6 Pakistani species of crazy, maddening brides-to-be
“Lady, you need to quit worrying about the girls in his life. You have already managed to trap the poor guy!”
Wedding season is upon us and love is in the air. Every girl dreams of her fairytale wedding from the day her mother utters these kind words of wisdom,
“Susral ja kar naak mat katva daina!”
(Don’t embarrass us when you go to your in-laws house!)
Don’t get me wrong, I love being online, but it is thanks to these social networks that we are constantly bombarded by overexcited, overanxious brides who take great pains to keep everyone updated on how they are managing their pre-wedding day jitters.
Frankly speaking dear brides, we aren't interested in the unwanted ‘sneak peek’ of every lovey-dovey moment that you encounter in the days before your big day, or the superfluous arguments you claim to have had.
Here are some of the brides I have come across on social media, and here is where we let the bride bashing begin!
1. The hyper bride
This species of brides is often seen posting ‘countdown’ statuses on any social media platform they can get their hands on. Their posts inevitably read something like this:
“10 days left to my BIG day guys... ahhhh!”
“4 days to go... sooooo excited!!!!”
“Shopping for the big day! Best. Feeling. Ever!!”
It’s even more hilarious because in most cases, the hubby-to-be is tagged in the über excited post. I can imagine this gives our already nervous, knight-in-shining armour, cold feet as he starts thinking,
“Haye! Main kahan phasnay ja raha hun?”
(Gosh, where have I gotten myself stuck?)
Woman, you need to relax! Getting married really is not rocket science and people have actually been doing it for centuries. Seriously, there is no need for a blow-by-blow countdown!
2. The Bollywood influenced bride
No, this is not a rare species and can be found in numerous Pakistani families. These girls dream of the perfect, larger-than-life wedding ceremony, the highlight of which of course, is the mehndi day.
How could it be anything but that?
They beg and cajole cousins and friends to practice dance performances while secretly practising dance moves themselves as well, so that if someone ‘happens to pull them up’ (it has to seem spontaneous of course) onto the dance floor, they know the groove.
I even know of some brides who forced the hubby-to-be to follow dance videos on YouTube.
Girl, you really shouldn’t have spent so much time watching Karan Johar movies.
3. The researcher bride
This species will be seen posting strange questions to salon pages on social networks, like:
“Does the Valima package include a facial?”
“Is a ‘mani-pedi’ inclusive of the wedding services?”
“Rose Beauty Parlor mein tou sirf Rs10,000 ka makeup hai, phir aap kyun double le rahay hain?”
(Rose Beauty Parlour charges only Rs10,000 for bridal makeup, then why are you charging double the price?)
Salon managers, please block these data collection brides, at least from your social pages.
4. The obnoxious bride
This species takes its inspiration from the Star Plus villains. They invite almost everyone in their circle and in their ‘circle’s circles’, but fight over inviting the groom’s female friends, saying,
“Atif tou mera bachpan ka dost hai, tum Saleema ko kyun bula rahay ho?”
(Atif is my childhood friend, why are you inviting Saleema?)
Lady, you need to quit worrying about the girls in his life. You have already managed to trap the poor guy remember?
5. The anorexic bride
This bride takes a confirmation from no less than three people as to how many calories a cake rusk contains, before gobbling it down with orange juice. These brides literally starve themselves to look like model Fayezah Ansari, on their wedding day.
Please, please stick to this regime after marriage as well, and don’t turn into female versions of Bappi Lehri (enormous jewellery plus the giant mass) like most Pakistani women!
6. The desperate hormonal bride
This bride takes it upon herself to inform everyone from the husband-to-be himself to everyone on her friends’ list, his friends’ list, her ‘followers’, his ‘followers’ – pretty much everyone they know – that she misses him and can’t wait to begin her life with him.
To top it off, she even tags the hotel that the couple is staying in on their wedding night, regardless of whether it is 1am or 4am!
My dear, why waste so much time in publishing your entire life on Facebook? Instead, check the hotel for hidden cameras!