Help! I'm in love with a divorcee
I am desperately in love with a guy who is not aware of my feelings for him. And he has 2 kids.
Dear Miss Informed,
I am desperately in love with a guy who is not aware of my feelings for him.
He is a divorcee with two kids who don’t live with him. Rumour has it that he is not willing to re-marry, but I don’t know how true this is.
For the past year and a half, I have been weighing the pros and cons about what life would be like with him – since marrying him means the children come along too.
But I am okay with this.
He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
How should I ask him about his marriage plans? He is a distant cousin and we are not close enough for me to ask him such a personal question.
Although he is on my Facebook, ours is a very formal friendship. We usually just discuss business.
I have discussed this with my family and they seem fine with the idea, but due to social restrictions I can't make the first move.
I am running out of time since I am moving to the US by the end of this year.
Should I say something?
I need your help.
Desperately in love
Dear Desperately in love,
Yours seems to be a classic case of infatuation. Relative or not, being Facebook friends with someone whose conversations with you are limited to business advice means that you barely know this person. Therefore, this feeling of “being in love” could just be curiosity mixed with attraction – not a solid foundation for you to be building the proverbial castle in the air.
Before you act upon this, there are several questions that need to be addressed.
Is he even interested in a second marriage?
He’s had one unsuccessful marriage and the rumour about his reluctance regarding another one may very well be true. Marriage scares a lot of men and a divorced man is much more likely to be hesitant about tying the knot than anyone else.
Why did he get divorced in the first place?
You may have heard the “his ex-wife was a hormonal cow” story from his family (your relatives) but you should understand that there is more to the story than the obvious – and no, I am not a paranoid aunty.
Find out his ex-beloved’s side of the story; did he abuse her? Is he an alcoholic? Did he cheat on her? Is he gay? Before you consider jumping into something serious, you need to consider what the grapevine is churning about this guy (or any guy you consider marrying for that matter).
While I agree that you shouldn’t believe everything you hear and your personal interaction with him is going to help you figure him out better than anything else; you shouldn’t completely dismiss what her family is saying about him.
Will he respond?
Show you are interested in a subtle way; try and meet him so you can have a face to face conversation. If he is willing to meet you (knowing that you are interested in being in a relationship with him), talk to him about his life and his plans and figure out if he is open to dating.
Do not ask him to marry you; it will be a premature move at this point given that neither of you knows each other very well.
Besides, your questions regarding his feeling towards you are mere speculations; you have no clue whether he is interested in getting married – to you or to anyone else.
Bottom line: there’s no harm in taking a chance and indicating that you are interested without using the words “marriage” and “love”. Remember, you are the one running out of time since you are leaving the country - not him. So think things through, and try to develop something more than a Facebook friendship.
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