Nawaz Sharif going once.. going twice!

I started digging for more items to sell but the sheer enormity of the dead weight pulling down on our lives broke me.

Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif was recently put on sale on eBay by one frustrated Pakistani who was sick of all the nuisances cluttering up his life.

The move was applauded by many world over but mostly in Pakistan, and it occurred to me that this ‘spring-cleaning’ of our country should continue well beyond the realm of prime ministers that have time and again failed to deliver.

Here are ‘for sale’ advertisements for other aspects of Pakistan:

1. The judiciary

Sindh High CourtPhoto: Online

The corrupt judiciary is only good for long marches and works with a special starter key of either monetary or political clout. The source of entertainment is reliable (even without the key) because the whole thing erupts like a pack of wild animals if disturbed, but be sure to only poke with a long stick or some suitable implement that will keep you at arm’s length because it bites. The product is useless as a guard animal as it’s extremely fickle.  *Starter key not included.

2. Full set of Federal and Provincial Assemblies (*complete attendance not guaranteed)

Punjab AssemblyPhoto: Online

Here is a special mind blowing offer on all five assemblies. The set has three modes of operation: debates on nonsensical issues, incoherent yelling of foul words in Urdu and every regional language and walkouts. Impossible to select modes at any particular time, but excellent language learning tool for young children (my nephew can now say ‘Wh***’ in Sindhi and Punjabi). It’s not very good for anything else and takes up a lot of closet space. Prayers are an acceptable mode of payment.

3. ‘Dr’Amir Liaqat

Sex symbol, Dr Aamir Liaqat HussainPhoto: Online

I bought this because the box also contained a really provocative female robot voice, but the voice only knows one sentence and it refuses to flirt with anyone but the good doctor. Hoped that the doctor’s weird clothes would still make a good conversational piece, but he keeps yelling and jumping up and down. Has the tendency to insult people for no good reason. A parrot can do the same, but it’s harder to teach a bird to say “Dr Sahab, ab bas bhi karain” (Doctor, please stop now), with exactly the right inflection. Sexy, female robot voice not sold separately.

4. Cable news

Politician A accuses Politician B and his party of rampant corruption, mismanagement, theft, coupled with whatever is the soup of the dayPhoto: Imaan Shaikh

Has a knack for emitting a constant stream of frantic yelling and Bollywood music (not sure how that counts as news). My cousin could connect it to a laptop and use some kind of DJ wizardry to combine the music and the yelling into catchy dance beats, but he has moved to Canada now. If you understand how that works then you can have it for all the years of my life that I’m never getting back.

5. The religious right

Anti-domestic violence law to protect women is un-Islamic, Pakistani advisory group rulesPhoto: AFP

My parents got this to teach us about Islam, morality, tolerance and how to be a good human being, but I think it’s broken because it doesn’t do either of those things. It completely ignores my brother and screeches at me if I so much as move a muscle. Excellent as waste disposal; for example, give it an apple and say “this apple is against Sharia”, then watch it tear the apple apart into a million little pieces. Reason for sale: a paper shredder is less noisy.

6. Morning show hosts

Morning TV shows are all identicalPhoto: File

This set of 1,000 dolled up women used to be good at keeping irritating viewers occupied, but now they’re giving them far too many stupid ideas (like its okay for an adult to play celebrity guessing games). If you run a mental asylum, you can use it to occupy the patients, since asylum attendants have straitjackets handy if things get too rowdy.

7. Punjab Police

Those Police officers who were able to reduce waists by two to four inches will be given another chance.Photo: Online

This is literally good for nothing. Not one thing. The main reason for selling is that maybe someone else could use it for target practice or to prop up furniture. Willing to exchange for a Doberman or Alsatian.

I’d put up more items for sale but once I started digging, the sheer enormity of the dead weight pulling down on our lives broke me. I’ve set everything on fire and am moving to the mountains to live as a hermit. I’ll have Wi-Fi for as long as it takes to sell the above.

Let the bidding begin.