I'm not bipolar, I'm not manic, I'm not depressed - I'm not!
My mind is shattering, but that's okay - my smile is wide and everyone loves me.
A big hello to my fans and haters – it’s been a while!
Unlike my usual cutting-edge rants and raves, I’ve dedicated this post to an issue I am familiar with: hypomania, with a healthy dose of generalised anxiety that has come to dominate my life – and yes, maybe that explains why my blogs are just so amazing.
I’ve been to over 10 psychiatrists and counsellors over the years and having been diagnosed with everything from clinical depression to schizoaffective disorder to Bipolar II and more (boo doctors). I’ve really just come to live with who I am without the labels, but with a healthy dose of medications that help tremendously.
In true Nadya V form, I give you not a long, dreary, ultra informative post on mental illness, but more of an experiential set of hours (and it is indeed hours often times) which cover a lot of what some of my days can look like. I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy per se – I’m just so keyed up after reading this blog post on OCD that I felt I had to weigh in.
So without further ado…
I feel awesome! For the last three days I’ve been waking up and looking in the mirror and liking what I’m seeing. I feel so positive; I bet I can conquer the world. Well not the whole world, but most of it? I wonder when I started feeling like this.
Was I like this the last few days?
My memory is a bit hazy but who cares, today is going to be amazing! I just wish I could get this refrain from an old Dentonic commercial out of my head - it’s been there since I woke up - how funny!
Three hours later
I had no idea I was this charismatic!
I feel almost giddy and flirtatious and so what if I just let slip a bunch of office secrets I swore I would never divulge – oh wait, should I be feeling bad about that? How can I when I feel so great!?
This must be why my friends say I am absolutely fickle and amoral, but I can’t concentrate on that; I just wish this funny tightness in my jaw would go away. The jaw issue is no big deal though, everybody loves me and they love my wide smile!
An hour later
I just went and bought the entire staff lunch, on the house, why not?
I’m rich, I think – my memory is not working too well, but I’m feeling so good I’m sure there are no money issues I should be worried about. Are there? I can’t concentrate on money AND lunch party – that’s too much information swirling around!
Woo, I feel good today! It’s almost, tiring.
Four hours later
Lunch party is over and everyone is busy, so I keep butting into what they’re doing just because…well, I’m not sure why actually but I’m having trouble keeping track, but it’s okay cause I’m feeling quite pepped up!
Although, my eyes are straining…and my neck is really tense and my hand is doing that quiver again. I hope no one has noticed I’ve been cracking my knuckles and doing weird stretches again and again – they just help me loosen up a bit!
I’m pressing my eyeballs with my finger and it feels so good I feel like pressing straight through to my brain, hahahahahaha, what an odd thought!
Thirty minutes later
Some amazing work has come my way. Well it used to be work but then I went on a tangent; a new product idea even though I don’t make products but I wish I did and I wish I had money to invest…wait maybe I do?
I can’t remember BUT I do remember the original work I was doing except now I’m really breathless and no matter how many glasses of water I drink the breathing problem won’t go away.
If I wasn’t feeling so happy I’d say I’m nearing a panic attack. In fact, maybe I am? I can’t tell my thoughts are moving too fast. I should stop work and just go home. Quick. Before something terrible happens.
An hour later
I’m at home. In bed and safe. Thank God.
I don’t think this is a good day anymore. In fact, it feels like I’ve had quite a bad day – I just wish I could piece it all together to form a coherent picture but my mind is so fragmented I can’t even remember what route I drove home.
I remember I was twitchy though, and I kept having to snap my neck sideways to relieve the tension – that and I almost ran over a @$%@#%[email protected]#$ING motorcyclist who came in my way… I’ll kill him next time. I’ll kill him. God his death is so vivid in my mind it's sending shivers through me, like I've done it already. But most of all, I feel weak because a bus horn caused me to nearly jump out of my seat. I think something is wrong…
Three hours later
I can’t go to sleep so I’m exercising. A lot. Its helping those tense muscles, at least I hope it is; I hope I don’t sprain anything because I’m pushing too hard too fast. I’m going fast and hard to keep up with my mind’s tempo and it’s REALLY soothing.
One-two-one-two-one-two-faster- faster- one –two, Oh yes! I feel fine. I feel super fine like I can smash through walls now.
Thirty minutes later
Stupid jaw won’t stop hurting and there’s only so much time I can devote to keeping an eye on it, preventing it from going rigid. I’m still not sleepy. I feel wide awake. I keep putting my hands out in front of me to gauge the amount they quiver, checking to see how well I can stop them.
Okay no issues, I just need to STOP PUTTING MY HANDS OUT again and again. I feel anxiety setting in but it’s offset by this fantastic series of creative surges going on in my brain. I’m almost afraid to sit and work on a project just because I know it will consume my life.
Ten minutes later
My mom came to ask me how I am and I yelled at her, reasons unknown.
Just irritated I guess, which is weird because I’m working out a ground breaking piece of art in my mind while also keeping a watch on my neck twitches. I think she saw that.
No, I’m being paranoid.
Who cares, she’s gone and I don’t think I remember the conversation anyway. It was something mundane which I turned into a sing song mocking tune to get rid of her. Sometimes I do that with words when I’m like this. I use them for things no one else does, but that’s because I am a genius tapping into unknown realms.
I know I am. I can feel it!
Thirty minutes later
I am so deep inside the art I am working on. I feel sick. I’m going to be sick when I come out. My hands are almost shivering uncontrollably as I work but I MUST finish this in fifteen minutes – I don’t know why, but I simply must. The tension is too great to let it sit longer.
The darker and uglier the painting gets, the more I am being triggered- driven by an unseen force inside of me that I never even knew existed. It scares me but fascinates me so I’ll continue.
Have to see this through at the speed my brain is firing.
One hour later
Did I eat dinner?
Is that what my mom asked? Did I drink water? Did I drink too much water?
I’ve been staring manically at the piece of art that I made. Oh no. I said manic. I wasn’t supposed to use the ‘m’ word.
If I don’t eat or do something to pull together my mind, I fear it will fragment into a million pieces and I will never be able to pick them up.
I’m being haunted by images and some of them feel like memories while some seem like movies-I imagine myself directing in the future. I will be a star. I will be a demi-god and more if only my jaw would loosen up and this odd sensation of terror goes away.
I’m SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYY… I can’t wait for tomorrow to do this all over again.
I love my life.
I will change the world and no one can stop me.
No I hate this. I want it to stop.
Don’t let the downward spiral begin so soon – it’s only been one day.
Wait. I’m loved. Everything is fine. Everything is lovely, just please don’t take me down so soon. I’m scared and… I’m lonely… and nothing makes sense anymore.
Read more by Nadya here.
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