The Good Life
Help! I'm in love with a divorcee

Help! I'm in love with a divorcee

I am desperately in love with a guy who is not aware of my feelings for him. And he has 2 kids.

Miss Informed March 21, 2011

Dear Miss Informed,

I am desperately in love with a guy who is not aware of my feelings for him.

He is a divorcee with two kids who don’t live with him. Rumour has it that he is not willing to re-marry, but I don’t know how true this is.

For the past year and a half, I have been weighing the pros and cons about what life would be like with him – since marrying him means the children come along too.

But I am okay with this.

He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

How should I ask him about his marriage plans? He is a distant cousin and we are not close enough for me to ask him such a personal question.

Although he is on my Facebook, ours is a very formal friendship. We usually just discuss business.

I have discussed this with my family and they seem fine with the idea, but due to social restrictions I can't make the first move.

I am running out of time since I am moving to the US by the end of this year.

Should I say something?

I need your help.

Sincere regards,

Desperately in love

*************************************************************

Dear Desperately in love,

Yours seems to be a classic case of infatuation. Relative or not, being Facebook friends with someone whose conversations with you are limited to business advice means that you barely know this person. Therefore, this feeling of “being in love” could just be curiosity mixed with attraction – not a solid foundation for you to be building the proverbial castle in the air.

Before you act upon this, there are several questions that need to be addressed.

Is he even interested in a second marriage?

He’s had one unsuccessful marriage and the rumour about his reluctance regarding another one may very well be true. Marriage scares a lot of men and a divorced man is much more likely to be hesitant about tying the knot than anyone else.

Why did he get divorced in the first place?

You may have heard the “his ex-wife was a hormonal cow” story from his family (your relatives) but you should understand that there is more to the story than the obvious – and no, I am not a paranoid aunty.

Find out his ex-beloved’s side of the story; did he abuse her? Is he an alcoholic? Did he cheat on her? Is he gay? Before you consider jumping into something serious, you need to consider what the grapevine is churning about this guy (or any guy you consider marrying for that matter).

While I agree that you shouldn’t believe everything you hear and your personal interaction with him is going to help you figure him out better than anything else; you shouldn’t completely dismiss what her family is saying about him.

Will he respond?

Show you are interested in a subtle way; try and meet him so you can have a face to face conversation. If he is willing to meet you (knowing that you are interested in being in a relationship with him), talk to him about his life and his plans and figure out if he is open to dating.

Do not ask him to marry you; it will be a premature move at this point given that neither of you knows each other very well.

Besides, your questions regarding his feeling towards you are mere speculations; you have no clue whether he is interested in getting married – to you or to anyone else.

Bottom line: there’s no harm in taking a chance and indicating that you are interested without using the words “marriage” and “love”. Remember, you are the one running out of time since you are leaving the country - not him. So think things through, and try to develop something more than a Facebook friendship.

Do you have a problem that you can’t solve all by your lonesome? Miss Informed is here to help! E-mail her at informed.sorta@gmail.com

WRITTEN BY:
Miss Informed A Karachi-based social guru who will help untangle all the complex questions life throws your way. Ask Miss Informed for advice on romance, work, family or even how to make the perfect pumpkin pie!

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

COMMENTS (31)

Bionic Girl | 12 years ago | Reply @Patakha: Nah no offence taken, you're right but i admit i am getting too desperate for him. nah i didnt speak to his friends. according to usa law, if they couple gets separated the kids under 12 go with mom

Patakha | 12 years ago | Reply bionic: i have noticed that bionic ure ignoring the main aspect of the problem which many people have mentioned. why did he let go of his kids? why dint he ask to keep them even though his wife whose a foreigner got back with her ex boyfriend. doesnt he care about his children and their security? dont ignore all this children mean more than anything in the world. and also all u care abt his approaching him have u spoken to his friends and try to know abt his feeling before directly approaching, it seems all u want is to get married to him.. i agree ur parents would know him since his bachpan but now he is a divorceee for whatever reason he isnt interested in u u cant throw urself at him.. take care no offense

VIEW MORE COMMENTS

Nobody | 12 years ago | Reply @bobster: Thanks for the laugh (due to your tone, not your content). Friendly advice: get some new friends. Cheers.

Sumair | 13 years ago | Reply Good luck to you!!

Bionic Girl | 13 years ago | Reply @Ayub Hafeez: thanks Ayub I shall try to do that :( @ ajnabi: his wife asked for divorce to live with her ex-english boyfriend!

Ayub Hafeez | 13 years ago | Reply Let him know about your feelings before the time turn it into a past story.

Ajnabi | 13 years ago | Reply 1st you should know why he is Divorcee? If he can break a sound relation even with two kids, then Is he still OK to be loved and to be lived with? I had seen a TV drama which had an idea that a couple was going to separate and even husband said TALAQ once but before calling 2nd & 3rd time, the wife asked to stop and claimed that Tutu belongs to her only but husband refused and said that Tutu is his. This discussion was going on and suddenly a neighbor came and asked that What/who is Tutu. The woman said that She is pregnant and Tutu is the name of their prospective child. That Tutu compelled them to live together and not to separate. In your case, that man has two Tutus but he broke the relation. Just think about it.

Anisa Ahmad-Zaid | 13 years ago | Reply this reminds me of Aunty Agni. Good attempt. But please try to give it a more interesting touch

Bionic Girl | 13 years ago | Reply @SS: I will surely take up ur advice. My sincere prayers r with u.I must say u r a brave lady! Dear All: how should i approach him, like what should i say to him?

SS | 13 years ago | Reply Getting married is very easy, getting divorced is the most difficult thing that can happen. It doesnt matter whose fault it was, both sides get mentally stressed. In my case, even though abuse and cheating was there and divorcing him was my decision, still i feel sad whenever i look at my past. The same goes for your cousin. He doesnt show interest in marriage and that is completely understandable. Divorce takes so much energy out of you that for sensitive people its very hard to move on. If you feel that he is a nice guy, there is no harm in approaching him yourself. If you cant do it, ask any of your siblings or cousins to do it on your behalf. Just suggest your name to him and see if he takes interest. Better is, if you talk to him yourself. This is the 21st century. But again, please do try to find out a little what happened. People can have two faces, im sorry but i just want to give good advice to you. There is no harm in approaching him but do it with caution. Your own happiness comes first then anything else.

Billoo Bhaya | 13 years ago | Reply @bobster: I like your response. So true that married woman sleep around more than men, who are earning doe at work all day. I have had lots of chances but never took them up because I am and have been in love with only one person, my wife.

yaarku | 13 years ago | Reply bionic gal go ahead, you are the best judge and if u feel comfortable u need not to ask anyone except ur family and close friends but do keep some room for a NO from his side so that u are not hurt if he says it...marrying cousin is the best/worst option... forget about the traditions of society and the culture, u make ur move, may be he is silent or pretend to be not interested in marriage because he is afraid that no one will accept him or because of the society culture traditions etc, so ur move may make things easy for him too...dont waste time other wise u dont want to create a indian movies scene , running back from the plane to meet your lover and all the drama

Bionic Girl | 13 years ago | Reply @Media Mouse: OMG thanksssssssssssssssssss i will definitely pursue ur advice, u have boosted my spirits. thnaku thankuuuuuu

Hussam | 13 years ago | Reply This is like a bad episode of The Bold And The Beautiful.

Ven | 13 years ago | Reply For godsake he is your cousin....why do u wanna marry ur cousin? Are there no other men in the country?...Besides having kids with ur cousin can cause problems to your kids....Think about the future of the kids atleast.

Media Mouse | 13 years ago | Reply Barring the last paragraph, I hate the advice you have given this woman. I am pretty sure you are either unmarried, have never dated, or is married to a hand-picked resume your parents picked out for you. No one who has ever fallen in love, been in love, fought for a love or has bravely chosen against our societies norms would ever have such a judgmental attitude about falling in love with a divorced man. And what is up with your uber negative tone? You are writing back to someone you don't know - not to a long lost friend. I feel you need to seriously reconsider the way you address the people who bring their issues to you. And while you're at it, kindly leave your own domestic baggage at home (you are very bitter and its very obvious in your writing). Maybe this letter hit a nerve? I don't know. I don't even know you but you bugged me. Now, let me try to do your job for you. Dear Desperately in Love, I say definitely get to know this man, but don't go in with these twisted judgy views that the writer is trying to put in your head - or else this man you love does not have a fair shot. You should get to know him FIRST and then do your Intel - this way you have his side of the story before his/your and his ex-wifes family taint your opinion of him. In my experience, if someone does not want to get married again - its usually because they got hurt so badly the first time they have given up hope of finding a compatible companion. Go easy, be a friend - maybe when you speak to him you'll realize you have little in common with him after all. But, please remember that you are an ADULT and its YOUR life, not your Mom's, his Mom's or Miss Informed's. A divorcee's ex-in-laws will never have anything positive to say about them - so why bother with that route - and they all say the man was GAY. Totally crazy. And don't waste time with the grapevine either - a divorce is ugly, messy and brutal. Its not pretty. If you want my sincerest advice, and this worked for me too - meet him without knowing a thing about it and explain to him that if you had wanted you could have investigated tirelessly (and women can do this tirelessly) and endlessly into his background - but you didn't - because you always had a good feeling about him so you wanted to give him a fair shot to level with you. He will appreciate this. Once you know his side - you can still do the research. We are Pakistani women, our families do Intel without our even knowing it. But, at least this way you will earn his respect and perhaps have a shot at a real love. Send him a faceboook message or start commenting on articles or messages he puts up. Make yourself noticeable to him by being involved in his interests. Then perhaps one day when your relationship isn't so formal you may feel brave enough to make a coffee plan. Remember coffee is the gateway drug - it leads to lunches and dinners!! Good Luck. Your welcome.

Agonised Uncle | 13 years ago | Reply @Bionic Behn: +++ 'Find out his ex-love's side of the story.' Wow! What a sterling recommendation that is going to be. There is a reason why such columns are written by 'Agony Aunts', after all. +++ Yaar! Amreeka jao. Wahan hazaroon achche desi milenge. Also, if you are going to adamant to marry him, suggest you read the book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov before you do anything drastic. (Ab bhi waqt hai, ke nikaah ki taarikh mukkammil ho gayee hai? :)) +++ "and u know how foreigners r like. they never accept our religion or our culture and after 4 or 5 yrs they get bored of our ‘handsome Pakistani men’ and just buzz off" Really? So, they should expect our religion and culture. How about being accepting regardless? This frankly, betrays immaturity and prejudice. And if not, then at least, it shows that you have very strong likes and dislikes. This is evident from your other responses in this thread. Either way, it is a window into your personality. It is best that you should really take a good deal of thinking over this decision. Because, otherwise this might be your first divorce, but will be the second divorce for your love. +++ Tumhara, Agonised Uncle.

Ikramuddin Akbar | 13 years ago | Reply Final words for u. Let him know u want him as a husband, if u don't want to say directly involve someone u trust most.If he agrees , don't waste time just go under his nikah, things will get settled itself . and of course children will not come to live with u if it happens make them your friends. You never mentioned his habits his activities his attitude so i am sorry i did'nt get much help once again the fact that u know him well.

parvez | 13 years ago | Reply Is the use of the handle Miss Informed a deliberate choice because misinformed immediatly comes to mind and that does not sit well.

Bionic Girl | 13 years ago | Reply @Ikramuddin Akbar: I have no words to thanku. Ok i will try to muster enough strength to speak my ind, but don't u think that it's 'the man's territory' ok if i should make the move then how should i ask him lik his plans for settlement and then how should i propose him???

Ikramuddin Akbar | 13 years ago | Reply @Ikramuddin Akbar: Dear miss! I wonder where do shyness and wiseness stand in an strong and most beautifull and blessed agreement and matter of lifetime association as husband and wife . why you worry about his reaction you should speak your mind its his test. That's why in Islam my religion every man and woman has right to ask an eligible partner inviting in marriage. there is no shame in it don't take any help from any where just ask him directly that you want to live with him as his wife . You will know the answer right there. as i said earlier in a matter be it after and before marriage only the persons involved know better what their heart say . so listen very carefully you will get the answer. Be a strong woman.My best wishes are with you.

Bionic Girl | 13 years ago | Reply @ Ikram: thanks alot for ur words, i know the responsibilities that a man and a woman need to take before tieing the knot, i just wanna know how to let a man make aware of your feelings.Traditional, established pakistani men, how to make them realize that they are wanted again by someone who is so shy and forgets everything in his presence.how would an eastern man react if he is proposed by a woman in 2nd meeting.

Ikramuddin Akbar | 13 years ago | Reply In fact no one can help break a marriage and no one can help a man or a woman to tie a knot with.Its purely a man and a women who know deep down what they want with each other. It is not necessary that second marriage of every man fails. second time he becomes more responsible and has learned to treat a woman as wife .I know many women who are very happy with men who were previously married once. Its up to a man and a woman to carry on their married life successfully. If that lady is intelligent she can give love to those children too and in return receive unexpected love and respect from his husband.again no so my advice is that she must marry his man of dream and act wisely.

The Only Normal Person Here. | 13 years ago | Reply Miss informed I am your fan.

BB | 13 years ago | Reply @SS: OMG I sympathize with you. Hate such men

bionicgirl05@gmail.com | 13 years ago | Reply Dear guys thanks for your respone I really appreciate ur words. Some of u may find it absurd but only i can understand this feeling of helplessness, how should i let him know. if he were an outsider i would have taken a bold step like hey what r ur plans to get married or even hey i like u and it's about time i married so what ab u and i ...?? but yeh khandan ka mamla hai :*((((( Bobster: yes i absolutely agree with u: he is not a gay or a cheat or bla bla, he married a foreigner and u know how foreigners r like. they never accept our religion or our culture and after 4 or 5 yrs they get bored of our 'handsome Pakistani men' and just buzz off Dear ALL and Misinformed: it may be an infatuation, but I waited for years to feel so brave to be on the verge of proposing this guy, had it not been him I wouldnt have known how it feels to be 'deperately in love' :(

saira saba | 13 years ago | Reply wondering what we are promoting by such blogs ??

SS | 13 years ago | Reply Well i agree with the advice. You should try to find out the other side of the story. I divorced my ex husband a year ago and he is marrying a nice girl from a good family. And she knows nothing about his severe abuse that put me into hospital several times or his multiple affairs or his greediness. I feel sorry for her but cant warn her because ive been threatened before to keep my mouth shut. So, please try to find out the real story.

XoXo | 13 years ago | Reply Waoo Amazing Girl. m Amazed girls like you do exist in this selfish world. Wish you all the very best. My suggestion is that Pleas go for it let him know what you really feel for him do express your feeling for him, who knows what will be there for you. but if you didnt for the rest of your life you will keep thinking and will surely regret that " what if i express my feeling to him"

samsar | 13 years ago | Reply if he is a cousin (2nd ) cousin ,,there is nothing wrong in talking with him as whn u do this ull hav understanding with him and u can also know how he is and is he really interested in getting married for the second time??? take ur first step dont??? this will clear many things :)

bobster | 13 years ago | Reply ok i have a big issue with whoever wrote this. why men have to be a cheat or a wife beater and above all why gay. aeens like a gay wrote this. men dont have to be a cheat wife beater or gay to leave his wife. wife couldve been loose. she could have been tbe type who beats up men. she could have been a lesbian. kibdly weigh everything before u people go n label men as cheats n gays. i have mant friends who sleep with married woman with children whos husbanfs are away. in out society these days woman sleep round more than man.

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