6 Pakistani species of crazy, maddening brides-to-be

“Lady, you need to quit worrying about the girls in his life. You have already managed to trap the poor guy!”

Rakshinda Mujeeb November 05, 2013
Wedding season is upon us and love is in the air. Every girl dreams of her fairytale wedding from the day her mother utters these kind words of wisdom,
“Susral ja kar naak mat katva daina!”

(Don’t embarrass us when you go to your in-laws house!)

Don’t get me wrong, I love being online, but it is thanks to these social networks that we are constantly bombarded by overexcited, overanxious brides who take great pains to keep everyone updated on how they are managing their pre-wedding day jitters.

Frankly speaking dear brides, we aren't interested in the unwanted ‘sneak peek’ of every lovey-dovey moment that you encounter in the days before your big day, or the superfluous arguments you claim to have had.

Here are some of the brides I have come across on social media, and here is where we let the bride bashing begin!

1. The hyper bride

This species of brides is often seen posting ‘countdown’ statuses on any social media platform they can get their hands on. Their posts inevitably read something like this:
“10 days left to my BIG day guys... ahhhh!”

“4 days to go... sooooo excited!!!!”

“Shopping for the big day! Best. Feeling. Ever!!”

It’s even more hilarious because in most cases, the hubby-to-be is tagged in the über excited post. I can imagine this gives our already nervous, knight-in-shining armour, cold feet as he starts thinking,
“Haye! Main kahan phasnay ja raha hun?”

(Gosh, where have I gotten myself stuck?)

My take:

Woman, you need to relax! Getting married really is not rocket science and people have actually been doing it for centuries. Seriously, there is no need for a blow-by-blow countdown!

2. The Bollywood influenced bride

No, this is not a rare species and can be found in numerous Pakistani families. These girls dream of the perfect, larger-than-life wedding ceremony, the highlight of which of course, is the mehndi day.

How could it be anything but that?

They beg and cajole cousins and friends to practice dance performances while secretly practising dance moves themselves as well, so that if someone ‘happens to pull them up’ (it has to seem spontaneous of course) onto the dance floor, they know the groove.

I even know of some brides who forced the hubby-to-be to follow dance videos on YouTube.

My take:

Girl, you really shouldn’t have spent so much time watching Karan Johar movies.

3. The researcher bride

This species will be seen posting strange questions to salon pages on social networks, like:
“Does the Valima package include a facial?”

“Is a ‘mani-pedi’ inclusive of the wedding services?”

 “Rose Beauty Parlor mein tou sirf Rs10,000 ka makeup hai, phir aap kyun double le rahay hain?”

(Rose Beauty Parlour charges only Rs10,000 for bridal makeup, then why are you charging double the price?)

My take:

Salon managers, please block these data collection brides, at least from your social pages.

4. The obnoxious bride

This species takes its inspiration from the Star Plus villains. They invite almost everyone in their circle and in their ‘circle’s circles’, but fight over inviting the groom’s female friends, saying,
 “Atif tou mera bachpan ka dost hai, tum Saleema ko kyun bula rahay ho?”

(Atif is my childhood friend, why are you inviting Saleema?)

My take:

Lady, you need to quit worrying about the girls in his life. You have already managed to trap the poor guy remember?

5. The anorexic bride

This bride takes a confirmation from no less than three people as to how many calories a cake rusk contains, before gobbling it down with orange juice. These brides literally starve themselves to look like model Fayezah Ansari, on their wedding day.

My take:

Please, please stick to this regime after marriage as well, and don’t turn into female versions of Bappi Lehri (enormous jewellery plus the giant mass) like most Pakistani women!

6. The desperate hormonal bride

This bride takes it upon herself to inform everyone from the husband-to-be himself to everyone on her friends’ list, his friends’ list, her ‘followers’, his ‘followers’ – pretty much everyone they know – that she misses him and can’t wait to begin her life with him.

To top it off, she even tags the hotel that the couple is staying in on their wedding night, regardless of whether it is 1am or 4am!

My take:

My dear, why waste so much time in publishing your entire life on Facebook? Instead, check the hotel for hidden cameras!
WRITTEN BY:
Rakshinda Mujeeb
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

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COMMENTS (47)

Nobody | 6 years ago | Reply | Recommend After reading some of the comments, another thing occurred to me. While it's understandable that people are excited about the big day and want to celebrate it and/or announce it to everyone yada yada, for a lot of people (particularly on the subcontinent) it's become about putting on a show, not the personal celebration. I've heard countless stories about families bankrupting themselves to get their daughter's jewelry, clothes, fancy venue, etc etc only for fear of the answer to that dreaded question if they don't: log kya kahaengay? Susral kya sochingay? Instead of WANTING to celebrate it as a personal milestone, the approach is all about selling the clothes off your own back for the sake of pleasing the people you plan to invite to said celebration. The problem lies with the amount of importance given to weddings and the price people are willing to pay for it, not the fact that it's considered important or celebration worthy at all. Yes it's important, yes it's a big day and yes those who want to announce each detail to everyone in the social media world have a right to do so, but is it worth spending money one doesn't have on? Or putting yourself in debt for it? This question I'm asking would be irrelevant were it not as common on the subcontinent as it is, and frighteningly more so. The stores about dowry-related disasters and in-law expectations should be a thing of the past now, but sadly, they're not. Still very much a reality in our society and I hate that people are put under pressure to do things a certain way. Those who can't afford or simply don't desire a blow-out wedding shouldn't HAVE to have one, just as people who DO dream about it, silly as it may seem to some of us (i.e. me), have the right to do so as well. Went off topic with this rant. Cheers.
Nobody | 6 years ago | Reply | Recommend As I've stated before, it is most certainly an important day, but not one worth revolving everything else around. And all of what you said can be achieved without the self-inflicted stress often endured by wedding planners, i.e. brides, and sometimes grooms as well. You seem to be struggling to understand what I wrote as you have missed the point. Beg pardon, but have I given you the impression that I think it should be prohibited for someone to dream about their wedding day...? Or that it's a problem for ME personally if they don't? You stated, "'some of you' don't do it, that's not 'our' propblem." Right you are. Have I said it should be? I believe not. I don't like being grouped into one category as the author has done so in this blog. Her statement that ALL girls dream of their fairy tale wedding is incorrect, and I pointed out just that. If you choose to dream about your fairy tale wedding or prince charming's white horse, by all means you're free to do just that. The assumption that EVERYONE does that is what I have a problem with. Happy wedding dreaming and cheers.
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