Who would win the ultimate dance-off between Shoaib and Yuvraj?

We need to win my fellow Pakistanis. Because let’s face it, if this was a cricket match, we’d probably lose.

Sakina Hassan July 27, 2015
An event of momentous importance has occurred and, as is usual with the more earth shaking happenings, has been completely ignored. One might suspect a cover-up by the intelligence agencies because why, for the love of all that is holy, is no one talking about this?

Shoaib Malik has challenged Yuvraj Singh to a dance-off.

Ladies and gentlemen, the gauntlet has been thrown. The reputation of our country is at stake. Two cricket legends (and-a-tennis-player-meh-nobody-cares) face off on the dance pitch. Or is it the cricket floor? The English language is not prepared for this. No one is prepared for this.

We need to win my fellow Pakistanis. Because let’s face it, if this was a cricket match, we’d probably lose. It is about time that our players looked into alternate careers and what better way to stay in the spotlight than shaking your booty with your (not so famous) wife on the internet.

Private channels, take note, this could be turned into the television event of the century. It’ll have to happen in collaboration with Bollywood, because we do not have the star power for something like this. Shah Rukh Khan and Saif Ali Khan could host the whole thing and tell crass jokes about everyone except the Bachans. We could put in a few item numbers as entrees to the main event, with Pakistani women in racy outfits right alongside their Indian sisters, because women can’t do anything else to illicit comment.  Then we could top it all off with a fireworks display once the winning team is announced.

Speaking of teams, Shoaib is married to what’s-her-name, so we’ll need a partner for Yuvraj as well. To keep things fair, she ought to be Pakistani. He doesn’t have to be married to his partner, does he? Maybe he does, but that could be arranged right? That’s what social media trends are for. I nominate Mathira. Because if he does marry her, then she’ll move to India and it’ll be a load off of every ghairatmand Pakistanis’ mind.

Now, everyone knows Pakistanis cannot dance. Singing is what we really excel at. The pact has been sealed however, so we’ll just have to look to other ways of winning. What? You didn’t know there were other ways to win? What planet are you from? It’s not about the dancing, it’s about the entertainment!

Mrs Malik must be dressed in the least amount of glittery fabric (with LEDs) and if Shoaib feels uncomfortable about it, he can call a press conference or something afterwards and say that he hated doing it, really. It went against every moral fibre in his being but he’d already signed a contract. Hamza Ali Abbasi tried it and everything turned out okay for him.

Where were we?

Ah yes, winning.

The outfits must be designed by a famous Pakistani designer. We could have all of them compete like they did for the PIA uniform. Two momentous social events (hyperventilates in a corner).

And then the dance number itself must have the most mind-boggling effects CGI can come up with. We need to distract the judges from Pakistan’s complete lack of dancing skills at any cost. How about the Dettol warriors appear in a cameo? No, wait, the Dettol warriors and Commander Safeguard battle it out for anti-bacterial supremacy while the Maliks pirouette in the back ground.

How can we have CGI at a live event? Listen honey, Indians and Pakistanis, we don’t really like each other, okay. Imagine what would happen if we put a few thousand together in a stadium and the team that half of the screaming masses was supporting, lost.

The Indians would set everything on fire and the Pakistanis would blow themselves up. It’s not safe. So we film everything, edit it, pretend we have a live audience and then televise it for the world to see. People have been fooled before.

All these ideas are copyright by the way. I am willing to sell the rights for the ‘India-Pakistan Cricket Dance-Off That Has No Cricket’ to GEO for a reasonable sum as long as Aamir Liaquat promises to close the whole event with a song and some tap dance.

Also if Yuvraj wants to be a part of this, he has to have the Indian cricket team come play in Pakistan.

What? Did I forget the judges? I don’t know man. I can’t think of everything. Is Simon Cowell free?

Sakina out!
Sakina Hassan The author is currently studying for an Mphil degree at the Centre of Excellence in Solid State Physics.
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.


Rizvi | 6 years ago | Reply "Because let’s face it, if this was a cricket match, we’d probably lose." you don't know anything about cricket do you?
Aslam Khan | 6 years ago | Reply Hey, good piece, but that 'wife' is more famous than both the pretenders put together :)
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