Eight fake Twitterati you need to follow

What do Zaid Hamid, Meera, the Queen of England, Mathira and Shahid Afridi have in common? They are hilarious!

Faisal Kapadia June 22, 2011
Twitter seems to have become the next big thing, after Facebook, for Pakistanis, or at least for the 20 million internet users in Pakistan. This is probably because Twitter allows unparalleled access to almost everyone on it - aside from the weirdos who have restricted timelines.

Twitter is exciting - almost all the superstars of politics, sports, culture, music and film are on it and you can speak to any of them, or at least, attempt to. Sometimes, they even answer back - nowhere else is this kind of power possible in Pakistan, unless you are a visa officer in the US consulate in Islamabad.

Recently, the social media site has become a lot livelier, with the advent of certain ‘phweeters’ (phony tweeters) of some of local celebrities. When I say ‘phweeter,’ I don't mean troll profiles that many of our so called media celebrities keep claiming are made in the hundreds to haunt them. I mean accounts that everyone knows are fake and are only made to poke some fun at the celebrity in question.

So from the many fake profiles making waves on Twitter, I present to you, my top 'phweeter' profile Must Follows.

1. Osama Bin Laden @osamabinladen

Description: Leader, al-Qaeda

Acitivity: 12 Tweets, 12 Following, 23,405 Followers, 313 Listed

The undisputed king of the phweeters - This account has not been active since 2008, maybe that’s when the guy in charge got bored or nabbed or rode away on a motorbike or fled to Abbottabad or whichever version you believe. It was a hoot while it lasted on Twitter and he was responsible for tweets like:
Hung over from drinking bad Pakistani... uh I mean Afghani... uh... "cave in an undisclosed location"-i liquor...

2. Meera @The_MeeraJee

Description: The Real Meera.. The Real Superstar.. The Real Human.. http://www.meeraonline.com

Activity: 398 Tweets, 418 Following, 2,909 Followers, 83 Listed

Beyond doubt a faux account all of us should be following. So funny and true to the personality it represents, it might even be real. Although there is another verified Meera account floating around (that one is completely boring) The_MeeraJee has golden words of wisdom for everyone following them for instance:
my mission is to finish all people in need form pakistan one day throw shafqat trust

3. Lal Mulla @lalbrofessor

Description: I be phamus Dean of Lal Masjid Unibhersity, Isloo! Myself Lal Maulana Abdul The Burkha

Activity: 2,333 Tweets, 442 Following, 1,028 Followers, 74Listed

The sinister and uber-funny self proclaimed dean of the Lal Masjid. This profile will not only brighten your day with its hilarity but will make sure you realise that the bearded ones are just about as easy to make fun of as we all are. Some of his goat tainted jewels include:
Oops. Sorry, too much cholay phor lunch todin. Plij maaf.. RT @MohsinTS: Wind picking up. Could the monsoons finally be upon us?

4. Elizabeth Windsor @Queen_UK

Description: By the Grace of God, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, wife to the DoE, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother (fictional) http://on.fb.me/jLP2Vj

Activity: 2,269 Tweets, 0 Following, 353,605 Followers, 4,006 Listed

The queen mother deserves a special place in our post colonially chipped timelines with her gin soaked theories and double entrandes some of which include some pretty crazy sub plots and focus on current affairs:
No, one shall not be buying Greece.

5. Nawaz Sharif @Naraz_Sharif

Description: I am two-time Prime Minister of Pakistan.

Activity: 150 Tweets, 12 Following, 68 Followers, 2 Listed

Has a politician from Pakistan ever inspired this much talk? By far the funniest politicians account from this region on Twitter (real or fake) with just 12 followers since it’s new. But, it is guaranteed to split your gut with tweets like:
And no I'll never buy iPhone again. All i's are big NOs. Including imran khan. Kim Barker #thatswhyursingle

6) Shahid Afridi @SkipperAfridi

Description: Your ******** Boom Boom and Cricket's ******* diplomat.

Activity: 238 Tweets, 0 Following, 1,424Followers, 27 Listed

This Phweeter is in your face just like the ex-skipper of our cricket team. He can be funny at times and has a solid following. However it is a bit too profane for my taste. Still, you know what they say about cricket? It aint a gentleman’s game no more.
Woh kehtay haina, jo hota hai achay ke liay hota hai. Ghalat kehtay hain ******! Butt, I'm coming to Lahore, ******, **!

7. Zaid Hamid @zaydhamid

Description: Both Ghazi and Qazi. Sometimes Namazi. Seena Peet Ke janbaazi http://www.brasstacks.org

Activity: 610 Tweets, 205 Following, 673 Followers, 16 Listed

This Zaid Hamid clone tries to make light of the radical ultra patriot by engaging in discourse in a manner only Zaid Hamid can. Ultra aware of every plot and every spook, this profile tries to make sense out of utter nonsense spewed by the original on prime time TV.
@javeednusrat I challenge Javed Nusrat to a fistfight. But he must come wearing shirt.

8. Mathira Mohammed @matheera

Description: I live to love and I love to live. Spreading love to my city Karachi all the time. Girlz are jealous of me, I dont blame them. xoxo

Activity: 23 Tweets, 15 Following, 296 Followers, 4 Listed

Exuding scandal like the real time Matheera, this profile is relatively new and needs to up its game as its coming across as too sweet to be anywhere close to the real one. Still it’s becoming popular and fast, and why not? Twitter loves scandals. Just ask Weiner!
I've hit the bed pakistan. smooch guujeeguujee

Follow these profiles to add some hilarity to your timeline.

Which Phweeters do you think should be on this list?
Faisal Kapadia A Karachi based writer who blogs at deadpanthoughts.com and tweets @faisalkapadia (https://twitter.com/faisalkapadia)
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.