen as shining stars and models for, among others, the Korean twins.

Unfortunately, West had a dark secret: he would blackout for long stretches and lose his morality, and of course, there were daddy-issues. West wanted so much to remember his dad looking, sounding, and acting exactly like him, rather than Britannia and the others westerners he usually hung out with, that he painted a false portrait of him. Repeatedly looking at this false portrait may have made him delusional.

Around the same time family politics came in; West had been robbing East for years, and when East asked for his money back, West began beating the life out of East. Surprisingly, Liberty, Dragon and Bear did not intervene, and India helped East gain freedom from West’s abuse.

By now, East was so sick of West that he changed his name; he just couldn’t stand being associated with his brother. West had become a pariah; his family hated him, and his obsessions had made him oblivious to the trouble he was in. One fine day, after watching India play with firecrackers, he became desperate to get his own. Since that day, he has been eating grass to maintain his love for things that go ‘pop’.

However, it was the voices in his head that really derailed him. Now in his 30s, unpopular with his neighbours, and going through a midlife crisis, the once healthy West had slowly been weakened by a growing cancer, and was by now rewriting his health records to make the cancer look like a good thing.

Strangely enough, the Extreme Cancer grew despite the father’s belief that India was the one that would succumb to it.

After a neighbour was attacked by Bear, it fell victim to an aggressive new strain of the cancer thanks to West, although it did take the help of Liberty and the Konservative Sandy Aristocracy.

West was in denial over its ability to control its own cancer. It claimed to be healthy, when the world knew it was sick. It was hurting itself and claiming it was having fun. When it blew up six firecrackers, it built beautiful sculptures of rocks-that-may-or-may-not-look-like-Chagai-but-who-cares-its-just-a-rock, even though it could barely feed itself.

It wasn’t until Liberty came to conduct an ultimately disastrous surgery to remove one of the carcinogens from the neighbourhood that Pakistan realised the extent of its illness, though a worrying amount of time was now being spent convincing himself the cancer was a good thing, and to let it spread.

Though the last decade has seen the cancer attacking the brain, there is still hope. New research has shown that a massive cocktail of tolerance, reason, and honesty can cure the disease, and efforts are ongoing to make West (now known as just Pakistan), take his medication.

It’s up to you to make sure he does.