Confessions of a liar

I remember looking into your eyes and seeing ambition, aim and desires. That look on your face haunts me to this day.

I’m sorry but I had to impress you. I had to put up my best act to make sure you fall for it, compare me to other men you knew and conclude that I am the best.

I always felt inferior to you.

People around you made me feel vulnerable and insecure. There was an aura of romance and sensuality about you, I was bare. You were beautiful, I wasn’t. You had friends, I had responsibilities. You had money, I had dreams.

Can I blame my insecurities for what I did?

I felt I had to compete to get you and so I decided to cheat.

Will you take that as a genuine excuse?

I lied to you just to get closer to you, just to understand you better so I could feel your presence and proudly own a piece of your existence.

I needed protection, even from you. I never let my guard down. I had to make sure my intentions remained hidden and you never found out about me. I was always looking for a place where I could breathe freely and be myself. I’m sorry but at times even you suffocated me. I wanted to run away but the sense of owning you always stopped me. I always said,

“I am what I am.”

But I wasn’t.

I was faking things, telling you tales that never happened, things that never existed and people that never mattered. You were innocent enough to fall for this trap.

What started as a lustful game born out of a desperate outlook on life soon turned into a vicious cycle; a cycle that has trapped me inside my own guilt.

I feel hollow, empty and alone.

Have you forgiven me?

Do you remember those lovely moments when I filled your heart with hope and your mind with dreams? Please don’t call me a fraud, I am not one. I was blinded by the fact that I wanted you.

Call me selfish but not a fraud, please!

I hope you have not stopped dreaming. I remember looking into your eyes; I saw ambition, aim and desires. That look on your face haunts me to this day. The mere thought of facing you scares me. I am still vulnerable and weak. The person you knew never existed or maybe he ceased to exist the day you found out that he was a mere illusion.

Character is defined as the ‘inherent complex of attributes that determines a person’s moral and ethical actions and reactions’.

Should you blame my character?

No, please let me free... free me of my guilt and my sin.

I blame the situation. I met the right person at the wrong time.

I left you because I had no choice. I had to move on. I had to end this game and to end it I had to end you.

I’m sorry but let’s blame the circumstances. You knew how I could manipulate things. You knew my ‘secrets’.

You had to go, my dear love, you knew way too much about me.

You could have warned people. It would have been scandalous. Never in their wildest dreams could people have imagined me to be a fraud, cheat or sinner.

I care for you my beautiful love and the only way to protect you was to silence you.

I hope it wasn’t painful.

Oh dear... it hurts so much to think of it now, to recall those times. You were lying helplessly on the floor. Your hands tied, begging me to set you free. You were trembling and asking me questions. I know what you wanted; you wanted to know why you deserved this.

Your crime was that you knew way too much.

I remember your eyes. They were blank, except for a hint of sorrow and a fear of death.

Now do you understand how it feels to be terrorised?

Now do you know how much it hurts to be bound by the shackles of guilt, not being able to move, trapped and finding no escape?

You made me live like that for too long. Now it was your turn to pay.

I was the master and you were my slave, but you must agree that I made it painless. I was swift and kept things clean.

I set you free... free from your misery and my life.

You had choices but you never cared for me. I cared for you and I still do.

Even after setting you free I protected you. I have kept you hidden from this savage world. You are resting in peace but here I am, living with this guilt that you still haven’t forgiven me.

Will you forgive me now that I have set you free?

Please, please forgive me now…

I deserve it now…

I hope you still dream…